Need More Sleep

I am too tired to write a poem, too tired to write. I am had an exhausting week, the test in Child Development is hard, so much memory work, like 20 pages, I wrote for 2 and a half hours, then I couldn’t sleep, then I woke up early and could only lay there.
I don’t understand anything; I just keep doing what I think I should do. I cleaned house tonight that means I am stressed.
I walked at lunch today. I danced tonight.
I have pansies to plant in the front flower garden this weekend. I need to replace the soil, black clay with some top soil.
Scott is in Seattle, Sean and I will clean while he is gone, so it stays cleaned for awhile. I want to work on the wall and finish up two papers on mentoring.
I have a short story critiques to do and I have to write a reaction to a short story, saunders who I don’t really like but I waited and that is the choice.
Good Night.

Album: Tell Me What You Know (2007) Sara Groves

You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able
You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself It's been a while since i felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since Ifelt this
But it feels like it might be hope


Saw her on Saturday….. one of my favorites. It has been the first time in a long time I have had a song in my heart, but it is there.

My Multiple Personalities

I Always Wanted to be Martha Stewart

Beat Poet

Pirate FUN!

Bad



Black Listed


Mum the anti-Drug

College Student

Hollywood

Drama Queen

Photographer

Ole and OK

Miss Congeniality

Author, Author

Mum

Art History Major (and Drama Queen)

There is a debate, should Christians celebrate Halloween? I am going to, by posting my multiple personalities I have come up with over the years. It is too much fun. So if Halloween means dressing in costumes, having a party and eating food and candy. Go for it. But if you plan to become an occultist I highly suggest you don’t. I pray you have the discernment to know the difference and why one is a non-issues and why one is dangerous. If you can’t tell the difference refrain from it all. This is a former new ager speaking. Please go to a Fall Festival they are all over town.

I Shall Be Released

It’s past one and I am trying to settle down to sleep. I need to write first. I have fasted almost every weekend since January. This weekend I tried, but just couldn’t I am at the end of myself and I just need to eat. But I am telling you the Lord spoke to me more this weekend than in the last ten months. I may not sleep tonight at all. I think I need to try to write it down. That is how it is when He speaks, at least to me. I know I am supposed to try.

I went to the shelter and my mentee wasn’t there. Miscommunication. I dunno. I decided to teach an open class. I wasn’t going to because I have a lot to do (which I have not done) The Chaplain in charge rounds up a group of people. Two ladies, a 12 year old boy and three young women, two babies, a two year old and two on the way. We had the best class. So much so I stayed two hours instead of one. I lost track on time COMPLETELY. Very weird.

I figured out a whole lot about what I need to do with the class. The open class needs to be limited to 6 plus the babies and little ones. I can handle that. I have dreaded the open classes, even though I wanted to do them. Today was very cool. So now I know. We did collage and I will have to post them. Later.

I meet a lady I will call Princess. She just moved from Indiana, really Chicago. She gave me the same message the lady I talked to about a month ago. The same message I got from my small group discussion, about listening to God’s voice and obeying. God told her to move to Texas. What was neat about her is she came and she expects things to fall in place, get a job and a place to stay and watch God use her. She said she knows she is positioning herself to be used. She just needs to listen to his voice. In group on Thursday we talked about Abraham waiting for the promise, how he knew he heard God’s voice, but then there was a 25 year wait. So long that Abraham doubted and messed up. But God was consistent and kept sending the message.

I know God’s voice.

When I meet these young with little ones and then pregnant too, my heart just goes out to them. And I want to do something to help them to be able to survive. I struggle being a single mom and my kids are older and I have a job, an education on the way and I have people who support me, I have a church family and I know God is leading me. So I ask myself what can I do. I know that is the first step.

I know God never wastes a hurt. Because of what has happened to me the last 4 years, I know some of their pain, their struggles.

Princess left a home in Indiana, now lives in a shelter, listening to God. She does a collage of Sudan. She tells me, “There is so much suffering and not enough people trying to help.” I am not sure I can explain what that does to me. Being there, loving these people God has placed in my path.

I go to the concert tonight Art, Music and Justice with Sara Groves, Brandon Heath, Derek Webb, Sandra McCracken and Charlie Peacock. They talked about world Hunger and Social Justice and promoted two organizations that deal with them. It was the same thing. I have to ask, what do You want me to do? I think about my vision that God gave me about the hurting woman and I know these emotions I am feeling are from him, this stirring in my heart and I think He is positioning me. There was a song about a prayer to ask God to open our eyes to see what He sees. And I see mothers of young children, who need a hand and a hug and encouraging words.

Sara Groves said something else that really hit me and it was to become the voice of the voiceless. And I thought wow, I could do that. It was in the context of giving the gospel legs and impacting the oppressed for God. The verse they used in context for me.........

Isaiah 58.
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

Just a brief debriefing as I wind down after class. I used to refer to this as therapy, when school messed with my mind and I needed to reorient my thoughts and emotions. School can mess with your mind so it is best to take care. I guess I am just getting used to UTD and college talk. You, know. I really like the kids. Anyway, tonight was child development class, how emotions develop, how children learn to regulate them, temperment and attachment. It was all fascinating… like when babies learn to smile and how they learn emotions from parents. Makes me think of when my kids were little. My sister told me you can’t spoil a baby. That is what my teacher says too. Love them to death. I had hip babies, if they wanted held, they got held. I learned to do everything with one hand. Last time we learned the best way to increase a child’s intelligence is while they are young and their synapses are connecting to hold them and talk with them. Babies love people especially their moms. There is so much a mom can do to nurture a child. It’s been too cool to study this.

On a different note. Sometimes you hear something and it just helps you a lot. So I have been thinking about what was said and asking those questions… where do those thoughts come from? I usually know, that’s a no brainer. So I do have a choice. Who am I going to listen to? My Father. I got a lot of comfort from that.



My favorite picture. I will have to scan a few of my baby ones.

(hint, hint.... hiking)

Plausiblity and Dialogue

“We learned about dialogue today in class.” Samantha told her new friend Lindsey.
“Duh, I know I was there, silly lady. You sit next to me and we melded our stories together. Remember we sat next to each other at DFW and you asked me the annoying ‘mom’ questions. But, you know me I like attention and you are a good listener. So we talked about school.”
“Yea, that’s right.” Samantha admitted. “You got HIV, but we all decide it wasn’t plausible. REWRITE.”
“I don’t mind.” Lindsey said “Because I am a writer and that is what I do. And may I remind you, you didn’t know the name of the gallery your first show was in or WHAT YOU TOOK PHOTOS of.” Lindsey smiled. “Gotya!”

Counting

If I pour out my complaint
there are more stars than I can count
and yet
there is more of your love
than measure
while the shadows dance
outside my window.
Prayer changes me
Music lifts
so I turn and tune in
listen for the faint Breathe
that opens the universe
bends the shape of things
unsaid
there is a plan
He lets me in

Lost In the Neighborhood

He didn’t give the address
I am lost in the neighborhood
With just a mapquest
Which doesn’t always tell the truth about
The whereabouts of anyone else
You leave your info uploaded on your iphone
I reoriented again, I remember when
There wasn’t any distance
And I phone beneath the tree lined streets
Everybody’s out
My front door is unlocked so
Another son can dry his clothes at the house
He meets me on the front step instead
wants a hug
while a new blond friend tells her mom we’ve bonded
I watch her carefully through the lens
While all the pretty girls faces hurt from smiling
I slip into my place and still am out of place
But trying
Still this pain inside
While all the pretty girl’s faces hurt from smiling
Still this pain inside

Fasting Today

I am doing shorter fasts because I have been at this awhile, since January and my body I think needs me to pull back. So I have shortened the time. I think also the time for fasting may be at an end. When you seek guidance and God speaks, then you know what to do, you just do it, not seek for more guidance.

Knowing what to do doesn’t necessarily mean having answers. Daily we chose between living for God or for our own comfort. When I was relieved of my ministry and asked to step down the temptation to live for self increased. When I was not allowed to serve, I prayed instead. When I was asked to leave I stopped praying for my church. My focus became to love those around me the best I could. I accepted that serving in a church was not appropriate for a time.

My flesh would love to just concern myself with myself, to find a job where I could be comfortable, to get through school and use my spare time on my interests. As an artist there is always the temptation to self promote, really if one chooses to live by your art, self promotion is essential. As long as doors remain closed for me I have no choice but to live a life of minimal involvement, little service. I have been seen as unusable by God for whatever reason, and that assessment of me is the one I have rebelled against. It is the one thing I long for God to change.
It would be so easy, so easy to seek comfort and success artistically. In doing so it doesn’t even matter if I succeed, there is satisfaction in the seeking. But if I choose to seek to serve then there are certain things I need to let go of in order to do so. The first thing is the assessment of me as unusable by God. Also I need to let go of the mindset that I should hold back because I am a liability to people. I need to ask, am I a liability to God and to his kingdom work? And if I am, what can I do to change that. I need to ask Him, what can I do for you?

Reflections on Mentoring and Being Mentored

I have been thinking about mentoring a lot this week. There are several reasons for this. First I am writing two papers; overviews of articles about research done on the effectiveness of mentoring. Secondly, I am in a mentoring relationship and I would like to be more deliberate in what I do.

There was some good news for me; I am intuitively doing what the researchers suggest. One of the big factors in successful mentoring is enjoying the relationship. Another is having things in common. So my love of art and my mentee's desire to have an art teacher makes us a mentor/ mentee relationship positioned for success. The fact that we have continued for over 3 months and have committed to continue is another mark of success. We have done some goal setting, portfolio work to help my mentee apply to the Arts Magnet school. Having the deadline pass and having to wait until next year, we have drifted into another focus. It is one that Tara identified for me. Since art class is so structured she wants to explore and experiment with different processes and medium. That leads to another measure of success, the mentor enabling the mentee to be exposed to experiences that they would not have available to them expect through the mentor. Another objective which I have not acted on but have considered is helping Tara connect to the arts community in Dallas. That would mean going to shows and exhibits. I would like to plan an outing outside the center sometime next month and plan to seek permission to do that. It may not be allowed. I don’t know. So reading this week has been very encouraging to me, but also challenging to me. It helps me see that what I am doing has the potential to shape Tara’s view of her world to one where she sees there are people who care for her and want to see her succeed. She tends to pull away because the people she comes into contact are so transient. She fears attachment. That makes me want to take care to be faithful to the relationship by being consistent and communicating her worth as a person. I want to continue to take an interest in her art and its development because it is important to her. Really examining this relationship this week makes me kind of amazed at how God brought us together and hopeful in what He can accomplish thought it. I know that I am equally blessed by the relationship.

Another relationship that has come to the forefront this week is my relationship to Suzy, my Spiritual mentor from California. She contacted me about her daughter. Christy had surgery this week to have a tumor remove from her female organs. We still do not know the lab results but the doctors do not think it is cancerous. Also she did not have to have a hysterectomy. That is a praise, because Christy is only 30.

Suzy and I have walked through so many crisises together. I love that she is still very much in my life after all these years. My boys were young when she was my neighbor. She really took me under her wing and helped me with parenting skills. She loves Sean and Scott and it was very apparent in her interaction with them. (Lots of pop cycles, there is a story with that.) When I was reading this week about mentoring I also thought of Suzy. I want to address this because of what my ex said about her. He told his counselor and others that I never allowed him to be the spiritual leader. He cited Suzy among other as people whom I depended on instead of him. Like my doing so robbed him of something. The truth is my consistent prayer was for him to lead. My relationship with Suzy enhanced my ability to communicate and love him in practical ways. That was the nature of her response when I got up the courage to share just a little of my struggles with her when we spent time together as friends and neighbors. She used to encourage me to talk to my ex about the problems we were having. She was a Titus 2 woman for sure. It bothers me that my ex would twist that relationship when in truth he benefited from it. I wanted to write this publically because she has been spoken about publically and it is a shame.

What transpired in our relationship was this. I was strong in Bible study, she was strong in prayer. I learned to really pray. She was encouraged to use God’s word to discern truth. She had numerous family member involved in Christian cults and things they taught she rejected but they were very confusing to her. I was able to help her. She was the first person besides my parents to really love me unconditionally. It made a huge impact on me. It still does.

What I did today

I took a day off today because I was feeling bad and was exhausted and there was no work for me to do at work and I had a lot of reading to do for school. It worked well for me; we call them personal days, not sick days anyway. The reading I did was for psychology. When you take a psychology class at UTD, in the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences, as it is called you have to either participate in 2 studies or read articles from a scientific journal on two studies and write a description on the study or a combination of participation and writing an article in order to pass the class. The work is handed into the school, not your teacher. It doesn’t matter what you get in class, if you don’t do it you don’t pass.

Because I do not have a lot of spare time and I like the idea of choosing what I read and write about I opted for the articles. I decided to look at studies on mentoring since I am in a mentoring relationship. I found about 10 studies and narrowed them down to four. I ended up reading all four because the first two were so general and just a good introduction to the topic. I got the articles approved by my professor a few weeks ago. She was very excited when she found out what I was doing at the shelter. That felt really good because she is a person who really loves kids and is excited about the work she does which is working with kids affected by a significant caregiver who has an alcohol problem. She does assessment and intervention.

What I found out from the articles which was of interest to me was there isn’t enough good research on mentoring. There are two kinds of mentoring, tradition or informal and formal or structured mentoring.

Traditional mentoring just kind of happens. The persons in the relationship don’t always have a name for it, they just know over time a significant relationship formed that is mutually beneficial based on likenesses. The name mentor/protégé may come later upon reflection of the benefits of the relationship. Researchers conducted interviews with people asking them who played pivotal roles in their development in becoming who they are.

Formal mentor/mentee relationship have a third party involved who pairs people together. There are set goals and agreements are made that define what the relationship entails.
The articles I read where on mentoring at risk youth, how to assess the benefits and mentoring in a community setting. One thing that was brought up was how little research has been done on faith based communities and mentoring. However their conclusion was mentoring in community was the best situation and mentors that came from faith based communities tended to stick with their commitment to the mentoring arrangement compared to people recruited from other situations. They also concluded that formal mentoring relationships have a 50 % chance of failing in the 1st 3 months and that traditional mentoring where one individual approaches another was more likely to last and bare results which include increased self confidence in the mentee, a greater exposures to resources that benefited the individual, and improved relationships outside of the mentee/mentor relationship. The authors felt that encouraging communities to make mentoring part of their culture and allowing it to happen naturally is more desirable that formal programs. They suggested that educating the communities about the mentoring process and they were enthusiastic to see more communities adopt this practice.

It always helps me to write you first, if I can explain it to you than.........

The Chair

My grandmother owned a set of wicker chairs that we used to play with, my cousins and I. We filled the chairs with hydrangea from an enormous group of plants that grew year to year. The huge flowers from the plant transformed the chairs into thrones and we took turns being royalty. The bushed themselves were a place to hide between, but the bugs and spider that hid there too quickly made us abandon any idea of occupation. We then dared each other to run through the bushes as tests of courage and skill before we bored and went on to other explorations and challenges. Indian Lakes was an enchanted place I discovered as a child. So when Scott brought me a wicker chair last week for my patio I was more than pleased with his treasure, I was transformed.

Copier art

My College. Next time I will start again.

Tara and I did copier art on Sat. She loved it so we will be exploring this process for the next few months. The first set is a college that a lady did last time. She did not return, so Tara took it over. She worked on it along with her own college. Tara will be doing a realistic rendering from a photo she will be bringing to the next session. I will scan it when it is done and PhotoShop it into her backgrounds and then it will be copied again. Both in color and black and white. We are using oil pastels. We found they work well in the process. We will be doing watercolor pencil, prisma color and chalk too.

This is Tara's college and copies.

Look Unto Jesus

I remember it vividly, the bitter tears the realization my life had taken a horrible turn for the worse. I was ill beyond belief. My active lifestyle had screeched to halt and I was clueless as to what was wrong. So were my doctors. Gripped with fear of the unknown, I was unable to sleep, unable to walk further than from the bed to my kitchen without pain and exhaustion. I lay in bed and sobbed. This couldn’t be me. This couldn’t be my life. Not me. Please. That was twelve years ago and many days of crying out to the Lord and the prayers of others and shear determination and most of all being lead step by step by Jesus I have over come. Over the years that followed Jesus has become increasing real to me, his guidance increasingly clear. The story of my healing is too long to share in the relatively short writing. In the dark night of my soul, I learned to look unto Jesus and the faithful witness of his saints.

Within the first year of my health crisis, before I would be diagnosed with an unspecified autoimmune disease and Fibromyalia, I was blessed to become part of on off campus Sunday School class that was studying Lord, I Want to Know You, Kay Arthur’s study of the names of God. A very powerful study, it will rock your world. It did mine.
Adonai was the name we studied that morning. (Genesis 15:2) The LORD, your Lord and Master. I learned I “could never know the refuge of His arms without first bowing my knees and acknowledging His right to rule over me.” (p. 55)

Genesis 15: 1-6
God's Covenant With Abram
1 After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision:
"Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield, your very great reward. "
2 But Abram said, "O Sovereign LORD, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?" 3 And Abram said, "You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir."
4 Then the word of the LORD came to him: "This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir." 5 He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."
6 Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

Once we see Abram’s acknowledgement of God as Lord and Master, his acts of faith are more comprehensible. Knowing Adonia is the beginning of a servant’s heart, the key to faith, not faith in our faith, but faith in the Lord. Abram understood there were benefits as well as responsibilities in the Master servant relationship. (p. 59-58) ”Because Abram has the Lord as his master, he need not fear, for the master acts as his shield. The master rewards his servant.” (p. 58)

I came that morning with a heavy heart, a weary soul and a body that did not allow me to express my true self. I was a shadow of the person he had created me to be. I came hungry for any word, any sense of hope or inspiration I might find. A beautiful white haired woman sat across from me, a former missionary to South Africa. She spoke those words I came to hear; words that pierced by heart and opened for me a new conversation with the Lord.

Psalm 123
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to you,
to you whose throne is in heaven.
2 As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the LORD our God,
till he shows us his mercy.
3 Have mercy on us, O LORD, have mercy on us,
for we have endured much contempt.
4 We have endured much ridicule from the proud,
much contempt from the arrogant.

She softly explained. “We are to keep our eyes on Jesus; our hearts acknowledging him as Lord and Master, our eyes upon his as a servant watches in anticipation for his master to call him into service. We wait expectantly. When he beckons we respond. We do this until he has mercy upon us. We endure.” This would become if you will, my recipe for healing. As he called me first to pray for those who were like myself chronically ill; he gave me strength. Not yet fully recovered he led me into Women’s Ministry where I began to teach his word, into missions, into leadership and as always to prayer. Slowly over the years I regained my strength and except in times of prolonged stress I am relatively symptom free. She is one of those who sits among my great cloud of witnesses who points and says, “Look unto Jesus.”

Written Jan. 2006. I was looking for something else and I found this. I had just returned to church for the first time.

The reasons I came back were simple I wanted to be dealt with Biblically, I did not want to run away from my problems. I came back to clear my name and make people deal with me, not things said about me, but me. If they had a problem with me, I was there and it could be worked out. That is what the Bible says, not leave and go to another church and pretend nothing happened.
People have assigned many motives to me and my actions. But I was simply silently defending myself by being present among you. I wanted to be with my support group, I wanted to be with my church family. I served you 14 years.