We Can Talk About the Kids........

I think being salt and light hangs in the balance when we find ourselves in conflict. I am basically shy by temperament, as a child extremely shy. Painfully shy. I learned as an adult to use my imagination, something I have a lot of to overcome a lot of my shyness. When I get in situations where there are a lot of unknowns it comes back to me. Using my imagination helps with the unknown. Let’s say I go to a dinner at church, I am new and I don’t know anyone. I can go and sit with complete strangers and imagine I know them. It is helpful if they remind me of someone. I can pretend like I am not shy and imagine myself as a person who isn’t. It just works. It gets me through the rough stuff which for me is being taken out of the familiar and starting over. I have had four major moves where I have had to start completely over. All of the moves without the benefit of a job to help establish contacts and make friends. Each time we moved I knew no one, where as my ex had contacts, they being one reason we were there. Friends hire friends and co-workers bring coworkers along. All this to say, I am basically a shy person who does not like new situations or conflict. But like I learned to deal with new situations I am learning to deal with conflict. No easy task for me.
My usually response to conflict is to leave a situation or if I cannot to shut down emotionally. Since the divorce I have learned that when I shut down there is a reason and I have learned to address the reasons the best I can. I have come a long way. Writing this journal has been good for me in that I have been addressing issues and event from my past that in the past would cause me to shut down. The more I “get it out” the better I feel. The more I address problems the less I need to shut down. The more I deal with the uncomfortable the more confident I feel. So life goes on and I get better. In doing so I want other people to have the same liberation I have seen happen. I don’t want people to settle for status quo, especially if the status quo is toxic.
Scott and I have learned to address lots of issues together. It wasn’t easy at first, but it is more so now. We expect it, that is when there is conflict to resolve it and move on. We are really close. Sean is just more easy going and I have always been able to talk to him. We have something called fitness. Our relationship fits, Scott and I have to work on it… but then we are more alike in some ways, artistically. Scott doesn’t have a shy bone in his body. Man, I just love my kids and we just keep going on and slowly life gets better. I am grateful for this time together. Priceless.

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Sisters

Mary,
I am sorry that you had the problem with your friend and she decided in a cruel way to end the friendship. I know it is painful and I will not say what people said to me when I lost so many friends at church, “she just wasn’t a real friend.” Well if she wasn’t why do you feel grief and pain? Something real has been lost.

You always affirm me. I can’t tell you what it meant to me when my world fell apart to not have to explain much to you because you know me so well. You probably explained some things to me. That is what happens when you know someone, you can see what we can’t. You never hesitate to tell me. I trust you in that. In fact today after I got your email about the assignment you are doing with your life coach and I thought about us I realized I trust you more than anyone in the world. I trust you with myself. Like I wrote in the blog a few days ago, I trust you with the difficult things. I mean the DIFFICULT things. And you have never disappointed me in that. We have been through a lot haven’t we?

I trust you to say what you think. I love how you always defend me and believe in me. I love that I have always been important to you, that you are always there. When I lost all my friends, you stood by my side. When I was in so much pain, you knew my pain… it didn’t cause you to run.

Then I love your sense of humor and your way with words. I love your playfulness and your imagination. Of all the things I want for you besides complete healing is for you to write. I want to see you find your voice and then your wings and I want to see you take off and do more with the written word than you ever saw coming. You are so much better at it than me.

In the past I have seen you dragged down and defeated, almost. But I don’t see that anymore. I would like to see you write about why that is. What happened? I want to know how you look at death and life. I want to know about your walk with the Lord. See, I want you to write because I want to know more about you. Maybe you don’t even know this, the change; maybe I see it like you see things in me. I tell you it is there, this change of mind and spirit. It is full of life and it needs to be out there, or I think it does.

BTW, I posted this because I want people to know how we are. And thanks for all……… too much to say.

Ruth