maybe a bit cryptic…

I have been tired all day, most of it emotional. I ended up where I needed to be and heard some things I needed to hear, how’s that for anonymity?

I am grateful for my counselor and amazed at how awful I feel, but also know how far I have come and if I ever had any doubts about decisions I made I should just drop them.

Sometimes you do things and you are not sure if they are a good choice and you just take a leap. I am not sure it is a leap of faith, or just a leap but I am glad I tried to be honest about my feelings. It is a scary thing for me.

This may be a bit cryptic… but then there is the anonymity thing and there is all that has hit me. Like I have these struggles surface big time and I am reeling and I tell someone, so far so good. There are other steps, so to speak, like asking God to remove the struggles I have inside. It was big for me to be able to identify the struggle, separate it out and not let it color everything else, although I am exhausted from trying, I have been able to. I have been able to confess it to someone, able to get it out, able to not make decisions based on it. Whew!

I am looking forward to praying for God to help remove the things I struggle with, I am excited because I think He will. I am excited about what He is going to do inside me. I am thankful for those around me that love me in my struggle, because part of it is not believing I am loved and they love anyway even though I can only grasp it for short periods of time. And After the struggle resurfaced I am amazed I can feel love at all.

Something that goes along with this, because it is a trust thing, I have decided that I am in good enough a place to start allowing friendships at work and at church. I have decided although I have lots of disappointments in the area of friendship, I have granted forgiveness and feel I can embrace people again. At work I have an opportunity to do that, I work with a great group of people. Same is true of my church. And I am acting on it too. I have decided that I have been a good friend in the past and I can continue that despite the loss I have suffered. This is huge for me. I am not basing my future on what people decided. I was a good friend, I loved people and that is what I am determined to do again. I have spent enough time isolating myself. An old friend who has recently renewed a friendship with me told me today…

And like I tell my kids -- you can't control someone else’s reactions - you can only control your actions.

So even though I hurt, I am not making decisions based on that hurt, I am choosing to love. And it isn’t just talk, its tested.