Not Afraid of the Winter.

The temperature was hovering just above freezing when our plane landed. Snow was gently falling. As Thursday ends I think the whole time we have been here in Ohio the snow has been falling. There is just a little more than a dusting of snow on the ground now. It sticks to the trees and covers the fields. I study the details like I would study a Currier and Ive's. There are tall brown thistle; dried and bent in the wind sticking up in the fields making the scene all the more interesting to me. My parents live in a very nice retirement community in Bellbrook Ohio, a small farming community. As we travel the roads farm houses dot the landscape, some dating back to the 1800's. 

At dinner Wednesday night Sean asked for red pepper for his vegetable soup. My mom laughed, "This is Pennsylvania Dutch cooking your eating." 

I chimed in, "Sorry no red pepper you're not in Texas anymore." 

I have placed that comment in the back of my mind as I spend my time here. Seeing things differently through a filter. I was Sean's age when I left home. It is almost like observing another subculture.

It was 18 degrees out at 2 p.m. on Thursday when we left for our trip around Dayton, bitter cold when the wind blows. I got out of the car a couple of times to take photos, but didn't want to stop and think too much about the process or take my gloves off to adjust the camera. I only wanted to be out about ten minutes. The results were less than satisfactory.

I didn't want to come to Ohio in the winter, but my father's most recent heart incident made it an imperative. I booked flight for right before I resume classes and hoped for the best weather wise. I dreaded coming to Ohio in the winter. I dreaded the inevitable questions. Here I am in 18 degree weather and more questions than I care to answer but I am OK. I guess it is best to face your fears. 

My father thinks I should remarry. Definitely a topic of discussion I want to avoid. I can't imagine it, I can't imagine dating, I can't imagine really talking to a man I was interested in or he in me. I categorize it somewhere near the fear of winter, knowing there will be winter, but it will wane, like love both waxes and wanes. I think of the Proverbs 31 woman who is not afraid of the winter. I want to be like her... not afraid of the future. I want to respect my husband, I want to contribute to my household. 

I told my dad I was beginning to open to the possibility, but I am working on healing. 

Since my call to ministry stretched my marriage to the breaking point, the only thing I know for sure, that is non-negotiable, anyone I marry must be called to ministry too. God's hand is on me. I want to serve God as I walk a long side my husband, otherwise I will remain single. I pray I will be content.