perplexed

I am tired, near exhaustion. It is physical, mental and emotional.

verb
1. to cause to be puzzled or bewildered over what is not understood or certain; confuse mentally
2. to make complicated or confused, as a matter or question.
3. to hamper with complications, confusion, or uncertainty.
Synonyms:
1. mystify, confound. 2. tangle, snarl. 3. vex, annoy, bother.

John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

Rest.

The wisdom of forgiveness

You can’t really understand forgiveness and what it cost until you have been given a very good reason not to forgive. People can do things that really shouldn’t be forgiven. They can do it in a way that shows they don’t have a clue as to why they need forgiveness. Most of the time they go merrily on their way seemingly unaffected and you are left holding the emotional baggage. Thinking… “what the heck was that all about… why did this person feel the need to ------- fill in the blank.”
We are in need of extending forgiveness because we shouldn’t be left holding the bag. Let it go. Easier said than done, believe me I know, but oh so worth it.

Forgiveness costs us. It cost us our comfort zone. I am comfortable living in the past remembering the bad things people have done. Maybe it makes us feel superior to people. See how rotten they are. Maybe it makes us feel important. Maybe we just can’t ignore the hurt that is caused as we remember a hurt. I have a friend whose husband asked for a divorce on Christmas day. That is what he wanted for Christmas. She has never told me, but I can imagine there is never a Christmas where there is at least the potential for reliving the pain of that day. All you need for that trigger is Christmas day.

Forgiveness costs us facing the pain, but doing it in a new way. Seeing it for what it is and choosing to let it go. There is a need for the supernatural element of prayer here. I do not believe we forgive naturally. It is against our nature. We forgive supernaturally, trusting that God will continue to do the good work in us.

Forgiveness costs us our comfort zone because it demands that we look at ourselves and see our part in the situation. It may mean admitting we are wrong too and in need of forgiveness ourselves. It costs us the discomfort of seeking reconciliation where possible. Reconciliation isn’t always possible, but one should be willing to allow God to work. If we are willing God will work.

When I was younger I was in a recovery group and we were studying the steps on making amends, just being willing to do what is needed on our part to make things right. Someone told how they owed someone money and had never intended to pay the person back. In their step study they became willing to pay back the money. They had not seen the person in years and didn’t know where the person lived. That week they stopped at a rest stop on I-95 and ran into the other man. My friend told the man he was in recovery and needed to make amends. He gave the money to the man he owed and asked for forgiveness.

That is being willing to make things right and God working. We all need that.

What forgiveness gives in return is a closer relationship to God and perhaps the other person. We are free from the burden that was not ours to carry. It allows God, not us, to discipline the person if they continue to sin. If in being forgiven the person changes his ways than we have been a witness for the Lord or have turned another brother from his sin. All reasons to rejoice. Nothing good comes from us setting ourselves up as judge. We stop the work of God in our lives and do not allow the Holy Spirit to work in the situation. We give non-believers an inaccurate picture of God.

But if we forgive… we set in motivation the Spirit of God to work.

In that God will bless.

From My Sister's Kitchen Window You Can See the Foot Hills

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

From my sister's kitchen window you can see the foothills of northern Alabama. When it rains the mist and clouds float over them in the most beautiful mysterious way. It is easy to imagine God is there breathing LIFE into life.

This Psalm became her Psalm when she was diagnoised with cancer. It will always be her Psalm in my mind. I have learned a lot about living with cancer from her.

I have learned a lot about living with cancer from my friend TJ who helps me understand my sister better. TJ wrote me last month to tell me he hasn't forgotten me. That is good to know.

Live life now the best you can. Breathe. Love. Learn.

forgiven...

Algebra Class Haiku

pink petals
a top
the puddle

rap
drowning out
the rain

the growing distance
between us
is all I have left

When Sunflower Bloom

that
yellow leaf
falls in my path

if I could
walk on
the golden water

fishing
up to
their knees

locust
shaken
in the tree line


I don't know if this is good haiku, maybe it resonates with you. It is the bike ride I took midsummer.

Out of Breath Under the Stars

Out of breath under the Stars are many thoughts and those that rise to the top of this stream of consciousness get out and we walk around it, observing the nuances… the stars twinkle and I think I see a satellite move across the sky. I ask why. I ask but first I confess to just not wanting to. I hurt. And I don’t want to hurt. But I see in me something raw and misplaced and I know it won’t make things easier for anyone. You… me… So I say I am sorry for saying no I won’t, I can’t. That is when the softness of the night floods through to the back of my mind to the top of my head to my toes. We touch me and you. You speak. You guide. You say it is easy; speak kind words, do good. I forget I struggle with trust and am drawn in to this plan spoken softly beneath the stars to me. I feel loved. Not hard. But gentle. I want to be like him. More. I want to let him fill me up instead of my plans and hopes. Let go of the harsh night with the fear of more than I can handle or want. It scares me to want anything.

Psalm 71