all that's left is the color red

Psalm 91 The Secret Place

2011-10-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

This is the Psalm I meditated and prayed for over a year when I was sick. I prayed it also for my friend Connie who lived with the disease I was struggling with. I prayed for others whom my illness had all the sudden made me aware of. As I look at Psalm 91 today I see symmetry in its structure. There is a declaration of sorts that includes instructions, then a list of promises. I think it was the promises that attracted me to this Psalm when I was laid out on my bed and threatened with the implications of a serious auto immune disease. I wanted God to take me to a place when I could live, where the disease could not touch me. I felt worthless because a huge part of my identity was based on what I could do. I was an active mother of two very active boys. Whatever had overtaken me had devastated my world.

Then things changed. One day as I lay in bed I sensed Jesus sitting next to me on the side of my bed. He leaned over and oh so tenderly touched my forehead and told me I was of great worth to Him. He asked me to pray. I was to pray for other who struggled like I did. So I began to pray for those around me who I knew suffered from chronic debilitating diseases. I prayed for healing. Then I asked for prayer for myself and to be anointed with oil. When I was anointed I gave the disease to Jesus. The moment I did that I was filled with the Holy Spirit and knew God had heard and answered my prayer. My healing was something I would have to walk out. The Lord eventually told me when I finally accepted His healing in fullness that I would live as if I did not have the disease. I think the doctors call it remission. I have been in remission for over 10 years and healthier than I have been most of my life.

I think most believers are driven to the secret place when they are in distress. What I found when I was too weak to walk across the room was the shelter of the Most High God. Since then I know that the depth of my relationship with the Lord is directly proportional with the tests and trials in my life. We have traveled many places together. But I have recently been challenged to dwell in the secret place in a time of healing and restoration. I am in a good place and I want to make the secret place my home.

What do I need to do? Psalm 91 says:

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High (condition)
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. (promise)
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, (action)
my God, in whom I trust.” (declaration)

These first two verses are the solid foundation for the promises of God listed in the center verses of the Psalm. They are what the promises are built on. The idea is repeated in the center of the promises in the center of the Psalm in verse 9:

⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling…

Placing the promise in the middle of the Psalm gives the Psalm movement, an impetus to remind us and move us forward. It is like the writer is saying I want you to really see this. Put this in your spirit.

In the Psalm there are four different references to the name of God; Most High, Almighty, Lord and God.

I believe the Psalm is saying that we need to acknowledge God and the implications of His names.

In saying of Him that He is God Most High we acknowledge Him as Sovereign ruler over all the universe. He is the one who delivers us from the hands of our enemies, who rules over the affairs of man, whose dominion is everlasting. He is the ruler of our heart. He is Almighty God; El Shaddai, the most powerful and all sufficient God. He is the “pourer forth”, the God who pours Himself out for you. He is Lord; Jehovah, the self-existing one. He is life in its essence. He has always existed, the eternal God. He is God; ‘elohiym, the Creator. All things were created through Him and for Him. We are His creation, His workmanship.

He is the foundation of the promises He lays before us in His word. If we will acknowledge Him not just in our heart but in our declarations and our actions based on the knowledge of who He is, we will have what He promises. Psalm 91 should change our prayer life. It should change how we speak to others about Him. It should give us a place of security was we go out from our personal and corporate times of worship into the world with its many distractions.

The secret place although a place of refuge in times of distress has in its true purpose a place that elevates us so that we can go out into our daily life with His protection and provision. It is the idea of a dwelling place that shows us His shelter is not just for times of trouble. It is where we can live. If God is Lord, than He is life itself. What better place to dwell than at life’s source, in the presence of the all sufficient God. We were created to live in the secret place. It is where we find the source of life; our God in all His power and glory.

The Lord wants to give us what He promises, daily, in full measure; a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over… poured into our lap. (Luke 6:38) There are twelve promises in Psalm 91. Twelve is a number of completion and perfection. The promises of God to a people who will love Him, acknowledge His name and make His shelter, the secret place their dwelling are almost unbelievable in their breath and measure. God will save us from trouble and sickness. He gives us shelter from life’s storms. He commands His angels to watch over us. They will lift us up in their hands. He rescues us. He protects us. He answers our prayers. He shows up when we are in trouble. He delivers us. He honors us. He gives us a satisfying and long life. He shows us His salvation that leads to eternal life.

Why does He do this? What does it say about the Our God? Psalm 91 closes with His motive. When we fulfill our part; love Him and acknowledging His name He moves on our behalf. We were created to have a relationship with the God of the Universe. When we move towards Him, He moves on our behalf.

When God moves on our behalf things change. We will not live in fear but in faith of a God who fights our battles and protects us and our family. The Most High God will deal of our enemies. We only have to watch. He will help us defeat the great enemy of our soul.

New Wine in New Wine Skins

2011-09-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

Jesus answers the criticism of the Pharisees with an image. He speaks of new wine in new wine skins. Jesus in Luke 5:33-39 is defending his disciples by explaining the state of their spiritual development. The encounter Jesus has with the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law takes place at the beginning of his ministry, soon after he calls his disciples. These common men are new to the religious scene. They are new to the power of the Holy Spirit which they are being immersed in because of their close proximity to Jesus. They live with Jesus; walk with him daily and studying under him. Every day they receive powerful teaching and witness the miraculous. As a result their eyes are being opened to new spiritual realities including who Jesus really is. It is a powerful and exciting time for the disciples. In a very real sense they are new believers and are being used by God like never before. As they walk alongside Jesus they are also learning to walk in the power of God. The Pharisees and the Teacher’s of the Law do not comprehend the work that is being done within these simple men, so they criticize them saying, “Why don’t your disciples fast like we do or like the disciples of John the Baptist?”

Jesus uses two word pictures to answer them. He wants to emphasize the fact that his Heavenly Father wants to do something completely new. He explains that it isn’t appropriate to sew a new patch on an old garment, nor do you put new wine into old wine skins. The appropriate container for new wine is new wine skins. Jesus is stating the obvious and making the point that you don’t expect someone fresh in their walk with the Lord to have the outer discipline of the faith. Jesus is not condemning fasting and praying. He is just saying for the time and the season they are in it is in inappropriate. The time for fasting and prayer will come. Maturity will come and the product of maturity will be judged like aged wine, as being better; a wine with a smooth more satisfying taste.

The personal application for my life is clear; this is a new time and season in my life. It is a time of refreshment and an anointing of the Spirit like I have never experience before. My old life has fallen away. I need to let it go and embrace the new thing God is doing. I am unfamiliar with this walk. I am new to the working of the Spirit and the teachings in light of the work. I have a deep conviction that I am not to rely on what I know, but to learn anew. I am not supposed to try to fit this new life into my old life. My frame of reference based on past experience has to go. I can’t judge what he is doing now by the standard of the past. If I want to fully enter where the Spirit is leading me I must let go. With no expectations I wait so He can give me the best He has for me.

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

Graduation

2010-12-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

“I won’t know what to do with myself.”

My friend laughs. He knows me too well and smiles. This is an adventure already with lots of twists and turns. Next Saturday I walk the stage. Tonight I cross a threshold when I hand in my final exam and tell my professor this is my last class. She smiles and I cry as I walk in the cool dark air into the parking lot back to my car.

“I won’t know what to do with myself.”

I pray in the car on the way home and am grateful for the events that led me back to school, for the people who encouraged me and made a way. I am grateful I have persevered for 6 years and have finished with honors. I ask God what He wants to do with all this? What’s next?
For now, I just want to lean back, read a book of my choosing, finish some drawings, and learn to really use my camera, decorate the house for Christmas, and breathe deep. I know this is a gift from God, the whole thing. I have a better understanding how He has fashioned me during this time. I had someone whisper in my ear last weekend that my life is just beginning, get ready. I am ready to take off, to flourish and thrive. I am ready for what’s next. I am expectant.

Psalm 91

2010-05-10T22:54:00.001-07:00

I have been telling people for the last few days that God is faithful and that I will be returning to work soon. In faith a gave Bryant more money for his mission trip to India. I said it was a faith builder for him and for me. He didn't know I was not working, he might not have agreed to come and pick up the cash. Instead he prayed for me. I sent a check for Colin's trip to Mexico. We are planning a celebration for when Scott gets in from Austin.

Not to presume... but if I go back to work it will not have set me back at all. In fact I will be better off. You do the math... I can't explain it or why when I got out of my car today I notice a car with the licence plate 91 PSLM as I was going into the building for an interview. And I knew the Psalm because I memorized it when I was ill and it was God's promise for provision and protection. No harm has come to me, God has provided.

So I am telling you... no harm has come to me. God will provide because I trust in Him.

Tonight

2009-11-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

walking
makes me smile
even without the moon

coaxed
into singing
aloud in the dark

Assignment One: As Far Back as I Can Remember

2009-08-29T15:19:00.001-07:00

Ketchup

Mrs. Barry has long slender legs and jet black hair. She is married to Captain Jack Barry who is an Air Force pilot. Mrs. Barry brought her soft southern accent all the way from Tallahassee to Ohio where the Captain is stationed. Suzie her youngest daughter is my best friend. Suzie inherited a full head of jet black curls from her mother along with her confidence. By four years old it is plain that I am inconquerorably shy and awkward. Mrs. Barry, Jackie, to her peers always frightens me a little with her directness, saying exactly what is on her mind.

My mother leads my sisters and I down the front porch stairs. The four of us are wrapped in our matching bathrobes and slippers. The four of us shuffle across the asphalt drive way across the grass, on to the Barry’s driveway, up to the front porch. Mrs. Barry is on the porch holding the screen door open. It is June and the air smells like roses. I enter the door, slip my slippers off and walk across the cool wooden floor planting myself on the couch next to Suzie. She leans close to me. Suzie’s older sister Lynn soon joins us. She is my oldest sister’s best friends. We are families of girls and very close. I am used to both my mother and Mrs. Barry watching us as we play outside or as we go house to house looking for something new and interesting to do. Cartoons are on and I don’t hear what my mother and Mrs. Barry are discussing. Instead I am mesmerized by the black and white images on the screen whose familiarity help me settle into what we know so far of moving day.

My mother leaves as the moving van pulls up to the front of our simple cracker box house tucked away in a cul-de-sac near the runway of the airbase. We have all grown accustomed to the sound of the planes taking off. We are even familiar with the crack above us as aircraft break the sound barrier. The cul-de-sac is our little world and the huge truck is rattling it by the front curve. At Mrs. Barry’s instructions I get up and come over to the door and peer out at the behemoth of a truck. With a clear strictness Mrs. Barry instructs us. “Girls you are not to go outside. The moving van is here. You may watch it from the door or at the kitchen window.”

I do not have an ounce of desire to move out from behind the screen door to encounter this truck that I see is being opened and readied to carry off all my things and take them to the new house. We only visit our mysterious new house in the dark by the light of my father’s flashlight. Every so often as it is being built we bundle up and are taken by car to this new destination after my father gets off work at the men’s clothing store he manages. It is always late night and pitch black. Our street begins where the farm land ends where cows graze in the fields by the dairy farm. My father lifts me up to the side door because the side steps are not yet in place. The new world of this house smells like fresh cut board. We walk through the skeleton of a room, the sky still in view through the rafters as we try to imagine our new rooms.

Mrs. Barry has been at work in her kitchen for about a half an hour when she calls us for breakfast. As I enter the sunny kitchen decorated with strawberry trimmings I see Mrs. Barry sticking toast into the shiny silver toaster. “Do you want blackberry jam with your toast,” she asks us.

“Yes, mame.” Suzie says. I imitate her reply. I do not have such formality with my mother, whose sweet disposition contrasts with Mrs. Barry’s directness. My mother accepts, “yes.” But I am afraid of being rude in Mrs. Barry’s house. I never want to be rude. So I follow Suzie’s cues in how to navigate politeness.

Mrs. Barry sets a plate of scrambled eggs, toast and jam and hash browns down in front of me. She asks concerning orange juice and I manage a “yes mame,” as she places a small strawberry decorated glass in front of my plate. I look up at Mrs. Barry’s lovely southern face and ask. “May I have some ketchup for my potatoes, mame?”

Mrs. Barry’s face lights up and with more passion than I think she means and asks, “Why child would use ruin my beautiful hash browns with ketchup?” With those words hot tears stream down my face, I cannot hold them in.

Mrs. Barry places a bottle of ketchup on the table, lifts me in her arms and holds me close as she walks over to the kitchen window. “Look Ruthie, there’s your mother. She’s been there all morning instructing the men on what to do.” Then she leans her face into my hair and whispers as she kisses my head, “I’m sure going to miss all my little girls.”

Sunday

2009-08-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

I went to church today and was supposed to help in the kid's Sunday school. Scott came up to me and asked me if I was going to big church as we call it. I said no, I was helping in my class. He told me he was speaking. I thought in big church for a "few" minutes. I said I would try to pop in.
Ran into him again. Found out he was taking Steven's place preaching in the youth service.
We were well staffed so I played hookie from Sunday school and went to hear Scott teach.
It was really very good and OF COURSE I was very excited about it. He was passionate as he talked about being complacent.
Preach on!

perplexed

2009-07-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

I am tired, near exhaustion. It is physical, mental and emotional.

verb
1. to cause to be puzzled or bewildered over what is not understood or certain; confuse mentally
2. to make complicated or confused, as a matter or question.
3. to hamper with complications, confusion, or uncertainty.
Synonyms:
1. mystify, confound. 2. tangle, snarl. 3. vex, annoy, bother.

John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

Rest.

The wisdom of forgiveness

2009-07-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

You can’t really understand forgiveness and what it cost until you have been given a very good reason not to forgive. People can do things that really shouldn’t be forgiven. They can do it in a way that shows they don’t have a clue as to why they need forgiveness. Most of the time they go merrily on their way seemingly unaffected and you are left holding the emotional baggage. Thinking… “what the heck was that all about… why did this person feel the need to ------- fill in the blank.”
We are in need of extending forgiveness because we shouldn’t be left holding the bag. Let it go. Easier said than done, believe me I know, but oh so worth it.

Forgiveness costs us. It cost us our comfort zone. I am comfortable living in the past remembering the bad things people have done. Maybe it makes us feel superior to people. See how rotten they are. Maybe it makes us feel important. Maybe we just can’t ignore the hurt that is caused as we remember a hurt. I have a friend whose husband asked for a divorce on Christmas day. That is what he wanted for Christmas. She has never told me, but I can imagine there is never a Christmas where there is at least the potential for reliving the pain of that day. All you need for that trigger is Christmas day.

Forgiveness costs us facing the pain, but doing it in a new way. Seeing it for what it is and choosing to let it go. There is a need for the supernatural element of prayer here. I do not believe we forgive naturally. It is against our nature. We forgive supernaturally, trusting that God will continue to do the good work in us.

Forgiveness costs us our comfort zone because it demands that we look at ourselves and see our part in the situation. It may mean admitting we are wrong too and in need of forgiveness ourselves. It costs us the discomfort of seeking reconciliation where possible. Reconciliation isn’t always possible, but one should be willing to allow God to work. If we are willing God will work.

When I was younger I was in a recovery group and we were studying the steps on making amends, just being willing to do what is needed on our part to make things right. Someone told how they owed someone money and had never intended to pay the person back. In their step study they became willing to pay back the money. They had not seen the person in years and didn’t know where the person lived. That week they stopped at a rest stop on I-95 and ran into the other man. My friend told the man he was in recovery and needed to make amends. He gave the money to the man he owed and asked for forgiveness.

That is being willing to make things right and God working. We all need that.

What forgiveness gives in return is a closer relationship to God and perhaps the other person. We are free from the burden that was not ours to carry. It allows God, not us, to discipline the person if they continue to sin. If in being forgiven the person changes his ways than we have been a witness for the Lord or have turned another brother from his sin. All reasons to rejoice. Nothing good comes from us setting ourselves up as judge. We stop the work of God in our lives and do not allow the Holy Spirit to work in the situation. We give non-believers an inaccurate picture of God.

But if we forgive… we set in motivation the Spirit of God to work.

In that God will bless.

From My Sister's Kitchen Window You Can See the Foot Hills

2009-07-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

From my sister's kitchen window you can see the foothills of northern Alabama. When it rains the mist and clouds float over them in the most beautiful mysterious way. It is easy to imagine God is there breathing LIFE into life.

This Psalm became her Psalm when she was diagnoised with cancer. It will always be her Psalm in my mind. I have learned a lot about living with cancer from her.

I have learned a lot about living with cancer from my friend TJ who helps me understand my sister better. TJ wrote me last month to tell me he hasn't forgotten me. That is good to know.

Live life now the best you can. Breathe. Love. Learn.

forgiven...

Algebra Class Haiku

2009-07-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

pink petals
a top
the puddle

rap
drowning out
the rain

the growing distance
between us
is all I have left

When Sunflower Bloom

2009-07-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

that
yellow leaf
falls in my path

if I could
walk on
the golden water

fishing
up to
their knees

locust
shaken
in the tree line

I don't know if this is good haiku, maybe it resonates with you. It is the bike ride I took midsummer.

Out of Breath Under the Stars

2009-07-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

Out of breath under the Stars are many thoughts and those that rise to the top of this stream of consciousness get out and we walk around it, observing the nuances… the stars twinkle and I think I see a satellite move across the sky. I ask why. I ask but first I confess to just not wanting to. I hurt. And I don’t want to hurt. But I see in me something raw and misplaced and I know it won’t make things easier for anyone. You… me… So I say I am sorry for saying no I won’t, I can’t. That is when the softness of the night floods through to the back of my mind to the top of my head to my toes. We touch me and you. You speak. You guide. You say it is easy; speak kind words, do good. I forget I struggle with trust and am drawn in to this plan spoken softly beneath the stars to me. I feel loved. Not hard. But gentle. I want to be like him. More. I want to let him fill me up instead of my plans and hopes. Let go of the harsh night with the fear of more than I can handle or want. It scares me to want anything.

Psalm 71

2009-07-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

sleepless

2009-07-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

then shapes now and set in motion what is...

2009-07-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

twists and turns I've learned...

2009-07-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

The Cost

2009-07-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Jesus told a parable about building a tower and then continued his exposition with an example based on war.

The Cost of Being a Disciple
Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
Luke 14:31-33

Last weekend we celebrated the Fourth of July and in doing so honored the brave men who have fought and died to establish and preserve our freedom. Last week my father attended a gathering of ex POW’s from WWII and the meeting was covered by my friend from high school Mary McCarty. She is a columnist at the Dayton Daily News my hometown newspaper. Mary wrote briefly about my father’s war experience. I have heard his story before. I have read his memoirs where he told more than he ever said, but it was through Mary’s eyes I saw something I had never seen before. I saw a strong young man emaciated to the weight of an adolescence girl who I knew as one who witnessed the holocaust. Sunday morning as I read Mary’s piece I saw him as one who experienced the holocaust and survived. I never put flesh on the reality he escaped when the Allied troop came and liberated him from death.

The cost of war…

A friend of mine recently posted a video by David Wilkerson on the cost of revival; anguish. Both these stories have resonated through my heart and mind over the Fourth stirring my emotions. When we seek revival we surely opt for combat. We need to count the cost before we commit. Revival will cost us. The video talked about the anguish over the lost that motivates us to go, tell and make disciples. The anguish that I perceive is the cost that obedience demands. There is no revival without anguish over the lost or complete obedience to the king. We die to the personal preferences that keep us complacent and keep us from the commitment needed for revival.

My son recently returned from a trip to Asia. I found a card among his belongings, a thank you note from the church there. As I picked it up and read the names a current went through my body as I thought of them, then the persecuted church and then the millions and millions of those who have never heard and I wept.

Play!

2009-07-04T11:19:00.001-07:00

to work or play?

2009-07-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

Image in the Church

2009-07-03T17:45:00.001-07:00

I am writing this as a graphic designer who has worked in a church and who currently works for a private company with a communications person to help the marketing people brand the company. I am an artist and I have come to understand my role in society is to help people with the esthetic element of any given situation. The value an artist has is that he or she understands what beauty is; knows what good design is and what makes those things happen. We are valued for our ability to observe and then articulate our esthetic observations both visually and verbally. (from a talk Joan Davidow director of the Contemporary Museum in Dallas had with my Art Professor Greg Metz, UTD.) We are here to help.

Image both verbal and nonverbal is the message we “put out there” when we communicate within the walls of the church and to those outside our church and more important how we communicate to the un-churched, non-believing world. We need to communicate to membership to be effective. We need to communicate well to avoid confusion and if we do it well to promote unity. It is helpful if we are all on the same page. It helps if we have a clear concise front. If we look stylish, up to date and even slick, well… it doesn’t hurt our cause anymore than dressing up a bit for Sunday worship.

I am not advocating “airs” or a false or misleading image, but just the best image that we can muster. I think I am covered by the scripture reference “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” (Colossians 3:23) How much more should we do it with all our hearts when we do it for the Lord?

Nothing insults my esthetic sensibility more than when a church puts little effort into their communication pieces be it print or web if they have the means and the talent to “make much” of the Lord and His work in their local church. Why shouldn't we make Jesus look good, when we know how to make Him look good? Why should my church do something poorly when I have the talent and training to do it well? It should not be. If I am trained in marketing and understand how to target consumers why would I not help my church reach potential member and prospects? Why should the church ignore statistics that help them understand who their neighbor is and what they think?

The local church needs to communicate. We can do it poorly and without purpose or focus, or we can do it well and help reach people and help the people outside the body of Christ understand what one local body of Christ is about. To do it well we need to do it accurately and professionally. We need to be timely in our postings and mailings. We need to check and make sure our links aren’t broken, our information outdated so when people check us out we will look like we are home. We need to communicate like we know what we are talking about. We can sing the praise of the Lord with a well written blog entry, news article or event posting. Whatever we do even if we aren’t doing something, says something. We just need to be doing it well.

But a more important question is when we communicate is what they see what they get? Do we present Jesus correctly in our communications? When people do come to our worship, Bible studies or events, when they participate in community with us do they find Christ in us individually and corporately? Chances are we miss the mark more often then we want to admit. All the more reason why the message, the image we want to present to our membership and those outside the church needs to be communicated often, accurately, articulately and in a pleasing manner.
Keep on keeping on.

Transparency and Comfort

2009-06-30T10:55:00.001-07:00

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7

I recently meet a woman who shared a prayer request that so pricked my heart I know it bled. As I listened to her very transparent confession and request for a miracle in her marriage I was immediately bonded with her. I have been where she has been and I have walked in her shoes and I cannot get her out of my heart or my mind. And the one thing that I have grieved and have so often thought could never be redeemed is in the sovereignty of God being redeemed… or has the potential to be redeemed.

Whether God can use me in the situation depends on several things. The first already being satisfied and that is a hurting person sharing openly and honestly their burden. Next in the Spirit I received this confession and shared in her suffering. I couldn’t deny that her words left their mark on my soul.

I could amazingly enough, ignore this encounter and walk away not unmoved but unwilling to revisit my past for the sake of another. To tell truth it was incredibly painful for me to even think about where she is right now. The truth of the situation is, I am no longer there. I have walked with God in the midst of anguish and I have survived, I have begun to heal and God is restoring me beyond what I could have ever asked or hoped for.

Why wouldn’t I share the comfort I have received? The only reason I know is that it is costly. It will cost me. It will cost me the pain of remembering. I will have to make myself vulnerable. She may even reject my help, but even in that I know having been there it is because she is unable to receive it at the moment but still very much needs me, needs someone like me to reach out anyway.

We are to be the comfort that God has given us through the sufferings we have walked through with Him. I think it is the highest privilege we have as believers, this bond of suffering.
Will we allow ourselves to be broken again by the lives of people God puts in our paths and will we humbly say, “I have walked were you walked and I can say to you God is good, He never left me. He will never leave you. If you need someone to walk with you, I am here.”

For me this week as my heart bled I knew how far I have come with the Lord in this struggle and how much strength I have gained in relying on Him. Father use me to comfort others.

My Vision

Father's Day Weekend

2009-06-20T12:34:00.001-07:00

I need to study Algebra. That is why I am doing laundry and writing a blog. I am doing laundry before Scott gets back from Asia with a whole suitcase of dirty stuff. I missed him all week and thought about how soon he will be in Austin. So I must go to Austin this fall. But first I need to go to Ohio for my parents 60th Wedding Anniversary. Quite a feat, not really they are two of the sweetest people and love birds. My sister and husband have a “Bob and Freda scale of couple cuteness.”For real. Not that they haven’t had their challenges, me included. My dad had a lot to overcome which he did. In the power of Christ, he is one of the sweetest men I know. I have a weakness for sweet men now. They make me weak at the knees. I guess after the antitheists I am only interested in men who could compete in the “Bob and Freda scale of couple cuteness” and score well.

Which brings me to the email my dad sent this week…Wow! I guess I am just really blessed.

I have thoughts on my tired old mind. Some of which i will try to express to you in the evening hours of this good day. I suppose you all know I would not be a father if you my children did not make it into this good place. But you all made it. So here we are ---a family. I’m supposing that your earthly journey has been pleasant at least part of the Time. So here we are getting ready to celebrate the sixtieth year of the union which produced you all---my children I want to do something I have not done before. I want to thank you for the privilege I have had to be your father. The years have galloped by, and here we are at this point in time. This will be a time to be glad together, and reminisce together in love and understanding. I trust you are looking forward to our meeting with much anticipation. I am! but my thoughts are about you all tonight, and I just want to tell you all---you are loved---and thank you for allowing me to be your DAD. I’ll talk to you later.
Much love,
Your father

He sent this Monday. I guess he couldn’t wait until Sunday.

maybe a bit cryptic…

2009-06-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

I have been tired all day, most of it emotional. I ended up where I needed to be and heard some things I needed to hear, how’s that for anonymity?

I am grateful for my counselor and amazed at how awful I feel, but also know how far I have come and if I ever had any doubts about decisions I made I should just drop them.

Sometimes you do things and you are not sure if they are a good choice and you just take a leap. I am not sure it is a leap of faith, or just a leap but I am glad I tried to be honest about my feelings. It is a scary thing for me.

This may be a bit cryptic… but then there is the anonymity thing and there is all that has hit me. Like I have these struggles surface big time and I am reeling and I tell someone, so far so good. There are other steps, so to speak, like asking God to remove the struggles I have inside. It was big for me to be able to identify the struggle, separate it out and not let it color everything else, although I am exhausted from trying, I have been able to. I have been able to confess it to someone, able to get it out, able to not make decisions based on it. Whew!

I am looking forward to praying for God to help remove the things I struggle with, I am excited because I think He will. I am excited about what He is going to do inside me. I am thankful for those around me that love me in my struggle, because part of it is not believing I am loved and they love anyway even though I can only grasp it for short periods of time. And After the struggle resurfaced I am amazed I can feel love at all.

Something that goes along with this, because it is a trust thing, I have decided that I am in good enough a place to start allowing friendships at work and at church. I have decided although I have lots of disappointments in the area of friendship, I have granted forgiveness and feel I can embrace people again. At work I have an opportunity to do that, I work with a great group of people. Same is true of my church. And I am acting on it too. I have decided that I have been a good friend in the past and I can continue that despite the loss I have suffered. This is huge for me. I am not basing my future on what people decided. I was a good friend, I loved people and that is what I am determined to do again. I have spent enough time isolating myself. An old friend who has recently renewed a friendship with me told me today…

And like I tell my kids -- you can't control someone else’s reactions - you can only control your actions.

So even though I hurt, I am not making decisions based on that hurt, I am choosing to love. And it isn’t just talk, its tested.

Thoughts on Ezra

2009-05-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

I am reading the book of Ezra. Although I have read it before, I don’t remember every really looking closely at the book. While working my way through the first few chapters this week several things stood out to me.

God speaks to me, a piece here and a piece there. If I am faithful to spend time alone so I can reflect on what He is speaking to me through various mediums and people, through the circumstances of my life, there is a message or better yet a new chapter of my life to write. A narrative is created with theme, character, setting and all the things that make up good literature, all waiting for someone, me, to write them down.

On Monday I read that the people are given permission to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the Temple. They were in captivity in Babylon making the theme of Ezra the fulfillment of God’s promise for the restoration of Israel after 70 years. Chapter one begins with Cyrus the king of Persia having a change of heart as prophesied by Jeremiah. A decree is written and the people are given permission to return to rebuild the temple. Again God moves hearts, this time the hearts of the people to return to do the work. Then the hearts of their neighbors are moved to give to this endeavor with articles of gold, silver, goods and livestock, valuable gifts and freewill offerings. (Ezra 1:5-6)

My reaction to chapter one was WOW! That is so exciting. How easily I can relate to their joy. In the circumstances of my life I am in a period of restoration; a new job, with new friends and opportunities. I was recently honored when I won an art show. I have support of those around me. I am on the mend and my life has opened up in some exciting ways.

Where are you in your life; a time of exile or restoration? Can you remember a time like the Israelites experienced in Ezra?

In chapter two of Ezra on Tuesday I encountered a genealogy. In the early hours of the morning a genealogy can be mind numbing. I have learned to look for truth within them. What I found (with the help of a study Bible) was that 4,289 priest’s hearts were moved to return while only 74 Levites made that decision. The comment in the Ryrie Study Bible was that this was due to their inferior status because they were not ministering priests.

I pondered this. Do we do that? Say I am not a minister, on staff, part of a deacon body or head of a ministry, so I am not moved to go where the Spirit of God is leading? Maybe I am not upfront and center, acknowledge for what I do, so I decide to sit in the pew and sulk or worse, make a decision for comfort and a life of little risk. Do I stay at home in Babylon or return to Jerusalem where restoration and joy waits?

I pray my heart will be moved by God towards restoration.

Chapter three, day three was even more interesting. The Israelites settled in and began the work. First they rebuilt the foundation for the altar so that a sacrifice could be given. They celebrated the Feast of the Tabernacles then laid the foundation of the Lord’s temple. They did this with shouts of praise:

“He is good;
His love to Israel endures
Forever.” Ezra 2:11b

The day I received the offer for my new job I was able to go to a concert of prayer in an outdoor venue with thousands of people and shouts aloud to the Lord that He is good! This is the absolute best way to celebrate restoration. I am in awed of God’s timing of the events in my life.

In Ezra’s account, however, he noted:

But many of the older priests and Levites and family heads, who had seen the former temple, wept aloud when they saw the foundation of this temple being laid, while many others shouted for joy. No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away. (Ezra 3:12-13)

This was of interest to me because it so illustrated the emotions of my personal restoration which consist of both joy in the restoration and grief over the memories of the destruction of what is being restored. The sounds of my restoration are not subdued, the emotion is raw and loud and powerful. Seeing this passage helped me in that I know the grief of the older priests is over the fact that the new temple did not have the magnificence of the former grandeur of Solomon’s temple. This is a warning to me. Because I am sure that those who pleased God that day were those voices that lifted up shouts of joy. I am reminded of Isaiah 43:18-19:

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

My prayer is to rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.

The first chapters of Ezra invite us to consider our lives as we walk in God’s restoration. First will our hearts be moved? As leadership will our hearts be moved? As the people will we be ready to walk in restoration? As those around people in need of restoration are we moved to support them? Will the foundation of our restoration be worship? Will we sit in the pews or join the task at hand? Can we say God is good? How will we react; with grief over the former things or joy and certainty that God is doing a new thing?

Don't Forget to Take Time for Yourself

2009-05-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

That is what my art instructor told me when I ran into him outside his office picking up my notebook for gallery management class. It wasn't a call be to selfish, but a call to take time to be creative. It takes focus and commitment. Sometimes I see someone's work and it says the same thing to me, take time to be creative, develop your art, your writing, your creative voice. Dance with Life and sing, whatever it is you do, live it, celebrate it, just make sure you do it. I like when I hear a song, see a painting, a movie and it makes me long for more. I makes me want to pick up a pen and write. Makes me glad I am alive and connected.
Four of twelve, that I have not finished, but should. Prismacolor is divine and this were part of a dream. 6 x 4 inches

My stationery, but I can't use these they aren't my photos, but I am working on the source files, for the watercolors and pencil drawings. The dream is they are for missions and the message is be beautiful.

Unfinished

Capturing the Unseen

2009-05-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

There is a group of photographers I have collected as friends online from all over the world. We connect through our photos and some of us through our faith. I purposely seek out people of faith who use their talent to tell people about God.

There is someone who in particular always touches me with her work. She works with homeless teen who are runaways. Takes their portraits and loves them, tries to let them know there is Hope. Her motto is Capturing the Unseen. I wrote her tonight and she wrote back and asked for prayer. It was one of those God moments. I saw one of her pieces; it is called A message of love sealed with a single tear. It hit me deep inside so I wrote. It is so “weird” how God works. How I am connected to a young girl I have never met, may never meet until heaven and she loves photography, is drawn to the homeless like I am and loves God, walks with Him and struggles.

I planned to write about loving people and taking risks, because love is about taking risks. It feels like speaking in the dark, not knowing if you are heard, understood or loved back sometimes. We shouldn’t wait and expect another to make us feel loved if we aren’t willing to move in their direction. Moving towards another can even feel like being foolish. My Friend reminded me tonight to speak in the dark when prompted by love. She reminded me of the risks we take when we love and walk with someone who struggles, there is no guarantee they won’t disappoint us, but we risk and we walk.

I am so in awe of the God who connects us all.

Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:1b -2

The art of relationship

2009-05-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

I have been painting the last few days in oils. I have also begun the process of doing a series of watercolors. I have the beginnings of a mixed media piece on the way. I am up to my eye balls in art and I am loving it. But it is a love/hate relationship sometimes, well maybe not hate, but I do this highly dissatisfied thing. The artist is intense and she knows what she wants and she is dedicated to doing it. Some times at a great sacrifice of time and energy. But it is love and it is good and it is what she does. It is passion.

Let me back peddle. I am finishing up oils I started two years ago. I have six in the works and they are large. That means time, lots of paint time. The watercolors will go faster. Watercolor in my primary art language. I have been doing them since I was a little girl. I absolutely love to watercolor, not so much drama in them. We get along well. I have the reference photos printed out and the paper sized. The next step which I thought I would do tonight but ran out of time, is put down a simple outline. My outlines help me not get lost on the paper. They give me a feel for the space I am working in.

The mixed media piece is a concept piece and I am still working out the reference work and concept pieces are usually very emotional or trippy. I wanted to do this to enter a show, but I can tell there is going to be a good deal of work in this to do it right. So I will allow it to work itself out from a concept to art. (Like giving birth, real drama)

For the show I now want to submit the portrait of Me, Elysa and Judy; Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil. People who have seen it seem to like it. But I have some serious problems with it and lots of work. I need to submit a photo next Friday. If accepted I have six weeks to finish the piece, plenty of time. I am just going for it.

All this said to orient you to what I wanted to say. When I work on a piece I have lots of time to think. All kinds of things come up. It can be wild. Not that tonight was so wild. But I have been praying about something in particular that I have been having trouble feeling and accepting. And it is out there now. I don’t know how this works. I guess I just am in better tune with myself and my emotions and I have lots of time to listen to God.

I was thinking how relationships are like paintings. How as they are in progress they aren’t always much to look at. Sometimes I don’t even like to show the paintings because the colors aren’t right. There are usually three layers of paint to be put down, until I feel the piece is finished. I am referring to the oils. Each layer of color I get closer to the shade I really want. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes skill and I have an idea of where I am going and I have done this before so I have some confidence that it works. The finished product is beautiful. You can get close up and look and it is beautiful. But that isn’t true in the process.

It looks bad sometimes, the colors are off, the canvas shows through, the edges are rough, the constrast bad and I see after each session what needs to happen next. Sometimes there is too much to do and there is wet paint and unless you want a mess, you just have to stop for a few days. You have to step back and look at it. I go back and look several times a day. I get other people to look too and tell me what they see. I am a lot more patient with painting sometimes than relationships. But I got to think about it tonight and I am ok with this process in real life. I think it will be beautiful.

Integrity

2009-05-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. Acts 2:38 NIV

My Sunday school class of second, third and fourth graders was 100% sure it was stealing. The beauty of this age is how they see things in black and white. I think God lets us see the world more clearly through their eyes. What a mistake to assume you cannot learn from a child, after all the kingdom of God is entered like a child. I see why.

We were talking about how God wants us to confess our sins and when we don’t we are guilty and we feel guilty. We talked about how it was one thing to confess to God and another to confess to another person. We were emphasising the word repentance which mean agreeing with God and then doing the right thing. One of the discussion questions was, “what if you went to a store and bought some toys and when you got home and realized the cashier didn’t charge you enough for them, what should you do and why?” They were sure you should pay. You should go to the store and tell the cashier that you weren’t charged enough and you wanted to pay for the toy.

“What if they said, don’t bother?” No they insisted you still need to pay. If you don’t, the class all agreed it was just like stealing even if it wasn’t your mistake, even if it was inconvenient to return to the store and pay.

“What does it feel like when you do the right thing?”

“Great!”

This week I went to the store and bought picture frames for a fund raiser for a church mission trip. We are auctioning off photos the teens took during their last trip. When I got home after a long day at work, I discovered the cashier hadn’t charge me enough. “How inconvenient!” I thought. “What if I take the time to go back and they say, don’t worry about it?” Then I heard one of the little boys in my class say with certainty. “It’s stealing!”

“Yes, he is right, it is stealing.” I decided to go back the next day. If I am a God follower I need to have integrity and integrity starts with the little things. It is simple enough for a child to understand. Funny how with adults the lines sometimes gets blurred? Thank God for the little children. Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

I took my receipt in and told the cashier I was undercharged and I wanted to pay for another frame. I had a reply ready if she said, “don’t bother.” I planned to tell her my grade school kids that I help teach Sunday school are sure it is stealing and I need to have integrity if I want to faithfully teach them.

But she didn’t. She took my money and smiled and said, “thank you very much for doing this.”

How did it feel?

Great!

First Thing, Seek God with all Your Heart

2009-05-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

Often as a seeker after God scriptures verses intersect my life. It is at that point of intersection that I find myself pulled in for further meditation. Recently several verses intersected along with an email from a new friend.

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Hebrews 11:6

These two verse intersected with the word earnestly seek, which although is two words in English, in both Hebrew and Greek, one word. The Hebrew word implies not just earnest seeking as in effort, but first effort, to seek early. As always seeking after God implies prayer and quiet devotion alone with God and as most people who practice daily prayer insist to not let your feet hit the ground until your heart has been lifted in prayer. There is something about that priority that pleases God and will bring a harvest of rewards if diligently practiced.

To diligently seek God most certainly means daily in our life, but I want to expand that to include early in the events of our life. Early in our relationships we should seek God, early in our new businesses, job starts, early in our investments of time and certainly in a ministry start prayer should come first. As our new Children’s Director has come on board, even before her office hours have begun, she has initiated a time of prayer with her workers. Because we have one service when we serve we miss worship. We are able to listen to the sermon online during the week, but we still miss the praise time. So starting this week she is meeting with those who earnestly desire to meet with God in this effort to come and listen to the praise band practice and then go off for a time of corporate prayer for the church and the children’s ministry in particular. How excited I am to see her first steps in ministry to be so God honoring and to be invited to join her in this.

Lord, help us to see the value of our earnest prayer to you. We know like the heroes of the faith in Hebrews we may never see the outcome of our efforts in full on this earth, but let the knowledge that our earnest seeking pleases you is our reward.

True Devotion

2009-05-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

I decided to devote myself to writing devotionals this summer. After a discussion in my small group I decided my first devotional should be about what true devotion is. Since we are drawing our discussions from a book of devotionals centered on the spiritual disciplines, it is from that context that I write. Meanwhile as part of the Creative Arts Ministry at my church I receive emails from our worship leader. To encourage us to think deeper he sent us three quotes asking us to put them all together.

The first one is a quote by Oswald Chambers:

Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading.

The second quote is from Paul in a letter to the church at Corinth:

Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit,
who lives in you and was given to you by God?
You do not belong to yourself,
for God bought you with a high price.
So you must honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6.18-20

The third quote is from a sermon our worship leader heard somewhere, sometime ago:

We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience;
we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.
~ unknown

I thought that the quotes fit within the idea of true devotion. As I meditated over these and considered the small group discussion I formed a question that I wanted some direction on and that is if the desire of my heart is to be truly devoted to God, how do I do that?

First I needed to define true devotion. The dictionary defines devotion as “profound dedication; consecration, earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc” (Random House). The acts of devotion consist of the spiritual disciplines; praying, fasting, studying the scriptures, giving, giving of oneself. These spiritual disciplines are the how of devotion but also are the how to honor God with your body. Often when I think of 1 Corinthians 6.18-20, I think of the not what to do’s. Yes, we are to rid ourselves of the things that hold us back from devotion to God, but that alone is not enough, we need to do, to exercise our spiritual muscle in order to be established in the faith.

We can fall short of devotion in the practice of the spiritual disciplines if they are not practice with the disposition of love. We can seek to improve our disposition but if we do not have in mind the interests of others, we fall short. Spiritual discipline is not self improvement, it is devotion to God. I think Oswald Chambers describes in the quote that devotion to God is loving, listening and abiding or making our home with the One who leads us.

How can we say we have moved further in a life of devotion to God if we cannot tolerate the short falls of others, nor lend a hand to the suffering? Even beyond that if we do not make the things of God our focus striving to understand and live out God’s higher purpose in our lives, then we very well may be devoted, but to what, only our own concerns. I think this is where the third quote comes in. We desperately need to see things differently, really inversely from the world. I have to admit I never thought of my time here on the earth as a spiritual being having a physical experience, but it works. And I think it helps put self concern, worries about what we will eat or drink or what we will wear into perspective. All these things will fade away when we pass from this life and enter fully into a relationship with the Father.

How then do we start? How do we start to a life of devotion to God? Change your thinking, do something that builds spiritual muscle and do it all in love, so as to not do it in vain.

Chill

2009-05-16T23:21:00.001-07:00

I do push myself. And today well, I went over a line that I won’t do again ever. There were many contributions to this; finals, new job, allergies, Carolen put something in my hair that smelled (it smelled good but being allergic to most perfumes I suspect it was too much) I was fasting, maybe my contacts were in the wrong eye, but I got a headache which I IGNORED, until it got me. I tried to eat, took some Tylenol, couldn’t eat, laid down, thought of taking my life because I was is so much pain, I couldn’t believe, tired to cry, (bad idea) threw up, slept for 2 hours and was glad I didn’t have the flu. I am fine. Just feel worn out after cleaning my closet, color organizing the clothes.

I stayed up til three thirty last night watching the Kite Runner which left me disturbed and also asking, was this and that plausible? (creative writing class does that to you) I woke up and laid there thinking it was 9ish. Found out it was almost time to leave for my haircut. No quiet time. I never miss that and I hate it. I wanted to write all morning. I have a meeting tomorrow which is technically today, Sunday. Still hope to find time to write, but I am skeptical. I want to ride my bike and I am not supposed to push myself. So, there ya go, my always dilemma, there is more to do that I want or need to do than I have time or energy for.

I was writing about devotion, what true devotion means. And I am too tired to write now, but I will. When you wait four months, a semester, to do what you want or need, then it piles up and I can get overwhelmed, so today I picked a few things and because I pushed, I got sick and I didn’t get to write. I know, I know Jesus is telling me to chill and He is serious here.

Movement

2009-05-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

It has been interesting to watch the dynamics of my world change over the last few weeks, or maybe it is more like the last few months corresponding with the seasons changing. Seems slow, there is a sense of change that comes first followed by evidence of the reality of change, or God moving.

So I am moving on to a new chapter of my life. I hope to find some remnants of myself carried forward, like the strength and faith that moved me through the hard times. I hope to reclaim some, like a sense of ease that allows me to notice the way the sky changes or how someone tells a story, the newest flower that has bloomed in my yard.

The first thing I did after receiving and accepting the job offer was to drive to Frisco and sit with my church family and shout songs aloud like “How Great is Our God,” while the sun set through wisps of clouds defying the chance of rain and giving us the best conditions for an evening of prayer and praise.

The Tree and the Storm

2009-05-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

This is just a little whisper from God. On Sunday we had Communion. We all went up front and took the elements that were "packaged" for us. A very different experience in that. Unfamiliar with the feel and taste of the wafer and the logistics of opening the sealed cup as to not spill its contents, I stood and said a silent prayer, then relatively quickly moved back to my seat. I didn't think I had made much of communion in that I do like to make it memorable. We were asked to think about how communion celebrates community. Since the front of the church was crowded, it did do just that. I just wanted something more is all I can explain. I went to the front with a prayer to enter more fully into community to not hold back from it out of fear of rejection or any other reason.

When I got back to my seat and sat down, I started to think of my short story, or I suspect it was brought to mind, because I "saw" the tree that Rachel huddled under and clung to was in fact the cross and in my story she is being wooed not only by David, but Jesus. It is a pretty strong image in my life, that storm and that Tree and how we all need to go there and meet Him.

Someone recently asked me why creativity is messy. I found some amazing photos that almost explain why, though words nor even images will ever be able to tell this story. Now that's art.

It is about taking risks and not being afraid to shine.

The Storm

2009-05-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

From my prayer journal….
I need to write, help me make it great. Help me raise the question about change. Help me not pull back from feeling it as I write. This is power packed for me. I even thank you that they laughed in class, because it make me want to show them and helps me really go at it. Help me learn how to write, to learn all the technical stuff, to overcome my weaknesses, to overcome discouragement.

Then the answer to the prayer…
God must really have a sense of humor or He really likes to listen to my prayer and thrill me just for fun.

I have been rewriting my short story all morning. It includes a “tornado scene.” The idea for the scene germinated the night I slipped out of class and found myself in a torrential downpour only to later learn that the storm contained cloud rotations although a funnel cloud was never sighted.
I did some laundry and as I was hanging it out on the line, I notice some darkish clouds. Then I laid down for a nap. I was awakened by the sound of rain pounded on my roof. The bathroom in my bedroom has a skylight which magnifies the sound of the rain enough to wake me. I ran outside to get my laundry off the porch and was driven back by the wind and the rain and the lightening which lit up the darkened sky completely as I tried to step outside.

I ran and got my camera and tried again to go outside this time to capture the downpour. But the rain was coming down in sheets and coming in under my back porch. I did not want to get my new camera wet, so I went inside. Then I thought of Rachel in my short story and I decided to journal about the rain. I pulled a chair up got my notebook and started scribbling this mess of words while I sat in the half darkened room.

If Rachel was just under a tree she soon would be completely wet if not perhaps knocked off her feet. She needed to huddle under the tree. She would be completely wet and shaking from cold and fright. She couldn’t sit down on the ground because it would be a puddle of water. She would have to hunch over, head tucked, hands around her knees.

I notice the thunder come close and far away diminished in its effect at irregular intervals but almost continuously even after the rain subsided. The lightening came in flashes, it sliced across the sky lighting up the darkened sky that looked as dark as if the sun is about set. The thunder crashes and rolls and crashes. The rain picks up again as another band of storms moves in, lightening flickers across the sky, rain pounds, beats, pours sheets, whips, drips.

I realize I want vindication for this story I am writing. I realize David has made Rachel feel shabby. I want vindication for Rachel who didn’t do anything wrong, but feels betrayed. Rachel loves beauty and she doesn’t know why she was treated shabby. Like the art she loves she wants to rise above the situation. She wants to see it from a light that will bring restoration. She wants to understand. She is angry. It is her anger that motivates her to try and find answers. Anger doesn’t fit well into her world. She is uncomfortable in its skin. She is surprised by it and its power.

David was shabby, made shabby by his behavior, his treatment of women. He wants change; he is looking for a new life, building one by working on himself, looking outside himself to help others.

The storm is the agent of change thrusting Rachel into a situation she doesn’t understand, causing David to see himself still in need of change. Do they turn back or move ahead?

My Rant

2009-04-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

Every morning God gives us a blank sheet to create a story of ourself and the people and situations that come by. Be an author that writes with love and hope.

Stolen from a friend on Flickr, Only By Grace

Houses and Homes

2009-04-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

What I am doing... I have to read this "stuff" and review. What a challenge. I mostly want to scream and pull out my hair.

Houses and Homes

The story is about having closure in a series of unsatisfactory relationships and moving on. There is no real story in this in terms of action. The protagonist goes to work, says goodbye to friends and family and drives to New York. There is no crisis, no obstacles to him moving forward. He has some regret about Merrill, which he hopes to work out.

There needs to be more. It is interesting. I get the sense that the protagonist has changed. He wants to be serious about his work, in film. He also wants to avoid intimate relationships with too many women because most in the end bring him down. I think of the character in Chekov’s A Woman and a Dog. Merrill could be the woman who changes this philander’s mind. If you read the story there is more at stake. There is a great deal at stake in Chekov and in real life too as people live out the consequences of life choices.

In your story you have handled sex very causally, which perhaps fits the times. In doing so you have lost the real story, that sex is powerful and relationships are mysterious and unexplainable. The relationships the protagonist has with multiple women appear very shallow so you have lost the story. I suggest you go find it, the real story.

You also introduced the mother as the closest thing to an antagonist. You polished her off with a few well chosen words in an argument. He opposes her invitations to go to church. I think a more interesting story would have been for him to go to church. It would have at least created an inner conflict. He avoided this conflict by being cheeky with his mom and then self satisfied with putting her off. So again you have made shallow a relationship that could have depth and meaningful interaction. What if something his mom said did change his mind, he would have to integrate that into his life. It doesn’t seem that anyone affects him very deeply. How can one make serious film out of that? Give this artist some conflict and depth. Do not let him avoid relationship, but engage in it.

hmmmm need to sleep...

2009-04-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

last night I "fell" asleep at 3-ish, 2:30 -ish the night before. Not a good habit, no, no, no. So maybe along with the peanut butter crackers and cheese and crackers, and possible Tylenol I will just pass out and wake up not screaming, "I don't WANT to get up!"

I have a feeling this blog may cross over into the art blog. Just the way things are lately. Then maybe a poem. Or why don't a pull out CD and pick a pick. That is always fun. A guy in my class lost his hard drive last night, the new "my dog ate it!" But it was for real so I think I am burning the DVD's this weekend.

I am supposed to get a Nikon D60 soon. Am I excited, no just tired, see the above note. 3 a.m. I will have to figure out how to use the camera and I can take classes. Cool. Except I have no time. I am one of those people who have crossed this line, with the need to takes pictures, I need to and I guess that is OK. I am like that with the Internet. I need to be on-line. Better yet, I am on-line uploading photos. Gee. Is that normal?

I twittered before, this sounds confessional. I put so much stuff on-line, I update in Facebook, twitter is across my line. It would be stuff like

"Independence and Parker."

"feeling like I want to eat again!"

"Scott left a towel in in the livingroom again along with a sock."

Like who cares. See you are spared all this because I don't twitter. I had an account, it was a bad idea.

I don't have a phone I could do that with, but I do, every once in awhile I hit a button and it says web. I immediately turn it off. Because I would have to fugure it out. And frankly finding the font and can a paragraph actually be centered in Publisher without causing someone to lose their religion is enough figuring out for me in a day. How about why can't you do two colors in Publisher. Because you can't. Let's try. NO. We can't.

That is enough trouble shooting for me. The last time I used help was last week to re remember how to convert excel into Word to do a mail merge. Why would I then want to go home and read about my phone. No I want to upload photos. So here ya go.

Oh, I feel better and more colorful too. (summer 2005)

Worship Art

2009-04-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

Face to the floor, arms stretched out as the worship team starts the third stanza.

See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.

My left foot begins to shake, so I move it slightly to relieve the gitters so when I stand my knee won’t buckle because my leg is asleep.

Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.

I rise up and stand before the cross, remove a black draped cloth and ceremonily replace it with a white cloth symbolic of the resurrection. I take a few steps backwards and kneel hands raised facing the cross as the last chorus is sung.

love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.

Again I rise up, turn and walk off the stage.

My prayer that morning in preparation of worhip was heard.

My flesh is rebelling and wants to sit in the pew unmoved. I confess that. This is dying to self in that I worry about what I look like, I want to confess that too. I want the worship to be very beautiful. I ask that you do that and that you help me be graceful because I am very capable of being awkward. I pray people will be moved to a greater sense of submission to your will. For me Lord it is an acceptance of your will for my life.

During the second service after the pastor’s wife had told me the worship time was beautiful, she was very moved by my gesture of worship, as I laid there stretched out before the cross, the Spirit reminded me of my call, to be beautiful. It wasn’t lost on me the meaning of those words.

My preparation for the Easter service began Saturday morning with the scriptures surround the Easter story and after a conversation with Scott. I told him that I was comparing the worship to performance art even though performance art has negative connotations. It isn’t drama and it isn’t dance. So I decided to call it worship art. I reminded him of the night of Thanks where the CR team walked across the stage and held up signs naming their issue. That was very powerful, but it wasn’t drama. A performance artist always has a message they want to get across, usually to shock. I didn’t want to shock, but I thought a woman going forward and prostrating herself before the cross and lingering there might be on the border of uncomfortable for people, I hoped, because I would like the question to arise, could I do that? do I do that? Still that isn’t the point, but I thought that element might be there.

I told Scott that there were three gestures that represented ideas or truths that I wanted to get across. There is the prostrated figure along with the lyrics and the black cloth. The part of the resurrection story I have been reading that God had shown His spot light on is that of Mary Magdalene. She witnessed the crucifixion.

… See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.

Then there is the undraping and draping of the cross. Mary went to prepare the body.
The next gesture is the praise posture with the white cloth and the lyrics. It is not a stretch that Mary knelt after realizing it was Jesus to whom she was speaking.

…Were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were an offering far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.

The meditation for me had deeply personal applications for my life. I cannot even begin to express how much this meant to me to enact this scene of worship during the service knowing that the purpose of being asked in part was healing, at least that is what I thought while I was in the midst of it and the Spirit reminded me of my call.

Remembering My Aunt

2009-04-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

I need to preface this blog with… the allergy thing I have going on. I have felt weird all week and it is just now evident that it is allergies, yuck. My mind is numb.

I took a nap when I got home from work… it has been a long week and when I am dragging like I am, longer. My mom woke me up. (flash back to childhood) She told me my Aunt Margaret passed away this afternoon about 1 p.m. ET. My aunt was the youngest of my father’s siblings and one of my favorite aunts because she was a fun person. A quality I love in people, maybe because of people in my family like my aunt. She lived into her 80’s. She had a long and fairly healthy life. The last few years she developed Alzheimer disease. This only became apparent to the family about a year ago. She has been in a nursing home and for the last 48 hours under hospice care. Not bad, I think. She lived on her own for years, I could call her independent. She laughed a lot, had a player piano and collected rug beaters. She was married 3 times; divorced once and widowed twice. She always had a least 3 poodles which were her babies. She lived in East Dayton and no one could get her to leave her house, even though the neighborhood became a less than desirable place to live. We worried about her a lot.

Things I loved about her. She was one of the people responsible for me being an artist. When I was in 4th grade I did a watercolor and I showed it to her. She made over it and told the family I was an artist. I mean the all my aunts and uncles. She never had children of her own so she often brought my grandmother over to our house. All four of us West girls would go with my aunt and grandma to Big Boy and eat and, you know, misbehave. My Aunt taught me to shoot my straw. We would laugh the whole time we were there. We had a three slurp rule. We were only allowed to slurp our drinks three times. Do the math, multiply that by 6 and you see why we giggled our way through lunch. Then there was playing spoons and the Elephant Club, whose secret I am sworn by fear of death to not reveal. But if you want to join the Elephant Club in honor my Aunt Margaret I just must let you in, special.

We used to have lots of family picnics where we spit watermelon seeds (contest) and made homemade ice cream.

When I was in Ohio my dad took us to the gravesite to show me where my grandmother is buried and my Uncle Gene. There will be a graveside service on Saturday, so I have it in my mind where the family will be gathered.

haiku

2009-04-15T10:03:00.001-07:00

pressed
against
the window pane

she says shine
breathe remains
morning moon

jet trails
scratch
the cool azure

Self Portraits and Healing

2009-04-08T22:43:00.001-07:00

I am looking at old photos trying to find the first self portraits I did. I was going to write about art class until I ran across another woman on Flickr who is doing self portraits as a way of healing. There is a group of them I really want to find. I found one called “A Matter of Time” Interesting to me this week because this week marks several events in my life.

The other was a series from the Hebrews mixed media portrait. They were more deliberate self portraits. I remember being very awkward as I did them.

This one was one of the first. I was trying to catch the pain in my face. There was some release in the taking of the pictures. It was the beginning of trying to deal with what was going on in my life at the time. There wasn’t a lot of self honesty. This was an attempt to see behind the appearance I kept up.

Then I am leaving this little exercise from this weekend. It captures feeling loved.

Tuesday is Creative Writing Class

2009-04-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

There is something about literature/compostion/creative writing type classes that the Lord seems to love to use to speak to me. I guess when he walked the earth he used parables, so a short story isn’t a stretch.

So tonight it wasn’t so much the stories we discussed as the discussion and just my general state of mind for the last few months which is close to confusion, an increasing sense of peace and both a giving up and a renewed effort. Confusion is maybe a poor word, because in the Christian culture I live in it is associated with evil thus, God is not a God of confusion. I beg to differ only because I totally KNOW he doesn’t explain Himself, at least not to me. Half the time I just don’t get Him. I am slow to process. I think faith walk is a walk in the dark. Sometimes without bearings maybe just the still small voice that say… be open to this… And I am off in a direction I never imagined or I have fought, just because I didn’t believe it was the direction God was leading me in… just a distraction.

Tonight he said rest… awhile. Maybe I will catch up on all the stuff in my head that I am trying to figure out… or maybe I will rest from figuring it out… because I can’t.

I won’t go into the story that one of my classmates wrote, but I will share part of my review of it. I was about the death of a child from a fatal inherited disease.

The care the father gave was imperfect and inadequate, because there was nothing he could do and he was such a wounded character that really when he turned to God there was a beautiful plea to God for life. There was nothing for the father to do, but he did something. His prayer was not answered. Then there was the burial which again was imperfect. It seemed to add to the father’s despair. The author left us with the father’s only solution, to drink, again an imperfect solution. The story is an expression of the knowledge that life is lived in a fallen broken world sometimes without answered prayers or answers to our whys.

Add to this how angry I was about another story I had to read which was so full of obscenities, spiritism, drug, and homosexuality. When I found out the story wasn’t finished I hit the ceiling and refused to read it again in order to review it. I did a harsh review of it.

When I got to class I realized who had written it. I had written a bad review of his last story for the same reason. There is something about this kid when you see him in person that tells me he has been dealt some very severe blows in life. I know from his countenance and stature that he is beat down and broken. I didn’t give him my review I handed his story back uncommented on. I hate what he wrote, but the Lord broke my heart for this kid. He has softened my heart towards some others too. But even more than that he showed me how guarded my heart is and how un connected I am to people. I am there, but not really connected, not like I used to. I used to invest emotionally in people. I haven’t done that. I have a few friends that I feel safe with, but everyone else I keep at a distance. I have been too wounded and sad to invest. Or maybe I had nothing to give having been devastated by the events of the last few years. As I have worked so hard to forgive and have had some measure of success by feeling the pain, I am also feeling other emotions. I am very emotional lately and trying to deal with it all, thus some of the confusion that I don’t want to call confusion… maybe just restoration.

How God brought all that out in class I don’t know, but it all fell into place as I walked through the place that God speaks and out to my car in the parking lot.

I need to let some people in my life. I have really been in isolation.

Tying up my day with some writing…

2009-04-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am in a Sunday school class now and we are studying Hebrews. This is one on the first mixed media pieces I did in what is now called my Faith Series. It is entitled “Once and For All.” It represents a struggle I had in accepting not that I was saved, but that I can be forgiven. The truth is Christ died once for all and He died for me. And the blood of Jesus is applied to me.

A Direct Quote

2009-04-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

A woman I write devotionals for, an adjunct professor at a women’s college in North Carolina and a pastor’s wife, gave me a book to read a long while back. I have very, very strange reading habits that have been made stranger by the fact I am in school and have very little extra time to read what I want.

I have been reading the book she gave me for more than a year and finally came across why she gave me the book. She has been a dear and published some very heart wrenching devotionals and tucked most of them under the category of healing. She believes in it. In the meantime I want to write devotionals on victory, contentment, progress… anything but woundedness. But because I am obnoxiously straight forward, I haven’t written much like that.

I am dealing with what I am dealing with and it involves forgiveness as I encounter “triggers” that bring up memories that wound. I am not in control of this. I am doing the best I can. Recently the nature of the triggers has changed, also the responses. I have these very strong emotional currents that surface with these triggers. A kind word, something beautiful… really good things make me weep. There is something going on that I don’t understand, but it is powerful and healing. I feel a little wacked. But I think because I am aware of the phenomenon and I almost observe it and allow it, it doesn’t control me or even lead me to conclusions, it just is.

The passage… but I can’t explain how it relates to what I just wrote or the painting and the response to the painting I had on Saturday. I think if I tried to label this it wouldn’t do it justice and I would say, wacked.

From When Heaven Invades Earth, Bill Johnson, page 114.
About a spiritual experience he was having…

I didn’t know of anyone who would believe this was from God. I recalled Jacob and his encounter with the angel of the Lord. He limped for the rest of his life. And then there was Mary, the mother of Jesus. She had an experience with God not even her fiancee believed, although a visit from an angel helped to change his mind. As a result she bore the Christ child… and then bore a stigma for the remainder of her days as the mother of an illegitimate child. It was beginning to become clear; the favor of God sometimes looks different from the perspective of earth than from heaven. My request for more of God carried a price.

Tears began to soak my pillowcase as I remembered the prayers of the previous months and contrasted them with the scenes that just passed through my mind. At the forefront was the realization that God wanted to make an exchange – his increased presence for my dignity. It’s difficult to explain how you know the purpose of such an encounter. All I can say is you just know. You know His purpose so clearly that every other reality fades into the shadows as God puts His finger in the one thing that matters to Him.

That would be me.

2009-03-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Getting ready to watch a film, the Girl with a Pearl Earring. I came home from work and after I helped Scott get ready for Dnow in Oklahoma and SNOW, I took a nap. I woke up at 9:30 and thought it was morning. I hate that feeling like who am I and what am I doing here?

Just a fun story tonight. We have so many elderly people come in because it is Richardson and the neighborhoods haven’t turn over quite yet. There is a lady I love who sells Avon. She is a pastor’s wife who is about 75. Every other week she comes into the shop to fax her order in. This week she tells me that since I have seen her last she has fallen into the Rio Grande.

See I like that, a woman after my own heart I tell her. She went rafting with the Senior Center on a trip to Big Bend. The raft hit a rock and she bounced out of the raft into the river. She told me after her rescue her guide said, “I want you to know you went over with a smile!”

That would be me.

Then another lady came in who is more my age. We were talking and I found out her daughter was in the TVAA High School art show at UTD and won an award. That is just exciting to hear a parent talk about the effect the show had on her daughter. She home schools the daughter, but has private art lessons for her because art recently became an emerging interest. The show helped solidify her decision to attend Austin College in art. I told the mom to have her daughter attend the opening next week of Art of the Everyday because one of the artists in the show is a professor there.

I love all these connections.

Art of the Everyday Art Exhibition Opening Reception
Apr 3(6:30 - 9 p.m.)
Location: Visual Arts Gallery

Part II: March 27 - May 2, 2009The University of Texas at Dallasartist reception: April 3, Friday, 6:30 - 9:00 pm

How very weird... that film is my story.

haiku

2009-03-26T09:42:00.001-07:00

fatigue
at the edge
fog makes the city strange

eyes closed
piecing together
what was said

jeweled leaves
beaded
with rain

a note
in his hand
tattered at the edges

Art

2009-03-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

If I were going to post today, it would look like a grocery list because I am so tired. But I actually have a lot of interesting thoughts in my head that might actually connect if I could get 7 hours of sleep.

We learned about installation tonight in class. It is very much like graphic design.

Also just for fun when the man from the big press came to pick up the brochure files my boss and I decided to tell him we wanted the printing done Thurday and be just like our customers. It felt so good to be that obnoxious.

We are totally over worked this week, but it is good. We had six pretty bad months, but things are better, as far as work flow. I am getting to do some neat stuff. This week I got some print pieces for my portfolio.

I didn't remember to buy a new umbrella. So I use my broken one tonight. LOL.

I feel like I need to place a photo here. I will do this random things, let's see what I can find.

This is a paper folding I made with Shannon in mind. "beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness." She used to pray this scripture for me.

Isaiah 61:3

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

haiku for a rainy day

2009-03-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

wisteria over
the top of the wall
fragrant

sparrows
pattern the sky
with flight

storm clouds
tip
the lone oak

wind
with
my coffee

Faith, Prayer and Cancer

2009-03-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

I work in a small family owned print shop that has been in business for over 30 years in Richardson. We have people come in who have been doing so for many years. We tend to attract people of faith and many of the businesses that use us are faith based, so the incident that happened Thursday isn’t unusual, just really so full of God that I was so jazzed after it happened I knew I needed to write.

I want to set up the situation. I worked all day on a design and was ready to get away from my computer when one of our customers came in. She has taken over my computer before and sure enough she has some last minute changes and asked to use my computer. I was more than happy to get up and go out front and wait on customers. An older gentleman came in and asked me to copy an assortment of medical related papers. We have self service machines, but some people especially older ones don’t want to hassle with the machines, so they have us do the copying.

When I finished up and started to ring him up the man began a conversation with me. “Since I was in here last I have kept myself very busy.”

I said “yes.” I have no idea what he is talking about.

“I get calls from all over to go visit people in the hospital. I get calls to go cheer people up.” He continues.

My father for years until recently had a very active hospital visitation ministry. He is in his mid eighties and not quite as active now. It was just always something as he felt lead to do, sometimes as an elder in his church sometimes not. He just went. Mom often went along. I told the man this and smiled approvingly. I love to hear about people reaching out to others. It makes me feel like there are good people, we just don’t hear about them enough. The man has now piqued my curiosity.

I told him that I write devotionals I wanted to write about him. I am thinking a don’t grow weary of doing good, anyone can do ministry if they want, keep your eyes open sort of thing.
He said “OK, let me tell you my story. I got cancer. I was diagnosed at stage four and because of my age I was told they would treat me for 90 days that was it. So I was lead to believe I had several months to live.”

His eyes are starting to tear up. I know this is very emotional for him. “My two grandson 8 and 10 years old call me and tell me they want to go shopping with me, but that is just an excuse. They justed wanted to get me alone so they could tell me what they have done.”
I am listening intently.

“They called all their friends, all their friends on their sports team and asked them to pray for me. These little boys who they told, told their parents to pray. The parents called their churches and put me on their prayer list. The next thing I know there are church in Dallas, Richardson, Plano, Allen, Frisco all around praying for me.”
We both have tears in our eyes. “I have never heard of such an out pouring of pray for anyone in my life.” His voice cracks.

“When I go to the doctors the nurse chews me out. She tells me this is serious, I should be more worried, but I can’t I just can’t, I am at peace,” he explains to me.

“What kind of cancer did you have?” I asked. He told me Lymphoma. I tell him about my sister. He says he is in remission and the doctor’s are mystified. He said because of his case at Southwestern they have made a new policy on older patients that have been given a poor prognosis. They have decided to not write them off. He said one of the doctors there was studying the relationship between cancer, treatment and the role faith plays in it. He interviewed my new friend for the study.

“But let me tell you the neatest thing that came out of all this difficulty I have suffered. I get a call awhile back from a man who asked me to share his last sunset. What a privileged that was. I drove to Southwestern. We opened the blind so we can see the sun going down and I sat in a chair next to him and we watched the sun go down. Sure enough that was his last one. It was the most amazing thing I have ever done to share that time with another human being.”
I have tears down my checks now.

People call me from all over because they need cheering up. People call me for their family members who have been diagnosed and are so depressed they won’t talk to anyone, but they will talk to me because I have been where they are now. So I go.

I am thinking about all my yuck and the message I got from my friend and prayer partner. She told me “God can use me better this way.” That is what God told her when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. And he has used her, just like this man.

Before he left, he laughed and said I bet the doctors fight over who is going to get the credit for getting me into remission, but we know why I am still here don’t we. Prayer really works and God does heal even today.

I realize I am looking at a miracle of Biblical proportion. He just left the shop… because of the faith of two little boys who loved their grandpa.

Dedicated to: My dad, my sister Mary, Suzy, T.J. and Janet, and Jenia and her mother in law.

Until

2009-03-14T09:19:00.001-07:00

Until
things change
and life rearranges
itself I wait.
The drag of the day becomes lighter,
swifter to find what was gone from me,
swifter to draw close to eternity
and the one thing he asks of me,
until things change.
They change now.
The vines that entangle the wooden fence
bare begin to bloom.
The violets creep between the steps
of the garden sweet.
My heart is stolen from you
by the song of a bird that
flew close enough
for me to know
the change.

******

its raining
pear
blossoms

that one sparrow
on the stoplight
rain

At Work

2009-03-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

At work I am designing a memorial card. The story behind it is one of the sadest stories I have ever heard. I cannot share it for privacy reasons. Needless to say I had a geat cry at work as I worked on it. This is the poem the mother brought in to use on her daughter, a young bride's memorial card...

When I Die, I Want Your Hands on My Eyes

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes one more time:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears to go on hearing the wind, I want you
to smell the sea that we loved together,
and for you to go on walking on the sand where we walked.

I want what I love to go on living,
and you who I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow passes through your hair,
so they know by this the reason for my song.

Pablo Neruda

Two Things

2009-03-07T23:30:00.000-08:00

When I pray, especially when I am fasting I pay particularly close attention to what happens next concerning my prayers.

Today two events were significant. The first was an email from my counselor which included a reading assignment. When I receive these, I usually write about them too. Before I delve into that I want to write about the other significant event.

Art With Brenda

"As for me, I will walk in my integrity,
Redeem me, be merciful with me.
My foot is on a level place.
In the congregation, I will bless Your name."
Psalm 26:11-12

I went gallery hopping with my friend Brenda this afternoon. This was the verse she recently decided to memorize. She spoke this truth to me as we sat at Star Buck talking about Art Ministry. We are beginning to work out the plans to start a Christian visual arts group. Both of us have discussed this with our respective pastors over the last month. We each were unaware of the other ones activity. We decided this was something we need to do together. We think the draw to the group should be city wide. We have the tentative support of our churches.

We are officially in the discovery stage. Brenda is going to investigate the possibility of us starting a chapter of CVAA, the Christian Visual Artist Association in Plano or creating a new group. We want to see what is already happening. My job is to find out what other churches are doing.

Doing the Work with Kathy

“The path I travel in life has everything to do with the people to whom I listen and with whom I seek companionship. Some people walk with me and direct me down a wise path. Other people walk with me and direct me towards a path of destruction. Relationships are important because they have everything to with where I wind up in life.” Winston Smith

I wrote my counselor Friday night with an update of my life. She sent me back affirmation and encouragement and a reading assignment; Wisdom in Relationships.

The short of it was based on Proverbs, how to be wise in your relationships using Proverbs as a guide. That is how the book was written as a book of instruction on dealing with people, how to identify the types of people that will lead you a closer walk with God or those who will take you away from him.

The author first points out that if we tend to look at relationships from the world’s point of view we will become disillusioned. If relationships are only about what we desire or need, we will become disillusioned. For believer there needs to be a greater purpose in our relationships. We need to ask ourselves where we want to go in life. Do we seek God’s greater purpose for our lives or our own selfish desires? We need to ask who we need to be walking with. Every day we live at a crossroads. What will we chose? Will we chose wisely?

To Live is Christ to Die is Gain

2009-03-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Paul writes to live is Christ to dies is gain. He was expressing the fact that he knows when he dies he will be with Christ. What gain is there when we come into your presence? This life will fade away and all will be blessing. Paul’s statement in this; I am ready to go home, but I know you have a task(s) yet for me to do. What you have asked of me in this life is not complete. For me this statement is a question. I don’t think you are ready to bring me into your presence. If you have left me here then there must be something you want me to do. As I fast this weekend that is my prayer. Lord what is it you want me to do? I am leaving this very open ended.

Philippians 1: 18 - 26

“ Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.”

As I reread this is what stands out to me this time is the phrase “convinced of this.” That is my prayer that the Lord will help me in all my doubt to be convinced of this one thing He is asking me to do now. For Paul it was to continue with all of you (his sphere of influence) for their progress and joy in the faith. I think that is a cause worthy of a calling.

I have to ask myself what is my sphere of influence. This brings to my mind something my pastor said to our small group. The way to being a servant leader is through influence. We gain influence by loving and serving people. (my paraphrase). Which goes with my prayer this morning and many mornings… Lord, help me love, help me show people the love you have given to me.

My third reading I see… Rejoice. Paul’s prayer that “through my being with you your joy in Christ will overflow on account of me.”

****

Lecto Divina

Lectio Divina is an ancient Latin term literally translated, "Diving Reading," or "Sacred Reading," that centuries ago was developed into a systemic method of prayer, that is, reading as a basis for prayer.

The Bible Permits Divorce for Nonphysical Domestic Abuse

2009-03-04T08:47:00.000-08:00

IOWA CITY, Iowa, Mar. 4 /Christian Newswire/ -- At a time when many Evangelicals insist the Bible prohibits divorce for physical abuse, Waneta Dawn, author of "Behind the Hedge," a novel that portrays abuse in a Christian family, says nonphysical domestic abuse desecrates and breaks the marriage covenant, and is biblical cause for divorce.

A survivor of abuse, and former men's group facilitator for a Department of Corrections batterers intervention program, Waneta Dawn understands the dynamics of abuse from personal and professional experience. She has crafted a powerful story that illustrates how an abuser's sinful pattern of power, control and entitlement permeates every aspect of his family's life, and fractures the mental, social, and spiritual health of each family member, including the abuser's.

Says Dawn, "Over time, controlling behaviors tend to escalate--too often to fatal physical violence. Abuse hinders God's intention for marriage, which is to develop Christ-like character in both spouses, to build a mutually cherishing relationship where spouses consult with and yield to one another, and to provide a safe and loving environment for nurturing children."

"Behind the Hedge" shatters the myth that one incident of physical domestic violence is an isolated knee-jerk response sparked by a fault or act of the victim. Physical violence is a sledgehammer the abuser selects from his tool-belt of devices to dominate his wife and children.

Compounding the devastation, pastors, judges, and child-protection services often toss wife and children into the lap of their tormenter, instead of prosecuting him. Children who live with abusers, tend to resign themselves to the awfulness, or copy the abuser and transmit the destruction to the next generation.

"Behind the Hedge" follows Yvette, a hardworking farmwife, as she grapples with biblical submission, and protects their daughter, Tanya. While Yvette craves warmth and love, her husband, Luke, twists scripture to force compliance from her. After discovering Luke's theology is non-biblical, Yvette applies scriptural truth that sets her free, endeavors to correct the beliefs of their teenaged sons, Greg and Kyle, and offers Luke an opportunity for redemption.

Published by Xulon Press, "Behind the Hedge, A novel," winner of the 2008 Christian Choice Books Awards, is an excellent resource for learning biblical and compassionate responses to the controversial, but urgent, issue of domestic abuse among Christians. Waneta Dawn is available for comment at 1(319) 471- 5276 or email at wanetadawn@yahoo.com www.wanetadawn.com
Christian Newswire

Rage

2009-03-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

This is an assignment for class. We had to write about a deadly sin. One of the seven. I chose rage.

Rage

For Melanie’s birthday Rachel took her to the Contemporary Museum of Art to an opening. The evening would be their last one together before Melanie’s baby came. Rachel knew the baby would change things. It was a wonderful time. As they walked out into the star covered night and headed towards the car Rachel’s heart was full and happy.

On the way home Melanie opened up to Rachel and shared a story from her past about disappointment in love. Rachel felt close to her friend and grateful she trusted her with intimate details of her life. So when Rachel opened the back door to her house and was confronted by Max her husband she was thrown totally off guard.

“The freakin paint is pink!” Max stood at the doorway and would not let Rachel in. “Pink. What were you thinking when you picked the freakin paint out.”

Rachel’s countenance fell, her stomach turned. She felt ill. Her knees went weak as she slid past Max into the hallway that connects the garage to the kitchen.

In the family room where the finishing touches of the remodeling were underway Rachel looked up at the area Max had been painting to see what he could possibly be talking about.

“The color is ash. It is a gray blue, maybe a hint of purple, but towards the blue.” she explained, “It matches the veins of color in the marble.”

“Freakin’ pink and I don’t know how I am going to freakin’ live with this crap. And I sure as hell am not going to freakin’ paint the stupid room again.”

Max stormed out of the room while tears welded up in Rachel’s eyes and she whispered to herself, “not pink.”

Heart and Soul

2009-02-28T22:20:00.000-08:00

That is my name for Sean, my oldest son. He is a delight and a very intense young man. In many ways he always seemed like an adult. His kindergarten teacher told me he talked like an adult. He loves to explain things and I think he should teach. But he loves computer programming and will excel in that I am sure. When he does something he really gets into it.

This photo is of Sean after he helped light Casie's birthday cake. He is wild and wonderful and thinks life should be a birthday cake with as many candles on it as you can get all lit up.

I love his sense of humor and his sweet spirit. He and Casie are a trip to watch together. I hear them laughing all the time. They cook together. They read the news out loud to each other and discuss all kinds of things. I can talk to Sean about anything and he will get it. That is why I call him Heart and Soul. He will do things like talk to a friend on the phone who is bipolar and struggling. He has dealt with depression and has suffered and because of that has compassion on people, the other reason I call him Heart and Soul.

Sunshine

2009-02-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

Scott

This is Scott's graduation picture. We never got the ones from the studio, it was just a really bad time in our lives. But I took him on a trip to Galveston and took this photo among others. This is by far my favorite. So I guess we really did a graduation picture. I never sent it to family. So many things like this have just slid by me.

Last night Scott stayed up late and cleaned the garage. That is where I paint and he break dances. We keep stuff out there too. There is a constant bickering about "space." All good natured. Tonight since he cleaned the garage I finally put all his or really our art work away. He photographed his work in the process of applying for UNT and UT in art.

I guess if you have to have a mess, it may as well be art. It is EVERYWHERE. In the mean while he wants to throw my old mat cutter out. I want to donate it. He said "we don't have time, just pitch it mom. Is there an emotional attachment here?" I am being GREEN. I replied. Then he starts to sing. "Baby, you can't take it with you to the Promised Land, THROW IT OUT!" See why I call him Sunshine? Needless to say is it leaning up against my work bench waiting for me to take it to Goodwill.

All In

2009-02-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

At Willow Bend we have a way of saying being totally committed to Christ and that is the term, "All In." (I think it is a Texas Hold'em term, but I wouldn't know, clueless)

Anyway, we were discussing some writings of C.S. Lewis where the topic of "all in" was the focus. In the mix of it was a discussion we started off with concerning questions one of our group members has about Genesis and creation.

As random as that seems what kept going through my mind was I would like to see this person take a class on Genesis, like a Precept class. I thought it would be amazing for her to study the topic in depth like that. She says she has so many questions she is sure that even in a life time they could not be answered, but still she will ask.

In the midst of all this I felt a spark, I remembered the love I have of teaching and the joy I have when I study scripture in depth. I "knew" that "something missing" that was keeping me from being "all in" was teaching the Bible. I want to feel that joy again. It is like a thirst the Lord pointed out to me.

I felt the joy again.

I kept thinking about Ephesians 1:17-23 and how I felt when I laid hold of the idea that we can understand God more in increasing measure and He wants us to.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Transformation

2009-02-25T22:21:00.000-08:00

I have always thought that if people would take time to review what they heard in the sermon and think about it during the week the church would be transformed. That is why I like to write in review what I learned and make applications to the things going on in my life. What is weird I thought was, what I wrote late on Saturday night could have been an introduction to the sermon, or at least an introduction to the sermon for me. The sermon spoke that much to me.

In his sermon my pastor Dave Jobe used the spiritual growth triangle to talk about transformation. In doing so he posed the question; which way are you headed? Either you are being transformed into the image of Christ or you are being molded by the world. He was referencing Romans 12:2.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

There are three forces at work in us to produce Spiritual Growth. The first is the Holy Spirit, the second trials and temptations, our circumstances and the third the Disciplines that we intentionally do to produce Spiritual growth.

Philippians 2:12-16 says:
“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”

Transformation must take place in a hostile environment because the things of God are in opposition to the world. The world seeks to seduce us away and allure us into a mindset that we are independent of God.

I think this statement is what stuck out the most to me of all that was taught this Sunday. I came to the service after a week of struggling particularly over the process of determining where I needed to serve in the church.

The temptation when we are struggling in a hostile and difficult environment is to start faking it instead of being open about our struggle. When I blogged last week about what brought on the struggle over serving I was tempted to take it off my blog. I guess that would have been faking it. I decided not to. Then I worried about my struggle until I heard the sermon. When I heard the sermon I was glad I just got my thoughts out there because that is how spiritual growth takes place.

Since Sunday and the sermon, I have heard and read some other comments that have enabled me to be at peace about things that have occurred in my life the last few years. I understand that I have been transformed in the midst of trials and temptations. For that purpose God has allowed them. It is one thing to understand this and another to hurt, really hurt because of being accused of things I didn’t do, have things said about me that were lies, have people judge me based on gossip, to be shunned and then conclude: for the purpose of transformation God allowed these things. This is where it becomes very personal. Just this morning I had to pray and ask God to forgive people whose actions and judgments have made my life a struggle to get by financially.

Even in that, I can see God is teaching me to trust Him in ways I never have before. I know when I do move on to a better job I can say; “this is only something God could have done for me.”

Dave taught that in trusting God our goal isn’t to please God, He is already pleased with us, but the goal is to trust Him more. If we try to please God we become performance based. We need to discern His voice and obey. We need to trust His word.

When we learn to trust Him in all things we have unveiled faith, which is faith that is not faking it. In unveiled faith we find transformation.

2 Corinthians 4:16- 18
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Mode of Operation

2009-02-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

When I sit down to write I almost always free write, good or bad. When I take pictures I almost always take them and am very grateful for the digital format so I can waste as much image as I want. I frees me up, because it cost me nothing but time. But I don’t think discipline is bad, or a strategy or finding what works. I have so much to learn.

I have so many new things in my life and the freedom to explore them, so much to learn, and never enough time. I just plod away. I take photos when I can, draw within a deadline, create, work on the web, my portfolio when that seems possible, form a poem when my attention is drawn to the awe of life. Dance.

I have been down of late and I am not sure why when there is so much richness in my life and the boys are here and there is peace. And I am learning to trust God like I have never before. How can that be bad? So many people in my life speak truth to me and encourage me. I am just beginning to notice I have a very nice life, one to be really, really thankful for.

Maybe I just need more sleep in order to see this more clearly day in and day out.

When I sit down to write I almost always free write and when I lay it down and pick it up and reread it, it makes sense, which is always weird, because when I write it I don’t usually know, I am just getting it out and putting it down.

Struggle

2009-02-21T23:25:00.000-08:00

I have two blogs, one for art and one for writing and faith. I started this one for art and writing and faith took over.

Here I am in this blog wanting to write about art. That is what this week has been full of, which is a good thing. I was encouraged today to continue to elevate art of all types, be it photography, graphic design or Fine art. Blur the definition.

I am glad to have these things to think about because otherwise the week would be one big struggle. It isn’t a struggle with anything but believing not that God is good, but that He is good to me. There is this heaviness and doubt that I just cannot shake. I want to say on one hand, I know what He has said to me, to others. I know what the Bible says, but I just want to say no. I am so uncomfortable with all of this… where I think God is leading me. Not because it isn’t good, but because I just think I don’t deserve it. I guess it is fear too and letting go of the past and forgiving people. There just seems to be a lot of adjustments I need to make in the way I view what God is doing in my life.

My sister wrote me and said in part

I pray that God starts opening more doors and that your trial by fire comes to an end - I don't think either of us can possibly imagine his plans for you.

She has written me this before and there is something about it that rings true. And there is something about it that scares me to death.

Sometimes I am surprised by the amount of baggage I carry, things said to me, things done to me that go against what my sister tells me. Sometimes the struggle is more intense. This week is one of those. I know it is because I need to move on and I need the courage to move on.

I need to exercise faith. But I wish it were as easy as elevating art and refining skills and pulling out the paints and facing the white paper, which takes a kind of faith. But this is something bigger and something only God can do. The question I face is… will I allow God to work.

Child’s Play

2009-02-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

I am a helper in the second to fourth grade Sunday school class at my church. Today while Gigi my co-worker was teaching I got to watch from the other side of the room. We do these games designed to teach simple truths. We are in a section on the Parables of Jesus. Today we studied the parable of the unforgiving servant from the book of Matthew. (Matthew 18:20-22)

Our game consisted of the kids getting in a small circle so they could all take ahold of a gold metal ring. I was across the room with a green foam star. Gigi explained that the gold metal ring was sin and that we were all connected to each other because we are all sinners. “All have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God.”

I wish I had my camera because the expressions on their little faces was classic. There were very disturbed by this revelation, but agreed it was true.

Then Gigi told them the green star I held up was God and they were all separated from God. They began to try to crawl over to God, crying out “We need YOU, we need YOU!”

Gigi said wait a minute you can’t get to God unless I give you something. She then gave them a wooden cut out heart. She said you need a new heart. Then she handed the hearts out saying Jesus died in our place and paid our debt, they were free to run to God.

Which they gratefully did. They all then grabbed on to the green form star and Gigi told them now we are all connected to each other because we belong to God. She asked “How does that feel?”

Much better.

The reality of this escapes some who should know better. Simple enough for a child to grasp.
We are all connected. Think on that.

Sometimes we fall short of what we imagine

2009-02-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

My Star by: Robert Browning (1812-1889)

All that I know
Of a certain star
Is, it can throw
(Like the angled spar)
Now a dart of red,
Now a dart of blue;
Till my friends have said
They would fain see, too,
My star that dartles the red and the blue!

Then it stops like a bird; like a flower, hangs furled:
They must solace themselves with the Saturn above it.
What matter to me if their star is a world?
Mine has opened its soul to me; therefore I love it.

What if I think there is something "good" I should do?

2009-02-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should just do it. I realy think too often we hold back and question our motives. Who put the desire in your heart to do good anyway?

I do not think every decision we make is weighed so heavily. There is good and best, but not everything rises to that. If we decide to do good and we are stopped like Paul was then, God is just guiding us. Only because He knows more, wants the best. He loves our desire to move towards Him. He will gently guide us. He isn't angry or waiting for us to mess up.

Don't let fear stop you from doing good, especially when it is about sharing the Gospel.

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

2009-01-31T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have been reading through the Book of Galatians in my quiet time in the morning. A strange occurrence, not unfamiliar, except in its intensity happened, having portion of scripture “jump out” at you from the page. The last part of the 6th verse of Galatians 5:6 did this morning. And I applied it to myself with great relief. I can do that, express faith through love although in incomplete and imperfect measure. I can wrap my mind around it. I understand it. To say, God willing and in His strength I will express faith through love. It fills me with peace.

What I cannot do is what the Galatians had started to do and that is to be justified by the law, or better yet by works or any other human standard whether it is mine or another. You have no idea how freeing that as for me. It lifted a burden of trying to be right in other people’s eyes. I am beginning to see myself as God sees me, through Jesus Christ.

My God has forgiven me even of anything that might have caused Him shame. He is capable of forgiving me and desires for me to walk in that forgiveness.

How about you? Are you free from trying to live by a standard instead of grace? Do you judge yourself and others by a standard that you have measured in your own mind? A friend recently told me to stop trying to figure God out, walk in faith. I think that applies here. Another friend often says to judge nothing before its time, really judge nothing because God is not finished with us and He is the judge. I think my friend is referring to Paul. He does not even judge himself.

The application here for me to begin to seek God’s will in my life, now. I think I have waited a season or two. I have begun, but not begun in earnest. Maybe because to seek God’s will for my life will encourage dealing with difficult situations, relationships and the mess of accumulated judgment I have stored inside of me that really, really, really is not of God.

1 Corinthians 4:1-5
Apostles of Christ So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

Opps! Did I Say That!!???

2009-01-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

People come into the print shop and with an expectation that has been cultivated by a long history with my boss Terry. Terry is a copier genius. I mean that. If it can be done on a copier, she knows how, there is a real art here. And I am not Terry.

Too often that makes people angry like a lady today who wanted hand written notes copied onto stationary. I can do it, but I have to take my time and it makes me nervous. If I mess up I have ruined expensive paper that the customer bought elsewhere. Terry can run it in her sleep with one hand tied behind her back while she talks to a customer on the phone about the price of two colors on linen. OK.

So I tell the lady, "it will take 20 minutes. Are you going to come back?" [insert adult temper tantrum].

Now I want to say, "I am the graphic designer, I can find a font and make a pdf print BLACK. OK. But this will take me 20 minutes." I am glad I can do it with a little trial run on copied stationary cut to fit and lots of trial and error.

I tell her I am not Terry… during the adult temper tantrum. This makes me nervous. I may ruin your paper.

She leaves in a fit. Tom tell my other boss tells me, I don’t have to run it.
But I decide to. I also decide to be nice when the adult temper tantrum returns although I think she is REDICULOUS.

I am sweet. It works. The stationery gets copied and she is happy. She runs into Terry and her mom as they return from lunch. Terry’s mom, former owner of the shop says to me, “Do you want an aspirin?” and smiles.

I just want to get back to the Menu I am updating in my office.

I ask myself and Jesus, “Do I ever act that way?” You would have thought she was our most profitable customer. I think her bill was under $10.00.

I get impatient with fast food people. No adult temper tantrums, but I am think ugly things. To make it worse, I hate fountain sodas. I often I just get a sandwich so I am this under $ 3.00. Big spender and I want million dollar treatment. Reality check here. Why do we do that?

I know I am not the only one. It is Wendy’s not Turtle Creek.
I joined a site on Facebook this week a kindness awareness type thing particularly for women. YEAH!

Let’s be kind to each other. Most of us aren’t the Bank president, but a mom, an administrative assistant, a Customer Service Person, hair stylist, teacher. I am not saying if we were a bank president we would get a pass, but I can see we might think we were above it all.

What does the Bible say? I will make this very, very simple.

Colossians 3:12-14
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Convince Me

2009-01-26T20:29:00.000-08:00

Early in March when Sarah was in third grade, Mrs. Lorenz her teacher read a chapter a day from the book A Secret Garden. It was on one of those days while the air was still crisp and the sky gray that Sarah slipped out of her house and walked in the snow covered backyard to see if she could see any signs of spring. There in the snow she found the tips of the crocuses that were fooled into believing that spring was near, just a few days before while the sun had shown and promised better days.

Seeing the first sign of spring that day was the first indication to Sarah that she was a watcher of the seasons. That spring she taught herself to be carefully observant as she went out to the garden to look for the subtle changes that took place over night. She was pleasantly surprised as new flowers in her mother’s garden came to life and brought their own color to the garden each in their turn; Crocus, Daffodil, Tulip, Lilac and the Iris. On the side of the house were the Lily of the Valley and the Violet, wildflower her mother had taken from the wooded land by her grandmother’s house.

Sarah’s neighbor Mrs. Myers was an artist and a gardener. She won awards for her landscape and beds of all sorts of plants and flowers. Sarah found the gardens around her house enchanting. There were rock gardens and stone pathways with bird baths that Mrs. Myers labored over. Mrs. Myers was very proud of her yard and welcomed neighbors to view her lovely work. She told Sarah she could visit anytime. There was only one rule, “please don’t walk in the flower beds,” Mrs. Myers would say.

In the summer while the sky was blue and the days grew longer Mrs. Myers hung Japanese lanterns on her patio lattice. Lights illumined the garden pathways and neighbors often strolled through her gardens as the sun set. Sarah would go there too just before the street lights came on, then she would run home. The most wonderful thing about the garden at Mrs. Myers house was the goldfish pond in the front yard by the garden entry way.

Sarah as by nature a shy child, but she liked Mrs. Myers. When Mrs. Myers discovered Sarah was an artist too she invited her to work in her garage on the potter’s wheel. Sarah learned to cut the clay and kneed it, cut the clay and kneed it until the air bubbles were removed and the clay was safe in the kiln. “Air bubbles will cause your pot to explode in the kiln.” Mrs. Meyers warned. Sarah spent many hours that summer in the garage with mounds of wobbly clay she carefully pulled into a pot or a bowl or maybe a cup.

Sarah took to sitting by the goldfish pond watching the goldfish waltz in the water. She studied the rocks and the plants and the garden around the pond. It seemed to transport her into another world. One day she was lying on her stomach in the grass looking at the goldfish when she caught her first glimpse of the fairy. Frozen with awe Sarah lay there for a long time barely breathing. She hoped if she lay still enough she could see the fairy again.

Sarah returned to the goldfish pond faithfully every night just before the sunset and the street light came on, the exact time she had first seen the fairy. She would wait as the fireflies flitted about for the fairy to return.

Sarah saw the fairy several times before the days changed and autumn came and she returned to school as a fourth grader. Every day as she walked home she passed the goldfish pond she thought of the fairy and wanted to speak to her if only once. If she spoke to the fairy would she answer? Sarah often wondered. It became a question that would not leave Sarah’s mind as she passed the pond day after day.

The first night that the wind blew in the cold and the world outside Sarah’s window was transformed by the frost she asked that question again, this time out loud as she fell asleep. “If I could speak to the fairy would she talk?”

In the morning when she woke up Sarah went to the window in her room to look out on the world through the frost covered window panes, she saw it. Scratched into the ice that covered her window in delicate and beautiful script were these words, Yes, if you talk to me I will answer, Flores.

2009-01-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

The Bible Does Allow Divorce in Domestic Abuse Cases

He Promises to Dwell With Us and to Forgive

2009-01-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

David was not the one to build the Temple, even though it was the desire of his heart. The Lord spoke to David through the prophet Nathan. He heard David’s request and it pleased Him, but it was Solomon who God chose to build the Temple. David set Solomon up for success by gather materials for the construction.

As amazing as the finished Temple was the events of the dedication of the Temple are even more amazing. In the midst of the celebration and fanfare when the Ark of the Covenant was brought into the Temple the glory of the Lord filled the Temple and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud.

Solomon prayed the most amazing prayer.

2 Chronicles 6:18-21
"But will God really dwell on earth with men? The heavens, even the highest heavens, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built! Yet give attention to your servant's prayer and his plea for mercy, O LORD my God. Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is praying in your presence. May your eyes be open toward this temple day and night, this place of which you said you would put your Name there. May you hear the prayer your servant prays toward this place. Hear the supplications of your servant and of your people Israel when they pray toward this place. Hear from heaven, your dwelling place; and when you hear, forgive.”
What kind of faith, what kind of courage did it take to pray that prayer?

Big faith, complete trust that God would do as He said He would do.

When Jesus came into the world an even more miraculous event took place, the God who cannot be contained whose glory filled the Temple walked this earth. God became flesh and dwelt among us. Jesus was fully God and fully man. This is miraculous beyond words, who can explain it?

When we invite this same God into our lives, when we agree with Him and say that Jesus’ sacrificial death is enough, that Jesus died in our place to pay the penalty for our sins, that the same God who cannot be contained, who filled the Temple with His glory, who walked the earth fully God and fully man comes to live inside us, illuminating us, transforming us, strengthening our inner man, conforming us to His image, how much faith does that take to believe it is true of us, to live this truth out in our daily lives?

Big faith, complete trust that God would do as He said He would do.

Read the account of the dedication of the Temple in 2 Chronicles 5-7, note Solomon’s request and God’s response and be amazed. Think about the truth that we are the temple of the Living God, really think about it. In light of this truth ask the Lord what you need to change in your life to make your life line up with this? If you are like me, you have underestimated God and what He wants and can do through you.

2 Chronicles 7:1-3
When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the LORD above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the LORD, saying,
"He is good;
his love endures forever."

The Beach

2009-01-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

My niece is studying to be a nurse and is working in a hospital. One afternoon she posts on one of her social network sites that she "is hoping when she gets older and delirious that her hallucinations are happy. "

I commented on her post and she explains further; "No I'm at work... The floor I work on is a mix between neurology and urology and I’m psy sitting two patients for my last eight hour of this shift... One thinks he's on the beach in Martha’s Vineyard and the other just moans and screams... I want to be the one who thinks he's on the beach."

So how do you view life? We live in a world full of insecurities and situations less than ideal. How we think about our situation matters. Who we trust within our situations matters more. I understand my niece’s observation when life reduces us to deliriums and hallucinations; she wants them to be good. Those of us who have the foundation of a solid faith in an unchanging God can count on more than a pleasant disposition. We can count on an unseen reality that is more real than what we now think is real. It all comes down to what do we trust in, or more important who do we trust.

In Isaiah this question was serious business. Isaiah 57 compares not trusting in God with idolatry that included orgies and child sacrifice, pretty sobering when you think about it. I think it illustrates the extremes people go to in order to trust in themselves or in anything other than God.

Isaiah 57:5
You burn with lust among the oaks
and under every spreading tree;
you sacrifice your children in the ravines
and under the overhanging crags.

And
Isaiah 57:10
You were wearied by all your ways,
but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.'
You found renewal of your strength,
and so you did not faint.

What are some practical applications I can make in my life when I find myself moaning and groaning?, when anxiety fills my life?

Examine yourself and ask? Am I following my own agenda or asking for God’s agenda for my life?

Am I following through on what I know I need to do? Am I reading God’s Word, seeking answers through prayer and godly counsel? Am I following through on that guidance?

Most of the time trusting God is a process, we do well, and we struggle. Keep on because He is faithful. Life may not be a beach, but the heart of God towards you is love mightier than the deepest ocean. Think on the bigness of our God and trust.

Snow and Ice

2009-01-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

We woke up this morning to more than a dusting of snow. Earlier last night it rained, so underneath there existed patches of ice. This is the worst condition, because the snow is navigable, but the ice patches are dangerous. It is hard to tell. We decided to not venture out on the 45 minute drive to my parent's church.

I slept in and am lazily packing. Once the temperatures rose near noon I decided to go out with Scott's camera taking a prayer walk around the pond, stopping to take pictures. Maybe the best example of prayer walking in the scriptures is from the Psalms, the Psalm of Ascent, Psalms 120 to Psalm 134. They were sung by the Israelites as the made pilgrimage to Jerusalem for feast days. They were sung in preparation for worship.

I don't sing while I prayer walk, but I think that would be awesome. My prayers are more private. Today I prayed for my parents and I thanked God for who He is. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember He spoke the world into existence. Today as I took photos I marveled at the details of His creation, the ice on the shrub trees full of berries, the ducks on the pond and the way the pond looks frozen with ice and snow. I observed the shape of the snow on the brick path and the patterns it made as the wind blows it across the path. I watched the sun peek through the clouds heavy with more snow. I am glad our God is a God of color and sound, a God of music and speech, texture and wind.

Psalm 126

A song of ascents.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
       our tongues with songs of joy.
       Then it was said among the nations,
       "The LORD has done great things for them."

3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

6 He who goes out weeping,
       carrying seed to sow,
       will return with songs of joy,
       carrying sheaves with him

Not Afraid of the Winter.

2009-01-09T08:54:00.000-08:00

The temperature was hovering just above freezing when our plane landed. Snow was gently falling. As Thursday ends I think the whole time we have been here in Ohio the snow has been falling. There is just a little more than a dusting of snow on the ground now. It sticks to the trees and covers the fields. I study the details like I would study a Currier and Ive's. There are tall brown thistle; dried and bent in the wind sticking up in the fields making the scene all the more interesting to me. My parents live in a very nice retirement community in Bellbrook Ohio, a small farming community. As we travel the roads farm houses dot the landscape, some dating back to the 1800's.

At dinner Wednesday night Sean asked for red pepper for his vegetable soup. My mom laughed, "This is Pennsylvania Dutch cooking your eating."

I chimed in, "Sorry no red pepper you're not in Texas anymore."

I have placed that comment in the back of my mind as I spend my time here. Seeing things differently through a filter. I was Sean's age when I left home. It is almost like observing another subculture.

It was 18 degrees out at 2 p.m. on Thursday when we left for our trip around Dayton, bitter cold when the wind blows. I got out of the car a couple of times to take photos, but didn't want to stop and think too much about the process or take my gloves off to adjust the camera. I only wanted to be out about ten minutes. The results were less than satisfactory.

I didn't want to come to Ohio in the winter, but my father's most recent heart incident made it an imperative. I booked flight for right before I resume classes and hoped for the best weather wise. I dreaded coming to Ohio in the winter. I dreaded the inevitable questions. Here I am in 18 degree weather and more questions than I care to answer but I am OK. I guess it is best to face your fears.

My father thinks I should remarry. Definitely a topic of discussion I want to avoid. I can't imagine it, I can't imagine dating, I can't imagine really talking to a man I was interested in or he in me. I categorize it somewhere near the fear of winter, knowing there will be winter, but it will wane, like love both waxes and wanes. I think of the Proverbs 31 woman who is not afraid of the winter. I want to be like her... not afraid of the future. I want to respect my husband, I want to contribute to my household.

I told my dad I was beginning to open to the possibility, but I am working on healing.

Since my call to ministry stretched my marriage to the breaking point, the only thing I know for sure, that is non-negotiable, anyone I marry must be called to ministry too. God's hand is on me. I want to serve God as I walk a long side my husband, otherwise I will remain single. I pray I will be content.

Learning to Trust

2009-01-06T23:09:00.000-08:00

I spoke in church a few weeks back. I gave a three minute testimony about God’s work in my life. It was about a coming to the end of myself and finding God faithful. It centered on the act of forgiveness. It was an expression of forgiveness still in progress. In the midst of an intense struggle to forgive I made a public statement. I think maybe the fact I made a public statement helped trigger the struggle.

I am thankful for my church family for allowing me to speak. Since I was publically grieved, I have publically forgiven. My church family is my witness.

In my desire to live transparently I faltered, but in the end decided the Lord really did just want me to tell it like it is. I did with hopes that someone needed to hear the message. Or maybe that someone could relate.

Sure enough since the talk I have discussed my testimony with a woman who told me she was deeply move by what I said. She said she was “touched on a deep level.”

I am not sure what that does except expose a burden she has for a family member who is in need of deliverance from the bondage of bitterness. Or perhaps it gave my new friend the chance to express gratitude that she herself has been set free from the tyranny of verbal abuse.

For me as I was able to process the conversation I realized without fear I took a step of trusting another human being with the hopes of a deeper relationship. I have not shared on this level with with anyone other than my close family, my counselor and a few carefully chosen friends. I have hunkered down emotionally for the last fews years without the desire or emotional strength to let anyone new in.

I did not know when I trusted my church family with my testimony, my hurt, God’s love and my healing that it would open my heart to trust again. It was an unexpected and new dimension of grace. I could not have done this or willed it. It seems like almost all of the sudden it happened, but I know it has been a long time coming.

All this must be placed in context of service. The conversation with my new friend would not have taken place without an open door of service. I would still be frozen in the pew, agonizing and defeated had I not stepped up to serve after being encouraged to serve.

See God had another plan. He wants me to step out in faith, speak, trusting His guidance and allowing Him to work. So I trusted Him and He enabled me to trust others again.
Only God.

The Remembrance Phenomenon

2009-01-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I write when I am not at my laptop. Writing happens as I do life. I write even as I take down the decorations that make Christmas connect one year to the next. We have moved house to house many times. I have lived in twelve different dwelling places in my lifetime. Maybe that isn’t much these days. Long gone is the time of staying put in one’s home town. Yesterday as I removed my amazing collection of ornaments from my tree each one evoked a memory of a time and place or the person who gave them to me. The best ones are the ornaments made for me, little bit of love that hangs on my tree from year to year. Nothing I have is valuable in monetary terms. But many were created with hours and hours of work in them along with talent and skill. When I take into account the desire and thought behind these treasures and I am full of gratitude for my family and friends.

There is a quilt ornament my older sister Nancy cross stitched. She sent it with the video How to Make an American Quilt one year. It is a work of art in itself. I found an old paper ornament I made when I shared an apartment with long time friend Judi. Friends since first grade, I will see her next week when I travel to Ohio. There are ornaments Judi crocheted from white thread, ones she crossed stitched. I have cross stitch ornaments from my mother whose needlework encouraged me to try to stitch. I find the two ornaments I taught myself the needle art with. There is more. My sister Margaret rules in her ability to take felt and sequins and make them into my favorite remembrances. There is more but I am a little off topic… except I meant to say bits and pieces of my life hang each year from my tree stirring memories. Each ornament has a story.

As I continue the task of healing which hangs on my ability to forgive those who have hurt me as they sinned have against me I encounter the remembrance phenomenon. When it is triggered by Christmas trees and ornaments it is a pleasant gift. Too often the trigger is linked to an event or person when remembered causes me to once again feel intense pain and if I am not diligent, bitterness. I have learned that remembering a traumatic event is almost like reliving it emotionally. Time and grace help. But I think sometimes these relivings will never end. I must learn to live with the reliving. I need to make peace with my past.

First off I have learned that the remembrance phenomenon is something in the way we are wired, so no guilt trip is needed. I have learned sometimes I just need to let it out. That may mean crying all over again as I release the emotion. I may mean being angry again. Perhaps in the past I did not let myself feel the anger. This is the messy part of the remembrance phenomenon. What I am learning is to trust God in the mess, to trust God with the struggle.
Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I spent a good hour as I painted crying and crying out to the Lord. It was painful, it was messy, but it was definitely a time of surrender to His will. Often the Psalmist poured out his heart before the Lord. I understand this.

As the morning begins and I read in my devotional time from Isaiah 50 I sense there is more. There is more work. I began to see the answers in the text. As I trust God in the messiness of life, as I fight the negative side of the remembrance phenomenon what can Isaiah teach me that will help me live life?

In Isaiah 50 we have instruction from the servant who is Jesus Christ. Since this is prophecy the events described had not taken place when Isaiah wrote them, but the truths given here are eternal. A problem is defined, a solution is given and the consequence for not following the solution is elaborated on.

The problem is idolatry. If you think in terms of bronze and wood you will miss the point. Anything we do in place of trusting God is off track and idolatry. We tend to downplay our modern more acceptable forms of it. It isn’t that the people were just idolatrous; it was that they were unrepentant. Isaiah prophesied that the people would be taken into captivity because of their sin. Instead of repenting they would complain and blame God. The first four verses are God’s response to them and to us when we are like minded. God is perfectly capable of rescuing us, He is mighty. There is no deliverance because we would rather blame that look to the Lord for help.

The solution starts in verse four. Jesus is the solution. What we learn about Him is this: He is well instructed in wisdom. He knows how to instruct a weary people. He gets His instruction each morning from the Father, we need to be like Him, obedient to what we hear. Even when Jesus was persecuted and suffered He listened and obeyed God. He did not hide from the messiness. He was glad He obeyed God in the midst of it. Because of that Jesus Christ did not suffer shame or disgrace. He tells us if we trust in God and not our own strength, then no one can accuse us either. Those who do will answer to the Lord.

This is radical trust. Even when we seem to walk in the dark, if we trust God we are much better off than those whose light is their selves and their reliance on themselves.

When I am faced with the remembrance phenomenon I need to listen to the one who knows how to instruct the weary, who understand being sinned against, and who instead trusts in God without regret.

That means for me in a practical way I need to remember alongside my pain, that God is mighty and able to rescue me. Do I trust Him in the pain and hurt? If I can say yes than I walk in the light of His deliverance. I need to remember God.

Isaiah 50:1 -11 The Message
GOD says: "Can you produce your mother's divorce papers proving I got rid of her? Can you produce a receipt proving I sold you? Of course you can't. It's your sins that put you here, your wrongs that got you shipped out.

So why didn't anyone come when I knocked? Why didn't anyone answer when I called? Do you think I've forgotten how to help? Am I so decrepit that I can't deliver? I'm as powerful as ever, and can reverse what I once did: I can dry up the sea with a word, turn river water into desert sand, And leave the fish stinking in the sun, stranded on dry land

Turn all the lights out in the sky and pull down the curtain."

The Master, GOD, has given me a well-taught tongue, So I know how to encourage tired people. He wakes me up in the morning, Wakes me up, opens my ears to listen as one ready to take orders.

The Master, GOD, opened my ears, and I didn't go back to sleep, didn't pull the covers back over my head.

I followed orders, stood there and took it while they beat me, held steady while they pulled out my beard, Didn't dodge their insults, faced them as they spit in my face.
And the Master, GOD, stays right there and helps me, so I'm not disgraced. Therefore I set my face like flint, confident that I'll never regret this.

My champion is right here. Let's take our stand together! Who dares bring suit against me? Let him try!

Look! the Master, GOD, is right here. Who would dare call me guilty? Look! My accusers are a clothes bin of threadbare socks and shirts, fodder for moths!

But if all you're after is making trouble, playing with fire, Go ahead and see where it gets you. Set your fires, stir people up, blow on the flames, But don't expect me to just stand there and watch. I'll hold your feet to those flames.

Prayer and the New Year

2009-01-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

As I look back on the year and forward to the next, I have a legacy of prayer. I am assured of that because I have a prayer journals full of my prayer. They stretch back 10 year since I spent the summer of 1999 studying Beth Moore’s book on prayer, New Every Morning. It was a copy my sister in law bought for me after sitting in her class in Houston. It was the proto type for a later edition that was to be published as Whispers of Hope. The premise of the study was if we would pray and journal for 10 weeks or 70 days prayer would become a habit. If you are serious about a persistent and faithful prayer life I recommend her book.

I did this exercise with the hope of a fresh word; new breathe of life to be breathed into my prayer life. It has become a time of comfort and strength, not bad things but today I sense He wants to do a new work within the context of my prayer life so I am meditating on Jesus Christ and how he prayed.

From the Gospels I learned…
Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies.
Jesus taught that if we make a show of prayer, but do not live a life of love we will receive no reward or worse punishment.
Jesus taught us to pray in solitude, it was something he modeled.
Jesus taught us to pray in simple conversational language.
Jesus gave us a model for prayer.
Jesus prayed for others, he made it a point to pray for the children. So should we; our children, grandchildren and others. He prayed for his disciples present and future. We need to pray for the next generation.
Jesus prayed passionately for the church to be a place of worship.
Jesus taught us to pray with faith.
Jesus invited others to pray with him.
Jesus prayed with persistence. We should too.
Jesus taught us to watch and pray, to keep us from temptation and to strengthen the spirit in times of trial.
Jesus prayed to remove evil spirits.
Jesus taught if we want to be forgiven we must forgive. We should do this before we stand to pray (in front of other.)
Jesus taught about fasting and prayer.
Jesus prayed and revealed himself.
Jesus taught us to pray with humility.
Jesus prayed for Himself so should we.

The references:

Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies.
Matthew 5:44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
Luke 6:28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Jesus taught that if we make a show of prayer, but do not live a life of love we will receive no reward or worse punishment.
Matthew 6:5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.
Mark 12:40They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely."
Luke 20:47They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely."

Jesus taught us to pray in solitude. He modeled that.
Matthew 6:6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
Matthew 14:23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,
Mark 1:35[ Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place ] Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.
Mark 6:46After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.
Luke 5:16But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
Luke 6:12[ The Twelve Apostles ] One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.
Luke 22:41He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed,

Jesus taught us to pray in simple conversational language.
Matthew 6:7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.

Jesus gave us a model for prayer.
Matthew 6:9"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Luke 11:1[ Jesus' Teaching on Prayer ] One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples."
Luke 11:2He said to them, "When you pray, say: " 'Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come.

Jesus prayed for others, he made it a point to pray for the children. So should we; our children, grandchildren and others. He prayed for his disciples present and future. We need to pray for the next generation.
Matthew 19:13[ The Little Children and Jesus ] Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.
Luke 22:32But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
John 17:6[ Jesus Prays for His Disciples ] "I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word.
John 17:9I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours.
John 17:15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.
John 17:20[ Jesus Prays for All Believers ] "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message,

Jesus prayed passionately for the church to be a place of worship.
Matthew 21:13"It is written," he said to them, " 'My house will be called a house of prayer,' but you are making it a 'den of robbers.' "
Mark 11:17And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written: " 'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations' ? But you have made it 'a den of robbers.' "
Luke 19:46"It is written," he said to them, " 'My house will be a house of prayer' ; but you have made it 'a den of robbers.' "

Jesus taught us to pray with faith
Matthew 21:22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
Mark 11:24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours

Jesus invited others to pray with him.
Matthew 26:36[ Gethsemane ] Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray."
Mark 14:32[ Gethsemane ] They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray."
Luke 9:28[ The Transfiguration ] About eight days after Jesus said this, he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray.
Luke 22:39[ Jesus Prays on the Mount of Olives ] Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.

Jesus prayed not for his will to be done but the will of the Father.
Matthew 26:39Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."
Mark 14:35Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him.

Jesus prayed with persistence. We should too.
Matthew 26:42He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."
Matthew 26:44So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.
Mark 14:39Once more he went away and prayed the same thing.
Luke 18:1[ The Parable of the Persistent Widow ] Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.
Luke 22:44And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

Jesus taught us to watch and pray, to keep us from temptation and to strengthen the spirit in times of trial.
Matthew 26:41"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Mark 14:38Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Luke 21:36Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man."
Luke 22:40On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation."
Luke 22:46"Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."

Jesus prayed to remove evil spirits
Mark 9:29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer. "
Jesus taught if we want to be forgiven we must forgive. We should do this before we stand to pray (in front of other.)
Mark 11:25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Jesus taught about fasting and prayer
Luke 5:33[ Jesus Questioned About Fasting ] They said to him, "John's disciples often fast and pray, and so do the disciples of the Pharisees, but yours go on eating and drinking."

Jesus prayed and revealed himself
Luke 9:18[ Peter's Confession of Christ ] Once when Jesus was praying in private and his disciples were with him, he asked them, "Who do the crowds say I am?"
Luke 9:29As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning.

Jesus taught us to pray with humility.
Luke 18:10"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
Luke 18:11The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector.

Jesus prayed for Himself so should we.
John 17:1[ Jesus Prays for Himself ] After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed:

Be Salt and Light

2008-12-31T19:14:00.000-08:00

“Be salt and light” was the third word I hear from the Lord recently. A small still voice as I thought about the post Colin put on his Facebook note concerning their Christmas adventure to minister to the homeless. The boys minus my son Scott stopped by Christmas night to borrow my old boom box before they headed downtown to see what they could do in the name of Jesus. The plan was to show up where the homeless hang out and feed a few people, maybe dance, thus the boom box. They hoped to pray for or with some of the men they might meet. I love these guys and was not disappointed when Colin posted last night. God does speak to us. He desires to do so.

And from that post of Colin’s came a question to me. Again, what will I do with it, the it being what God gives me? His imperative lest I not draw the conclusion myself… “be salt and light.”

The word to me came in context of art, art ministry and how the Lord might use that. And so know I can tell the story of the woman from Illinois with no home but a dream. I have written an encounter with this homeless woman into a poem. Truth is I am being shaped by the women I meet at the shelter too, like Colin was by the man Christmas night. Like Colin I know I can be their voice. That is something Sara Groves suggested at her concert when she asked her audience to consider the plight of the needy, to help, to give, to be the voice of the oppressed and hurting.

Recently my pastor suggested we make our families larger, extend that to the church, pull up our tent pegs and enlarge our tent. That is my prayer for my church as I enter the new year, that and the task of speaking truth to people in love.

As I looked up the reference to the image of “enlarging our tents” I find it in Isaiah 54 along with the first word spoken to me in the series of utterance that the Lord has blessed me with as I seek His face and his will for my life at this intersection.

Now He has my attention.

Matthew 5:13 - 16
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

I have had a heaviness in my heart, a burden that hasn’t been lifted, for years now. In the spirit of this verse it rages against the lies of the enemy and speaks truth, “be salt and light.” And I often fall back in dismay and look at the ruins of a life of service I once knew. “Be salt and light” breathes life into a dream, it awakens hope, it implores justice, mercy and reconciliation. It longs for wholeness. I know the source of the message and I believe what He says to me is not in vain.
Isaiah 54

The Future Glory of Zion

1 "Sing, O barren woman,
who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.
2 "Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.
7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children's peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD.

Faith Walk

2008-12-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard the voice of God? Does He speak to you? What do we mean by that, when we say God speaks? When the Spirit brings to mind a specific scripture to use in the situation we find ourselves in, God speaks. We may hear a sermon and know what is preached applies to our situation, God speaks through our pastor. We may have a friend speak truth to us, God speaks through our friend. Sometimes it is a still soft voice that isn’t audible but a voice none the less that answers a prayer, God speaks to us directly. The Bible says we will know his voice, just like a sheep knows the voice of the shepherd. John 10:14

When Chris LaRue spoke to us on Sunday he asked the question, "have you ever heard Jesus speak to you? If you have, what was the last thing He said to you and what is your response to that going to be? Are we as individuals and as a church body going to act on these things in faith based on what was said to us? What are we going to do with what Jesus tells us?”

Whoah!

I fast and pray regularly with expectation that God will speak to me. He usually does. I don’t know how it works, just that is does. I can’t explain it. He has given me two specific words in the last few weeks, speaking to my situation. He has given me an unexpected but definite change of direction. Not that I was entirely caught off guard. He has a way of preparing us in advance, we just don’t always know until the circumstances present themselves. Sometimes God speaks before I fast, preparing me for the fast. Sometimes He speaks during the fast. But most often he speaks when I break fast.

As I begin the new year I have these specific words to me in my mind. I am letting them seep through my thoughts and color my perception. I have written them in my journal. As I make decisions amd interpret situations I will remember these truths. I will share them at the right time… for now they are to ponder in my heart.

We are responsible for what we know. When we study a scripture we become responsible for its application in our life. As people speak truth into our lives we again are responsible for that message. In taking these divine messages and applying them to our lives we become obedient to God. When we act according to them even though our circumstances don’t make our way clear, we walk by faith not sight. We chose to walk by faith not what we see, what we want to see or what we hope to see.

Chris said something I thought was profound. He said that the house of faith is built on the character of God. We trust in Him, who He is, His promises. How our house looks depends on us, it depends on our obedience to what we know of God.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Christmas Bloggin’

2008-12-25T16:28:00.000-08:00

To tell the truth I haven’t looked forward to Christmas for many reasons. But it is here and I am pleasantly surprised that I am ok. I cooked all day and Scott and Tori are coming over to eat soon. We sort of didn’t plan things. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. The fact that I cooked on Christmas borders on the miraculous and shows that God has done a healing work in my life. One of the ways I shut down during the divorce was not being able to cook. I just couldn’t do it anymore, or only with dread.

I have been drinking chocolate coffee. There is a candle burning called Christmas Eve. I have been playing Christmas music alone in the house; the boys are off at their girls friends. That is the way it should be. Bryant, Miles and Collin stopped by on their way to South Dallas to minister to the homeless. They borrowed my CD player so they can dance.

I am at peace with the world for now and grateful for some time off work. I have been taking photos of Christmas, like a diary to remember.

I called my parents and thanked them for all they do to help me and to tell them I am looking forward to seeing them in two weeks. They said it is supposed to be 50 there tomorrow. Maybe it won’t be too cold when I get there. Who knows?

I am starting to get excited about the direction God is nudging me in even though I feel awkward and maybe even foolish. But sometimes it is better to be a fool than play it safe. I would rather people say I was a fool than be known for playing it safe when all is said and done. But maybe when you are following after God and listening to His heart, then that is the best, no matter what people think. After all the crap I have been through, why should I even waste the energy to type even a thought about what people think. People talk that is a given, glad I can give them something to talk about.

But in the end, what I want is this, to know I listened to God.
The kids are on their way over, I am going to set the table.

Merry Christmas!!

Burden: Will I Dance Before Him?

2008-12-22T22:40:00.001-08:00

There is something that God stirs up in my heart over and over again. It is a burden for single moms, particularly single moms with young children. Years ago he gave me a vision of the wounded woman as I call it. I have come to realize as I became a single mom, it was a vision of being a single mom.

I had two visions about the time I went forward in church to make my calling public. The first one was during a quiet time. I sensed women around me crying. There was deep wailing and grief, pain that went to their very core. I had the sensation of my shoulder being wet with their tears, but it really wasn’t. All I can say is it was a sense of it being that way. I didn’t really hear the crying, but felt it.

Then a few weeks later I sensed one women crying, she wasn’t a single woman, she represented many. She was crying like before and she was enveloped in darkness. Then there was a light, like a lamp that came and entered into the very core of her darkness and grief. I knew the lamp was Jesus. I feared the woman was me. (from Vision, Blessed Lady.com)

Heartache abounds in our world and I don’t think it is always expressed. We put on a brave face and do what we must to take care of our kids. My are grown and I can only imagine being alone and on my own with little ones. Where does one find the strength to keep on moving?

I decided last month to take my mentee Tara* out for the afternoon one Saturday in December. I decide to make it special as I could and make it my gift to her. I decided to ask her mom and two year old sister to come. We decided on the Nutcracker Ballet. I soon found a performance online that fit our time frame.

Cheryl* Tara’s mom greeted me Saturday in the lobby of the shelter with excitement and we began our afternoon. With just a few questions I had Cheryl sharing her difficulties and frustrations, her hopes and fear in the car ride up to the Eisemann Center in Richardson. As she talked and shared two realizations occurred to me. First she was a woman of my vision. Second the gift of time and getting out was the most precious gift I could have shared with her. I was glad Tara was anxious to have her mom and sister tag along with us, I thought for a fifteen year old that was different. I also discovered Cheryl’s struggles were not too different from my own and I often feel completely overwhelmed by the task at hand. I differ in the resources I have at hand.

I think knowing our connectedness could make me uncomfortable, but it didn’t, instead I received a burden. I have to commit to helping this woman in whatever way I can. Maybe for now it is prayer and encouragement. Maybe it is just loving her daughter… whatever God lays on my heart. After the drama on Sunday my pastor said the biggest need we have as believers is to make our families bigger. We don't think big enough.

The ballet was beautiful and we all drank its beauty in. The two year old danced in the aisle and I was delighted and never so glad to follow through on an intention as this one.

Cherly has nothing on a worldly scale. She is the poorest of the poor. She wants to preserve what there is of family and nurture it and make it flourish. She wants to provide for her kids. She needs support from a church family and she wonders what her future will bring. And I want to be a part of a dream. I want her to make it.

Cheryl said something that I always thought about when I taught Bible study at the homeless shelter. I could go there and encourage, but I got to go home at night. What Cheryl shared was what is was like to stay. Realizing I could leave made me want to be as genuine as I could in what I taught. I couldn’t throw some scripture at then like a bandaid and go home to my beautiful home and feel proud that I went. So many are afraid to go. But what I bring, what I offer better be real and tested before I ask a lady like Cheryl to listen to me and what I have to say.

Do we walk the walk or talk the talk? Is my faith real enough for the Cheryl’s of the world and will I go and share it? Will I be the beautiful hands and feet of our Lord?

*(not her real name)

ART

2008-12-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

Oh the very name “Christian art” makes me wince. I think of imitation, playing it safe… should I label myself a Christian artist I expect the thought police would soon be at my door to fruit pick my work looking for any deviation from the sanctioned norm. I speak as a visual artist. There has always been a place for the musician in the church, however the visual artist is often suspect, I think. Maybe that is changing?

Am I being unfair?

I don’t think so. As a Christian who happens to be an aspiring artist, photographer and writer I had the privilege of listening to a room full mostly nonbelievers discuss Evangelicals, in the midst of laughter and their perception of us.

Even as their thoughts and talk displayed a misunderstanding of my faith, they nailed us on the Christian culture. We look ridiculous in their eyes for the very reason stated above; imitating the culture at large than offering a sanitized version of art and music or whatever. We were discussing what they called “offensive or creepy” Christian T-shirts, ones is particular that suggest certain types of people are going to hell. I immediately thought of Derek Webb and The T-shirts that We Wear. Webb is one of the more edgy and controversial “Christian artist” who I greatly admire and love.

I also love my writing class who had this discussion and when I heard it I immediately wanted to blog about it, but I had to wait until I was done with school.

Their refrain was, “why can’t they come up with something original; Christian rock, Christian t-shirts, Christian Guitar Hero. (roll their eyes) And I feel the same way. But I wish it were different.

As a proponent of what I call Art Ministry I am forever thinking and rethinking what it means to be a Christian artist or maybe an artist who happens to be a Christian. I am not satisfied with either description. In my evolving definition of art ministry I find myself proposing that all art references something. There is no art that is completely original. Art is revision at its worst or dialog at its best. As an artist you speak truth to me in song, paint, poetry… then I engage and respond and hopefully something will come forth that is fresh and connected to you or to the community we find ourselves a part of. True dialog doesn’t have rules or a set of expectations but a natural flow. If you are conscious of God at work in you and observant of life around you it births an authentic art that references both the world I live in and the God who dwells within me. That doesn’t happen with a formula.

Life is rough sometimes, how can we avoid being edgy? How can we speak to the culture if we ignore the injustice and the needs we see around us? If we would just open our eyes. I think sometimes as the church we don’t want to talk about it, what is happening to people, how we can impact them. We will make a t-shirt to tell them they are wrong. Wouldn’t dialog instead be refreshing?

How many times did Jesus say, “those who have ears let him hear?”

How many times was Jesus accused of eating with sinners?

If we have the Good News to speak, let us do so creatively and with excellence. Let us share it with those who need to hear it in a way that they understand. Let’s not play it safe. Let us not preach to the choir. Let us not be a subculture that speaks a language that those who need to hear the message don’t understand.

Over my winter break I have the opportunity to do art with some my son’s friends. As believer we will wrestle with the question of being an artist and speaking for God and what that means and how do we do it with excellence. How do we impact those around us and what role do we play in redeeming a culture.

One of the most profound things to happen to me in art class at UTD was a dialog I had with Greg Metz, my instructor. I was taking his silk screen class and I wanted to do silk screen of a last supper presentation at my church. I wanted to use a photo one of my art ministry students took. His comment was this. The last supper is the most reproduced art in the history of art. It is old. Do something new. Think about this, as we enter the sanctuary we bring the world with us. We do it seamlessly. We take the elements. The question is when we leave the sanctuary do we take communion out with us? Think about that.

In Light of His Word to Us

2008-11-30T22:27:00.000-08:00

First Sunday In Advent

Luke 1:11- 16
Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord."

I watch a movie this weekend called Simon Birch. It was about a young boy with a birth defect that caused him to be small for his age. He was a small young man, but he was large in his faith. He believed God allowed him to live for a purpose. He believed he would be a hero one day and that is why he walked the earth. Simon Birch was made fun of for both this stature and his vision. He died age 12 as a hero. When I read the Christmas story I always see a challenge to personal faith. In the story of the birth of John the Baptist we have to different reaction to a very specific and detailed word from God. God had a specific purpose for John the Baptist and his parents play a role in the fulfilling of that purpose. Zechariah saw the angel deliver the message and did not believe. It was a wondrous promise and Zechariah demanded proof.
Elisabeth on the other hand did not see the angel, nor receive a specific word from the Lord. When she become pregnant she gave glory to God believing his hand was in it. She said "The Lord has done this for me," … "In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people” (Luke 1:25)

As we begin the season of Advent, as we prepare our hearts and meditate on the Word of God, His specific word to us and the evidence of His goodness in our lives let is receive the movement of the Spirit in our lives with joy. As we light the first candle let us determine to let the evidence of His work in our lives shine as He seeks to complete the purpose of our life in us. Let His light shine in us.

A thanksgiving memory

2008-11-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

All My Grand Mother's Cat's were named Tabby.

I found this while looking for files to make my Master Piece of Thanksgiving Memories and More.

Posted on Zanga.

I am cooking dinner and making a list for a shopping trip tomorrow morning. I have my recipe book out and miscellaneous sheets of paper with recipes on them that I think I should one day put neatly into a binder. I think holidays are wonderful for the most part; hopefully they stir good memories, at least a few. I came from a family where holidays meant gathering with my aunts and uncles and cousin for big meals and a lot of laughter. It didn’t matter if it was Christmas or Memorial Day up at the lake we gathered together and ate. I love my family and my extended family they are the best people.

I was thinking way back into my childhood as I peeled potatoes tonight and recalled my aunt and uncles house in Hamilton, Ohio. My uncle was the pastor of the Hamilton Evangelical United Brethren church at that time and they lived in the parsonage. We gathered for thanksgiving there one year. I remember several things about those times. First there were probably 35 of us and the kids were encouraged to play outside while my aunts and grandma cooked, which was fine with me. This one time we climbed apple trees or maybe they were cherry trees. I had never climbed a tree before and if you are about 6 and never have climbed a tree before fruit trees are a great place to start. Except my aunt didn’t think so, I guess they were her fruit trees so we moved on. Next we got the BEST idea. We decided to take my aunt’s cat three flights of stairs up the fire escape on the side of the church and throw her over the top. The theory was cats always landed on their feet. For protection we planned to catch her with a blanket at the bottom. It was to resemble a circus act. I was chosen to hold one edge of the blanket. As the cat fell three flights and oh yes she did turn mid air and proceed feet first, I must have gotten nervous or something I let the blanket slip and the cat free fell to the ground. It was a pitiful noise she let out and everyone screamed at me. Fortunately after my grandmother inspected her, she was pronounced OK, to my great relief. My grandmother had a way a thinking everything we did was amusing and this incident proved to be no less so. She pronounced that her grandchildren were testing to see if cats really did have nine lives. She believed whole heartedly they did. So we came inside and for some reason I am not sure Anita and I made a sauce of flour and milk for the cat. I guess we were feeling bad that we threw her off a building, a church no less. Well, I guess she wasn’t hungry or milk and flour sauce is gross to cats who have experienced severe trauma and she refused it. We responded by pushing her face in it. My grandmother laughed, but at this point we were prohibited from playing with the cat anymore and told to wash up for dinner. I want to take the opportunity this Thanksgiving to apologize to all cats everywhere for the insensitive way I treated them as a six year old. Chow.

Another Zanga Post, BUT not the one I am looking for.........

Happy Thanksgiving. I tend to think about the past on this holiday, like the year in Florida when my niece ruled the TV all weekend and we were forced to watch unending episodes of the Planet of the Ape reruns on TBS' Planet of the Apes Thanksgiving Movie Marathon. She's a psychology major now, maybe there's a correlation, sweet kid, I miss her.
I got my little sister to start her own xanga site. She asks, who would want to read a middle-aged lady's posting? Well I call her the Erma Bombeck from Alabama. She's a hoot when she's on a roll, and she writes better than I do and I have tired to get her to write again for years now. She was diagnosed with leukemia several years ago and much she has to say is about learning to deal with her disease, which as of today there is little to treat her. Fortunately her type of leukemia is slow in progressing and her progression has been even slower than normal. Meanwhile researchers are looking for way to treat it . I don't think about her illness a lot, but yesterday was her birthday (24th) and sometimes I just have to acknowledge she is ill, which I hate.
Visit her and encourage her, pray for her too, it makes a difference, she can always tell.
Now an essay on the happy thanksgiving thing.
I don't think happiness and thanksgiving always relate, true thanksgiving takes place outside of happiness, the kind that God admires anyway.
I am thankful for the concept of thanksgiving; it is way to readjust our thinking and shape it into something that pleases God.
I am thankful for a God whose character causes me to look up and out and beyond myself.
I am thankful for a God who deals with me on every level with an amazing ability to engage me in meaningful ways and change me when I absolutely can or will not. We've walk a lot on that path this year and I can honestly say "thank you Father for delivering me, for healing me emotionally and physically and for giving me a greater sense of purpose and confidence that if You have called me You will enable me."
I am thankful for my little family and that it is just us plus April this year for the holiday. I am grateful for my extended family, whom many will receive the book Boundaries for Christmas from me. Just teasing, we are working on it and things are getting better.
I am thankful for all the ways I am able to express myself and the endless energy I seem to have when I do.
I am thankful for my church family and the amazing group of people I get to work with and all the things the Lord is working out through the church. I am glad to be a part of it.
I closing I am thankful for holidays where pumpkin pies and cranberries are featured.

Personal Prophesy

2008-11-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

The first personal prophesy I received was as a new believer when I lived in Florida. It was from Isaiah 19, the prophesy concerning Egypt. Since I had just come out of the occult new age, it was clear that Egypt was a perfect symbol for my past. When I read anything concerning Egypt, my ears perk up.

Isaiah 19: 19- 25
19 In that day there will be an altar to the LORD in the heart of Egypt, and a monument to the LORD at its border. 20 It will be a sign and witness to the LORD Almighty in the land of Egypt. When they cry out to the LORD because of their oppressors, he will send them a savior and defender, and he will rescue them. 21 So the LORD will make himself known to the Egyptians, and in that day they will acknowledge the LORD. They will worship with sacrifices and grain offerings; they will make vows to the LORD and keep them. 22 The LORD will strike Egypt with a plague; he will strike them and heal them. They will turn to the LORD, and he will respond to their pleas and heal them.

23 In that day there will be a highway from Egypt to Assyria. The Assyrians will go to Egypt and the Egyptians to Assyria. The Egyptians and Assyrians will worship together. 24 In that day Israel will be the third, along with Egypt and Assyria, a blessing on the earth. 25 The LORD Almighty will bless them, saying, "Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance."

What stood out then was the striking and the healing.

“The LORD will strike Egypt with a plague; he will strike them and heal them. They will turn to the LORD, and he will respond to their pleas and heal them.”

So even in the beginning of my faith walk, the Lord made it clear to me that these things would transpire. I did not have details. Today what stands out is:

The LORD Almighty will bless them, saying, "Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance."

I am ready for the blessing.

My Mom Wrote... My Dad Too

2008-11-18T16:05:00.000-08:00

She said... the day you were born was cold and the snow was falling. She made me cry. I love her so much.

I had a birthday today. I took off work to go to the doctor, had lunch and then a visit to my lawyer. The crazy way my bosses give personal days makes this option make the most sense. The highlight of day was of course lunch with Brenda. She is an artist friend from UTD and of course we talked art. She is also the director of worship arts at Christ’s Church in Plano. Since they are a liturgical church much of the work involves organizing 280 volunteers a month. So we talked software. She uses a program she really likes. We talked about some of her projects art wise she is involved in and a class she teaches. I plan to write about her Flag project .

She wants me to try to put a class together for the one she teaches. There are so many thing like that I want to do.

I have to have more tests next weeks, not looking forward to that. The trip to my lawyer was emotional. He asks a lot do questions… knows the implications behind events in the past. Just shakes his head as to why mediation was not pursued. The only thing I am pursuing is my landlord who still has not given me my deposit back, it is cut and dry. He broke the law. Today was a milestone and a closed chapter of my life, a little formality known as a will. It wasn’t as difficult as the divorce, but it was emotional.

Today was a beautiful day. Brenda and I ate on the patio and stayed to talk. She always blesses me. She is like gold. I have a peace about me and am resolutely looking to the future.

Isaish 43: 18 - 19

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.”

My Dad's email...
yep it has shown up on our calendar again. little ruth's birthday. i suppose you have gotten our card and note, but i just wanted to re-enforce that with this e-mail. your mother and i have finished our devotions, and as we were talking and praying you were in our midst. november 18, 1955 the big day you came into our family with some of the wrinkles which faded away and you became a squirmy little peach, and you became an instant hit in my existence we fondled and kept you close for all your formative years. then you crept away, but we never lost you. we often wondered how things were going with you but kept a good relationship with you. i have many good remembrances, and some sorrows,but today i have peace for i know that in spite of all the turmoil of the recent year you are been Hanging in there, and thats good. i trust you will continue to 'KNOW WHOM YOU HAVE BELIEVED,A ND KNOW THAT 'HE IS ABLE ' have a blessed day-----IN CHRIST--- you are LOVED! your father

Praise Offering

2008-11-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Reading Isaiah 12 this morning… again a reoccurring theme. That is a clue that God is speaking to me. Sean got a job yesterday. No big deal? Not really. After a long series of difficulties surround a prank he and his best friend did months after they graduated from High School and a month after Sean turned 18, it is a real praise. This event has affected his life way more than he ever could have guess when the decision was made to mess with some kids they had been in an on-going confrontation with. Finally this offense is off his record and he can move on. We celebrate.

The night the incident took place was the night before I gave my testimony for a musical presentation at church called High Praises. I was asked to talk about praising God for Deliverance. I based it on the idea of a praise offering.This is a praise offering, this post. My testimony was a praise offering. So is Isaiah 12. The evening I gave the testimony I knew it was warfare. It went like this, "do not give your testimony and Sean will go free. Speak and I will bring you and your family down." When I stepped on the stage to speak I knew I was obeying God and defying the oppression that surrounded the event and my life. The enemy does not want us to praise God.

I have said over the last few months as Sean has been trying to get work that I will praise God when he does. I will make a praise offering. This is it. Interesting. I overslept yesterday so I was delayed in reading Isaiah 12… God’s perfect timing.

Isaiah 12
Songs of Praise

1 In that day you will say:
"I will praise you, O LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.
2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation."
3 With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.
4 In that day you will say:
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.
5 Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.
6 Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

5 minute Testimony Written for High Praises, October 2003

The Thanks Offering is voluntary acts of worship expressing a gratitude to the Lord for healing from illness or deliverance from trouble or death. In my life I have been delivered three times; from Alcoholism, from New Age and from a debilitating illness. The Lord spoke to me recently saying when I had a chance I was to publicly proclaim what He has done in my life as an act of worship and praise. In the language of the Psalms it sounds like this

I will tell of Thy name to my brethren;
In the midst of the assembly I will praise Thee.
For You has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;
Neither have You hidden Your face from him;
But when he cried to You for help, You heard.

As you can see, when John asked me to speak about deliverance I was excited.
I visited my parents recently and they are a wonderful, gentle, peaceful people who love the Lord.. It is hard to understand why they would have a daughter like me. They raised me in the church and loved me and I repaid them with rebellion and sorrow. I became involved in the occult (or secret teachings as they are called) in 6th grade and I spent the next 18 years perusing it’s practices and teaching in the many forms it takes. I experienced a definite personality change. I went from a well adjusted child to an angry, defiant and depressed child, definite signs of the spiritual oppression and bondage. I spent the last ten years as a New Ager, primarily involved with Zen Buddhism and various forms of meditation. I had a spiritual mentor and spent a lot of my time reading and studying world religions. One New Age premise is there is no right or wrong. The goal of mediation is to escape dualism and live above morality as a sort of super spiritual person. A Christian apologetic author once wrote that when dealing with people in the New Age you encounter an enormous amount of spiritual pride. That is true.

Having given Satan a stronghold in my life and as a result of believing there were no moral absolutes I became involved in drugs and alcohol, because there was nothing to really stop me. The Lord used that to humble me. At age 25 I found myself at an AA meeting where I publicly confessed that, “My name is Ruth and I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.” Privately I confronted the fact that in my effort to be spiritual, the best I could do was become addicted. I was heading for divorce and I had alienated just about everyone I knew. I was an angry bitter person. But I was desperate to get my life put back together.
So I made two decisions. I made the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob my higher power. I began to pray for a true teacher someone who I could commit to and follow. I had been going from teaching to teaching in my spiritual quest and I was weary. I needed some direction. The Lord used AA to teach me to call out to Him, to pray daily, to be thankful and to admit when I was wrong and seek forgiveness of Him and others.

On Good Friday, April 5, 1985 while I was at work God chose to revealed Jesus Christ to me through a Radio program. He showed me that Jesus was the True teacher I was looking for. Most important of all He showed me the power that raised Christ from the dead was the power that was keeping me sober one day at a time. I got up from my desk knowing I no longer had to fear death that everything the Bible said about Jesus was true and that I wanted to follow Him. It was 3 o’clock in the afternoon Good Friday, I would soon learn that it was not insignificant in that it was the hour when Jesus cried out His last words, “It is finished.”

The Lord God is a God who delivers. He hears those who call out to Him. But He is bigger than that, He is a God who restores and heals. Twelve years to the day that I took my last drink I became ill and ended up in the ER. The illness left me weak and unable to function normally. It would never be fully diagnosed. The Lord used my illness to teach me that although He can deliver us from our trouble there are consequences for our sin. But He didn’t leave me there. He called me to pray and to live in His presence and He taught me to listen to His voice. He has almost fully restored my health.

It has been 18 years since I meet Jesus Christ on what I call my road to Damascus. He has more that restored my life and marriage. He has called me to serve Him with my whole heart. When I became I believer I had put aside art and my pursuit of it because I was not able to separate my gifts from my New Age beliefs. The call He has given me is to use my gifts and art to glorify Him and to teach and study the His Word. A privilege I hold dear.

I answered that call in March when I went forward in church and although I am only beginning to understand what that means I know that what ever He asks me to do I will do it as a Thanks offering to Him.

I cried out to You in my trouble;
You saved me out of my distress.
You sent Your word and healed me, And delivered me from destruction
Let us give thanks to the Lord for His loving-kindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
Let us offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
And tell of His works with joyful singing.

Saturday, Class and Isaiah

2008-11-08T18:13:00.001-08:00

I meet with my mentee and we were both really glad to connect again after a month. I need to get permission to give her my phone number because there has been too much

miscommunication as we try to get a hold of each other through other people. There was a break through in that both times as we meet and as she left, she came to me to get a hug. Then after that I talked her ear off and she talked mine off. We are planning a outing. We talked about a trip to the Meadows. I want her mom and little sister to come. On my way home as I was driving I decide to do this in December, take them to lunch and make it very special. I am completely excited. She said her mother would love to get out and do something, so would I. But I need to make it after finals.

She told me there was an event today she wanted to go with me to, an all day art event, but she wasn’t able to contact me.

The next class was fun. I had two ladies and then a group of kids who were brother and sisters and cousins. They razzed each other and cut up and I felt like I was in the middle of their family room. Man, I was tired when I got home. Lots of fun. There was a five year old boy, an eight year old boy, a ten year old girl and boy and two thirteen year old girls.

I am fasting again because the occasion seems to call for it and I have renewed strength in doing so. (But I am really wanting to eat black eyed peas w/own beef broth, mashed tat's w/skin on, smoked pork chops, & brownies w/fresh strawberries & whipped cream... SHANNON!)
I digress and I really was going to write something important, but I think I will go to Walmart and buy a video and lunch for next week. I can’t decide

I read from Isaiah this a.m. and I wanted to comment on that. I am reading through Isaiah in my quiet time.

“Then the LORD will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over all the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.” Isaiah 4:5-6

This struck me because of the image. The cloud of smoke and the pillar of fire as reference to the Exodus and wandering. It being a shelter from the storm and a hiding place.

For me these two images, God’s presence and guidance and God’s sheltering and hiding are two very real and powerful images in my life. That is what He has been doing with me. Sometimes I get frustrated with the hiding. When you are in hiding you are isolated, but protected. I know God loves me, but sometimes it seems cruel, although I know it isn’t. I look back and know he protected me.

So I know I have written about this in the Window Text as I call it. So I look it up. I last wrote about the Element of the Cloud. The following note, not even finished text but ideas, is the last thing I wrote.

“These texts give an additional image of the Cloud of God’s presence as a shelter from the heat and the raging of the storm. What the people needed to be reminded of and what we forget in our personal wilderness journeys is that we are not only dependent on the Lord for our provision, water and the manna from heaven, but we are also in reality dependent on the Lord for our very life. Each breath we take is a gift from above. Psalm 22 reminds us that we cannot even keep ourselves alive. It is in times of duress that we see this the most clearly. It is then that the illusion that we are independent and have a sense of contentment and control is removed that we recognize that He is …. a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.”

We Can Talk About the Kids........

2008-11-07T22:56:00.000-08:00

I think being salt and light hangs in the balance when we find ourselves in conflict. I am basically shy by temperament, as a child extremely shy. Painfully shy. I learned as an adult to use my imagination, something I have a lot of to overcome a lot of my shyness. When I get in situations where there are a lot of unknowns it comes back to me. Using my imagination helps with the unknown. Let’s say I go to a dinner at church, I am new and I don’t know anyone. I can go and sit with complete strangers and imagine I know them. It is helpful if they remind me of someone. I can pretend like I am not shy and imagine myself as a person who isn’t. It just works. It gets me through the rough stuff which for me is being taken out of the familiar and starting over. I have had four major moves where I have had to start completely over. All of the moves without the benefit of a job to help establish contacts and make friends. Each time we moved I knew no one, where as my ex had contacts, they being one reason we were there. Friends hire friends and co-workers bring coworkers along. All this to say, I am basically a shy person who does not like new situations or conflict. But like I learned to deal with new situations I am learning to deal with conflict. No easy task for me.
My usually response to conflict is to leave a situation or if I cannot to shut down emotionally. Since the divorce I have learned that when I shut down there is a reason and I have learned to address the reasons the best I can. I have come a long way. Writing this journal has been good for me in that I have been addressing issues and event from my past that in the past would cause me to shut down. The more I “get it out” the better I feel. The more I address problems the less I need to shut down. The more I deal with the uncomfortable the more confident I feel. So life goes on and I get better. In doing so I want other people to have the same liberation I have seen happen. I don’t want people to settle for status quo, especially if the status quo is toxic.
Scott and I have learned to address lots of issues together. It wasn’t easy at first, but it is more so now. We expect it, that is when there is conflict to resolve it and move on. We are really close. Sean is just more easy going and I have always been able to talk to him. We have something called fitness. Our relationship fits, Scott and I have to work on it… but then we are more alike in some ways, artistically. Scott doesn’t have a shy bone in his body. Man, I just love my kids and we just keep going on and slowly life gets better. I am grateful for this time together. Priceless.

****
Sisters

Mary,
I am sorry that you had the problem with your friend and she decided in a cruel way to end the friendship. I know it is painful and I will not say what people said to me when I lost so many friends at church, “she just wasn’t a real friend.” Well if she wasn’t why do you feel grief and pain? Something real has been lost.

You always affirm me. I can’t tell you what it meant to me when my world fell apart to not have to explain much to you because you know me so well. You probably explained some things to me. That is what happens when you know someone, you can see what we can’t. You never hesitate to tell me. I trust you in that. In fact today after I got your email about the assignment you are doing with your life coach and I thought about us I realized I trust you more than anyone in the world. I trust you with myself. Like I wrote in the blog a few days ago, I trust you with the difficult things. I mean the DIFFICULT things. And you have never disappointed me in that. We have been through a lot haven’t we?

I trust you to say what you think. I love how you always defend me and believe in me. I love that I have always been important to you, that you are always there. When I lost all my friends, you stood by my side. When I was in so much pain, you knew my pain… it didn’t cause you to run.

Then I love your sense of humor and your way with words. I love your playfulness and your imagination. Of all the things I want for you besides complete healing is for you to write. I want to see you find your voice and then your wings and I want to see you take off and do more with the written word than you ever saw coming. You are so much better at it than me.

In the past I have seen you dragged down and defeated, almost. But I don’t see that anymore. I would like to see you write about why that is. What happened? I want to know how you look at death and life. I want to know about your walk with the Lord. See, I want you to write because I want to know more about you. Maybe you don’t even know this, the change; maybe I see it like you see things in me. I tell you it is there, this change of mind and spirit. It is full of life and it needs to be out there, or I think it does.

BTW, I posted this because I want people to know how we are. And thanks for all……… too much to say.

Ruth

Living with Cancer

2008-11-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile my sister will write about her cancer. I always feel I need to respond. She usually corrects my thinking, which is OK. I am not the one who has been asked to carry this burden, but I do like to remind her I carry it with her, in prayer and just plain old love. You have to understand how close we were, how close we are. She is so much a part of me.

When I knew I was an alcoholic and I needed help, I didn't want to tell my parents. Mary went to them and did what I could not do.

When my marriage went south and my ex called my parents and used the "d" word before I was even close to that decision and my mom became upset with me for a year, Mary, kept talking to mom until she understood what was going on. I could not have done it myself.

Here is her recent post.

Happy Dance
I'm celebrating. It's November 1st and I made it thru the entire month of October without getting sick! First time in 4 years (yes, count 'em, 4), that I have not had a virus in October. This is a big deal for me. 3 years ago I when I caught a virus I was sick for about 3 days. 2 years ago when I caught one I was sick for 3 weeks. Last year when I caught one I was sick for 6 weeks (honestly, 3 weeks in October, 3 weeks in November). This year: zero days, zero weeks! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!
October's been a rough month all around for more than the last 4 years. 7 years ago this October I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). Talk about a kick in the pants. Sept. 11, 2001, well, we all know what happened on that day, the next day was my first (and unfortunately not my last) visit to an oncologist. Three weeks later, I got my diagnosis.
Since CLL is a chronic cancer, they don't treat it until it becomes totally necessary to. Chronic cancers grow much slower than acute cancers which makes it harder to kill those nasty cancer cells. So, it was kind of weird to be told you have cancer, but they're not going to do anything about it. I'm on what's called watch and wait (or as some people refer to it: wait and worry). It takes some getting used to.
One of the downsides of having CLL is that my blood counts are flip flopped. My white cell count it high and my red blood count, while it's normal, it's on the low end of normal. And since my white count is up, I'm more at risk to catching things, like viruses. In the last couple of years I feel like I've been one big virus magnet, I seem to catch them at the drop of a hat. That's why it's such a big deal for me that I made it thru this past month without catching one.
So, happy dance, happy dance and in the words of Ren and Stimpy - Happy, happy, joy, joy!

*********

I have a friend who I love, him and his wife who is suffering at the moment with cancer. TJ has helped me so often deal with Mary's cancer as we haved talked and he shared about himself. I could talk to him and Janet about it because they walk the same path.

Of all the things I missed, that I regret is not getting to serve with TJ and Janet more. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, UNFAIR. I have protested this the most of everthing that has happened. I loved being on a team with them. This is the reason, the post above me and then if you know them, you'll know why I write these words I write. Because I know you understand how I feel and feel it with me.

The Way of the Cross

2008-11-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

I have been reading through the book of Mark in my quiet time for the last few weeks. The last few days concerned the betrayal, trial, crucifixion, death and finally today the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I guess since I often read the story during the season of lent, it seemed slightly out of place, not that it is ever inappropriate to remember Christ’s suffering. It probably doesn’t occur in the liturgical calendar in November. I do not go to a liturgical church, although I have. Today we had a taste of the liturgical reinvented in a very beautiful mix of candle light and quiet, music, scripture and prayer as we “walked” through the stations of the cross before communion. Powerful? yes. Beautiful? deeply. Memorable? I hope to remember it.

We were asked to bring some burden to the cross which was in the center of the stage area draped in purple cloth, illuminated by dozens of candles. The stage is where the pastor usually preaches and the band plays. Those elements were removes as distractions to worship and were placed in the back of the church. We faced the front of the church and followed along in song and prayer. With the assistance of PowerPoint images and the text we were able to join in corporate prayer. The scripture was read and interpreted in Jesus’ voice. Jesus spoke. The thoughts of Christ were read by our worship leader and written by him too, I believe. Through the mind of Christ he asked the congregation very powerful questions and we were given a time of response as we came forward for communion, a practice we are familiar with. We also placed our written burdens in a basket before we took the elements.

We experienced the scriptures today as we celebrated our union as the body of Christ. We were asked to become one with our Lord and position ourselves to be used by Him. We were given a chance to worship without distractions.

As we participated I remembered a friend and fellow Bible study teacher whom at one time co-taught classes with. We particularly concentrated on making the scriptures real through the use of symbolism, hopefully giving richer meaning to contact with the scriptures. She assisted me the first time I lead a mini prayer retreat and as I sat there today I remembered a story of reconciliation that took place at that first retreat. My friend had us all (about 14) drape ourselves in black cloth symbolizing our sin. We went forward and knelt before the cross which was draped in red and prayed a prayer of confession. Then we place our black cloth are the foot of the cross and left it there. One of the ladies attending came to my friend and confessed bitterness towards her from a situation years before. These ladies were leadership and they then prayed and cried together. It was a powerful thing for leadership to be releases from unforgiveness and find unity. No small thing.

I am waiting for other stories to be told about today. This is mine.

Need More Sleep

2008-10-30T21:58:00.001-07:00

I am too tired to write a poem, too tired to write. I am had an exhausting week, the test in Child Development is hard, so much memory work, like 20 pages, I wrote for 2 and a half hours, then I couldn’t sleep, then I woke up early and could only lay there.
I don’t understand anything; I just keep doing what I think I should do. I cleaned house tonight that means I am stressed.
I walked at lunch today. I danced tonight.
I have pansies to plant in the front flower garden this weekend. I need to replace the soil, black clay with some top soil.
Scott is in Seattle, Sean and I will clean while he is gone, so it stays cleaned for awhile. I want to work on the wall and finish up two papers on mentoring.
I have a short story critiques to do and I have to write a reaction to a short story, saunders who I don’t really like but I waited and that is the choice.
Good Night.

Album: Tell Me What You Know (2007) Sara Groves

2008-10-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able
You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself It's been a while since i felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since Ifelt this
But it feels like it might be hope

Saw her on Saturday….. one of my favorites. It has been the first time in a long time I have had a song in my heart, but it is there.

My Multiple Personalities

2008-10-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

I Always Wanted to be Martha Stewart

Beat Poet

Pirate FUN!

Bad

Black Listed

Mum the anti-Drug

College Student

Hollywood

Drama Queen

Photographer

Ole and OK

Miss Congeniality

Author, Author

Mum

Art History Major (and Drama Queen)

There is a debate, should Christians celebrate Halloween? I am going to, by posting my multiple personalities I have come up with over the years. It is too much fun. So if Halloween means dressing in costumes, having a party and eating food and candy. Go for it. But if you plan to become an occultist I highly suggest you don’t. I pray you have the discernment to know the difference and why one is a non-issues and why one is dangerous. If you can’t tell the difference refrain from it all. This is a former new ager speaking. Please go to a Fall Festival they are all over town.

I Shall Be Released

2008-10-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

It’s past one and I am trying to settle down to sleep. I need to write first. I have fasted almost every weekend since January. This weekend I tried, but just couldn’t I am at the end of myself and I just need to eat. But I am telling you the Lord spoke to me more this weekend than in the last ten months. I may not sleep tonight at all. I think I need to try to write it down. That is how it is when He speaks, at least to me. I know I am supposed to try.

I went to the shelter and my mentee wasn’t there. Miscommunication. I dunno. I decided to teach an open class. I wasn’t going to because I have a lot to do (which I have not done) The Chaplain in charge rounds up a group of people. Two ladies, a 12 year old boy and three young women, two babies, a two year old and two on the way. We had the best class. So much so I stayed two hours instead of one. I lost track on time COMPLETELY. Very weird.

I figured out a whole lot about what I need to do with the class. The open class needs to be limited to 6 plus the babies and little ones. I can handle that. I have dreaded the open classes, even though I wanted to do them. Today was very cool. So now I know. We did collage and I will have to post them. Later.

I meet a lady I will call Princess. She just moved from Indiana, really Chicago. She gave me the same message the lady I talked to about a month ago. The same message I got from my small group discussion, about listening to God’s voice and obeying. God told her to move to Texas. What was neat about her is she came and she expects things to fall in place, get a job and a place to stay and watch God use her. She said she knows she is positioning herself to be used. She just needs to listen to his voice. In group on Thursday we talked about Abraham waiting for the promise, how he knew he heard God’s voice, but then there was a 25 year wait. So long that Abraham doubted and messed up. But God was consistent and kept sending the message.

I know God’s voice.

When I meet these young with little ones and then pregnant too, my heart just goes out to them. And I want to do something to help them to be able to survive. I struggle being a single mom and my kids are older and I have a job, an education on the way and I have people who support me, I have a church family and I know God is leading me. So I ask myself what can I do. I know that is the first step.

I know God never wastes a hurt. Because of what has happened to me the last 4 years, I know some of their pain, their struggles.

Princess left a home in Indiana, now lives in a shelter, listening to God. She does a collage of Sudan. She tells me, “There is so much suffering and not enough people trying to help.” I am not sure I can explain what that does to me. Being there, loving these people God has placed in my path.

I go to the concert tonight Art, Music and Justice with Sara Groves, Brandon Heath, Derek Webb, Sandra McCracken and Charlie Peacock. They talked about world Hunger and Social Justice and promoted two organizations that deal with them. It was the same thing. I have to ask, what do You want me to do? I think about my vision that God gave me about the hurting woman and I know these emotions I am feeling are from him, this stirring in my heart and I think He is positioning me. There was a song about a prayer to ask God to open our eyes to see what He sees. And I see mothers of young children, who need a hand and a hug and encouraging words.

Sara Groves said something else that really hit me and it was to become the voice of the voiceless. And I thought wow, I could do that. It was in the context of giving the gospel legs and impacting the oppressed for God. The verse they used in context for me.........

Isaiah 58.
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

2008-10-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

Just a brief debriefing as I wind down after class. I used to refer to this as therapy, when school messed with my mind and I needed to reorient my thoughts and emotions. School can mess with your mind so it is best to take care. I guess I am just getting used to UTD and college talk. You, know. I really like the kids. Anyway, tonight was child development class, how emotions develop, how children learn to regulate them, temperment and attachment. It was all fascinating… like when babies learn to smile and how they learn emotions from parents. Makes me think of when my kids were little. My sister told me you can’t spoil a baby. That is what my teacher says too. Love them to death. I had hip babies, if they wanted held, they got held. I learned to do everything with one hand. Last time we learned the best way to increase a child’s intelligence is while they are young and their synapses are connecting to hold them and talk with them. Babies love people especially their moms. There is so much a mom can do to nurture a child. It’s been too cool to study this.

On a different note. Sometimes you hear something and it just helps you a lot. So I have been thinking about what was said and asking those questions… where do those thoughts come from? I usually know, that’s a no brainer. So I do have a choice. Who am I going to listen to? My Father. I got a lot of comfort from that.

My favorite picture. I will have to scan a few of my baby ones.

(hint, hint.... hiking)

Plausiblity and Dialogue

2008-10-21T22:28:00.001-07:00

“We learned about dialogue today in class.” Samantha told her new friend Lindsey.
“Duh, I know I was there, silly lady. You sit next to me and we melded our stories together. Remember we sat next to each other at DFW and you asked me the annoying ‘mom’ questions. But, you know me I like attention and you are a good listener. So we talked about school.”
“Yea, that’s right.” Samantha admitted. “You got HIV, but we all decide it wasn’t plausible. REWRITE.”
“I don’t mind.” Lindsey said “Because I am a writer and that is what I do. And may I remind you, you didn’t know the name of the gallery your first show was in or WHAT YOU TOOK PHOTOS of.” Lindsey smiled. “Gotya!”

Counting

2008-10-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

If I pour out my complaint
there are more stars than I can count
and yet
there is more of your love
than measure
while the shadows dance
outside my window.
Prayer changes me
Music lifts
so I turn and tune in
listen for the faint Breathe
that opens the universe
bends the shape of things
unsaid
there is a plan
He lets me in

Lost In the Neighborhood

2008-10-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

He didn’t give the address
I am lost in the neighborhood
With just a mapquest
Which doesn’t always tell the truth about
The whereabouts of anyone else
You leave your info uploaded on your iphone
I reoriented again, I remember when
There wasn’t any distance
And I phone beneath the tree lined streets
Everybody’s out
My front door is unlocked so
Another son can dry his clothes at the house
He meets me on the front step instead
wants a hug
while a new blond friend tells her mom we’ve bonded
I watch her carefully through the lens
While all the pretty girls faces hurt from smiling
I slip into my place and still am out of place
But trying
Still this pain inside
While all the pretty girl’s faces hurt from smiling
Still this pain inside

Fasting Today

2008-10-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am doing shorter fasts because I have been at this awhile, since January and my body I think needs me to pull back. So I have shortened the time. I think also the time for fasting may be at an end. When you seek guidance and God speaks, then you know what to do, you just do it, not seek for more guidance.

Knowing what to do doesn’t necessarily mean having answers. Daily we chose between living for God or for our own comfort. When I was relieved of my ministry and asked to step down the temptation to live for self increased. When I was not allowed to serve, I prayed instead. When I was asked to leave I stopped praying for my church. My focus became to love those around me the best I could. I accepted that serving in a church was not appropriate for a time.

My flesh would love to just concern myself with myself, to find a job where I could be comfortable, to get through school and use my spare time on my interests. As an artist there is always the temptation to self promote, really if one chooses to live by your art, self promotion is essential. As long as doors remain closed for me I have no choice but to live a life of minimal involvement, little service. I have been seen as unusable by God for whatever reason, and that assessment of me is the one I have rebelled against. It is the one thing I long for God to change.
It would be so easy, so easy to seek comfort and success artistically. In doing so it doesn’t even matter if I succeed, there is satisfaction in the seeking. But if I choose to seek to serve then there are certain things I need to let go of in order to do so. The first thing is the assessment of me as unusable by God. Also I need to let go of the mindset that I should hold back because I am a liability to people. I need to ask, am I a liability to God and to his kingdom work? And if I am, what can I do to change that. I need to ask Him, what can I do for you?

Reflections on Mentoring and Being Mentored

2008-10-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about mentoring a lot this week. There are several reasons for this. First I am writing two papers; overviews of articles about research done on the effectiveness of mentoring. Secondly, I am in a mentoring relationship and I would like to be more deliberate in what I do.

There was some good news for me; I am intuitively doing what the researchers suggest. One of the big factors in successful mentoring is enjoying the relationship. Another is having things in common. So my love of art and my mentee's desire to have an art teacher makes us a mentor/ mentee relationship positioned for success. The fact that we have continued for over 3 months and have committed to continue is another mark of success. We have done some goal setting, portfolio work to help my mentee apply to the Arts Magnet school. Having the deadline pass and having to wait until next year, we have drifted into another focus. It is one that Tara identified for me. Since art class is so structured she wants to explore and experiment with different processes and medium. That leads to another measure of success, the mentor enabling the mentee to be exposed to experiences that they would not have available to them expect through the mentor. Another objective which I have not acted on but have considered is helping Tara connect to the arts community in Dallas. That would mean going to shows and exhibits. I would like to plan an outing outside the center sometime next month and plan to seek permission to do that. It may not be allowed. I don’t know. So reading this week has been very encouraging to me, but also challenging to me. It helps me see that what I am doing has the potential to shape Tara’s view of her world to one where she sees there are people who care for her and want to see her succeed. She tends to pull away because the people she comes into contact are so transient. She fears attachment. That makes me want to take care to be faithful to the relationship by being consistent and communicating her worth as a person. I want to continue to take an interest in her art and its development because it is important to her. Really examining this relationship this week makes me kind of amazed at how God brought us together and hopeful in what He can accomplish thought it. I know that I am equally blessed by the relationship.

Another relationship that has come to the forefront this week is my relationship to Suzy, my Spiritual mentor from California. She contacted me about her daughter. Christy had surgery this week to have a tumor remove from her female organs. We still do not know the lab results but the doctors do not think it is cancerous. Also she did not have to have a hysterectomy. That is a praise, because Christy is only 30.

Suzy and I have walked through so many crisises together. I love that she is still very much in my life after all these years. My boys were young when she was my neighbor. She really took me under her wing and helped me with parenting skills. She loves Sean and Scott and it was very apparent in her interaction with them. (Lots of pop cycles, there is a story with that.) When I was reading this week about mentoring I also thought of Suzy. I want to address this because of what my ex said about her. He told his counselor and others that I never allowed him to be the spiritual leader. He cited Suzy among other as people whom I depended on instead of him. Like my doing so robbed him of something. The truth is my consistent prayer was for him to lead. My relationship with Suzy enhanced my ability to communicate and love him in practical ways. That was the nature of her response when I got up the courage to share just a little of my struggles with her when we spent time together as friends and neighbors. She used to encourage me to talk to my ex about the problems we were having. She was a Titus 2 woman for sure. It bothers me that my ex would twist that relationship when in truth he benefited from it. I wanted to write this publically because she has been spoken about publically and it is a shame.

What transpired in our relationship was this. I was strong in Bible study, she was strong in prayer. I learned to really pray. She was encouraged to use God’s word to discern truth. She had numerous family member involved in Christian cults and things they taught she rejected but they were very confusing to her. I was able to help her. She was the first person besides my parents to really love me unconditionally. It made a huge impact on me. It still does.