Learning to Trust

I spoke in church a few weeks back. I gave a three minute testimony about God’s work in my life. It was about a coming to the end of myself and finding God faithful. It centered on the act of forgiveness. It was an expression of forgiveness still in progress. In the midst of an intense struggle to forgive I made a public statement. I think maybe the fact I made a public statement helped trigger the struggle.

I am thankful for my church family for allowing me to speak. Since I was publically grieved, I have publically forgiven. My church family is my witness.

In my desire to live transparently I faltered, but in the end decided the Lord really did just want me to tell it like it is. I did with hopes that someone needed to hear the message. Or maybe that someone could relate.

Sure enough since the talk I have discussed my testimony with a woman who told me she was deeply move by what I said. She said she was “touched on a deep level.”

I am not sure what that does except expose a burden she has for a family member who is in need of deliverance from the bondage of bitterness. Or perhaps it gave my new friend the chance to express gratitude that she herself has been set free from the tyranny of verbal abuse.

For me as I was able to process the conversation I realized without fear I took a step of trusting another human being with the hopes of a deeper relationship. I have not shared on this level with with anyone other than my close family, my counselor and a few carefully chosen friends. I have hunkered down emotionally for the last fews years without the desire or emotional strength to let anyone new in.

I did not know when I trusted my church family with my testimony, my hurt, God’s love and my healing that it would open my heart to trust again. It was an unexpected and new dimension of grace. I could not have done this or willed it. It seems like almost all of the sudden it happened, but I know it has been a long time coming.

All this must be placed in context of service. The conversation with my new friend would not have taken place without an open door of service. I would still be frozen in the pew, agonizing and defeated had I not stepped up to serve after being encouraged to serve.

See God had another plan. He wants me to step out in faith, speak, trusting His guidance and allowing Him to work. So I trusted Him and He enabled me to trust others again.
Only God.