Sometimes I write when I am not at my laptop. Writing happens as I do life. I write even as I take down the decorations that make Christmas connect one year to the next. We have moved house to house many times. I have lived in twelve different dwelling places in my lifetime. Maybe that isn’t much these days. Long gone is the time of staying put in one’s home town. Yesterday as I removed my amazing collection of ornaments from my tree each one evoked a memory of a time and place or the person who gave them to me. The best ones are the ornaments made for me, little bit of love that hangs on my tree from year to year. Nothing I have is valuable in monetary terms. But many were created with hours and hours of work in them along with talent and skill. When I take into account the desire and thought behind these treasures and I am full of gratitude for my family and friends.
There is a quilt ornament my older sister Nancy cross stitched. She sent it with the video How to Make an American Quilt one year. It is a work of art in itself. I found an old paper ornament I made when I shared an apartment with long time friend Judi. Friends since first grade, I will see her next week when I travel to Ohio. There are ornaments Judi crocheted from white thread, ones she crossed stitched. I have cross stitch ornaments from my mother whose needlework encouraged me to try to stitch. I find the two ornaments I taught myself the needle art with. There is more. My sister Margaret rules in her ability to take felt and sequins and make them into my favorite remembrances. There is more but I am a little off topic… except I meant to say bits and pieces of my life hang each year from my tree stirring memories. Each ornament has a story.
As I continue the task of healing which hangs on my ability to forgive those who have hurt me as they sinned have against me I encounter the remembrance phenomenon. When it is triggered by Christmas trees and ornaments it is a pleasant gift. Too often the trigger is linked to an event or person when remembered causes me to once again feel intense pain and if I am not diligent, bitterness. I have learned that remembering a traumatic event is almost like reliving it emotionally. Time and grace help. But I think sometimes these relivings will never end. I must learn to live with the reliving. I need to make peace with my past.
First off I have learned that the remembrance phenomenon is something in the way we are wired, so no guilt trip is needed. I have learned sometimes I just need to let it out. That may mean crying all over again as I release the emotion. I may mean being angry again. Perhaps in the past I did not let myself feel the anger. This is the messy part of the remembrance phenomenon. What I am learning is to trust God in the mess, to trust God with the struggle.
Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I spent a good hour as I painted crying and crying out to the Lord. It was painful, it was messy, but it was definitely a time of surrender to His will. Often the Psalmist poured out his heart before the Lord. I understand this.
As the morning begins and I read in my devotional time from Isaiah 50 I sense there is more. There is more work. I began to see the answers in the text. As I trust God in the messiness of life, as I fight the negative side of the remembrance phenomenon what can Isaiah teach me that will help me live life?
In Isaiah 50 we have instruction from the servant who is Jesus Christ. Since this is prophecy the events described had not taken place when Isaiah wrote them, but the truths given here are eternal. A problem is defined, a solution is given and the consequence for not following the solution is elaborated on.
There is a quilt ornament my older sister Nancy cross stitched. She sent it with the video How to Make an American Quilt one year. It is a work of art in itself. I found an old paper ornament I made when I shared an apartment with long time friend Judi. Friends since first grade, I will see her next week when I travel to Ohio. There are ornaments Judi crocheted from white thread, ones she crossed stitched. I have cross stitch ornaments from my mother whose needlework encouraged me to try to stitch. I find the two ornaments I taught myself the needle art with. There is more. My sister Margaret rules in her ability to take felt and sequins and make them into my favorite remembrances. There is more but I am a little off topic… except I meant to say bits and pieces of my life hang each year from my tree stirring memories. Each ornament has a story.
As I continue the task of healing which hangs on my ability to forgive those who have hurt me as they sinned have against me I encounter the remembrance phenomenon. When it is triggered by Christmas trees and ornaments it is a pleasant gift. Too often the trigger is linked to an event or person when remembered causes me to once again feel intense pain and if I am not diligent, bitterness. I have learned that remembering a traumatic event is almost like reliving it emotionally. Time and grace help. But I think sometimes these relivings will never end. I must learn to live with the reliving. I need to make peace with my past.
First off I have learned that the remembrance phenomenon is something in the way we are wired, so no guilt trip is needed. I have learned sometimes I just need to let it out. That may mean crying all over again as I release the emotion. I may mean being angry again. Perhaps in the past I did not let myself feel the anger. This is the messy part of the remembrance phenomenon. What I am learning is to trust God in the mess, to trust God with the struggle.
Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I spent a good hour as I painted crying and crying out to the Lord. It was painful, it was messy, but it was definitely a time of surrender to His will. Often the Psalmist poured out his heart before the Lord. I understand this.
As the morning begins and I read in my devotional time from Isaiah 50 I sense there is more. There is more work. I began to see the answers in the text. As I trust God in the messiness of life, as I fight the negative side of the remembrance phenomenon what can Isaiah teach me that will help me live life?
In Isaiah 50 we have instruction from the servant who is Jesus Christ. Since this is prophecy the events described had not taken place when Isaiah wrote them, but the truths given here are eternal. A problem is defined, a solution is given and the consequence for not following the solution is elaborated on.
The problem is idolatry. If you think in terms of bronze and wood you will miss the point. Anything we do in place of trusting God is off track and idolatry. We tend to downplay our modern more acceptable forms of it. It isn’t that the people were just idolatrous; it was that they were unrepentant. Isaiah prophesied that the people would be taken into captivity because of their sin. Instead of repenting they would complain and blame God. The first four verses are God’s response to them and to us when we are like minded. God is perfectly capable of rescuing us, He is mighty. There is no deliverance because we would rather blame that look to the Lord for help.
The solution starts in verse four. Jesus is the solution. What we learn about Him is this: He is well instructed in wisdom. He knows how to instruct a weary people. He gets His instruction each morning from the Father, we need to be like Him, obedient to what we hear. Even when Jesus was persecuted and suffered He listened and obeyed God. He did not hide from the messiness. He was glad He obeyed God in the midst of it. Because of that Jesus Christ did not suffer shame or disgrace. He tells us if we trust in God and not our own strength, then no one can accuse us either. Those who do will answer to the Lord.
This is radical trust. Even when we seem to walk in the dark, if we trust God we are much better off than those whose light is their selves and their reliance on themselves.
When I am faced with the remembrance phenomenon I need to listen to the one who knows how to instruct the weary, who understand being sinned against, and who instead trusts in God without regret.
That means for me in a practical way I need to remember alongside my pain, that God is mighty and able to rescue me. Do I trust Him in the pain and hurt? If I can say yes than I walk in the light of His deliverance. I need to remember God.
Isaiah 50:1 -11 The Message
GOD says: "Can you produce your mother's divorce papers proving I got rid of her? Can you produce a receipt proving I sold you? Of course you can't. It's your sins that put you here, your wrongs that got you shipped out.
So why didn't anyone come when I knocked? Why didn't anyone answer when I called? Do you think I've forgotten how to help? Am I so decrepit that I can't deliver? I'm as powerful as ever, and can reverse what I once did: I can dry up the sea with a word, turn river water into desert sand, And leave the fish stinking in the sun, stranded on dry land
Turn all the lights out in the sky and pull down the curtain."
The Master, GOD, has given me a well-taught tongue, So I know how to encourage tired people. He wakes me up in the morning, Wakes me up, opens my ears to listen as one ready to take orders.
The Master, GOD, opened my ears, and I didn't go back to sleep, didn't pull the covers back over my head.
I followed orders, stood there and took it while they beat me, held steady while they pulled out my beard, Didn't dodge their insults, faced them as they spit in my face.
And the Master, GOD, stays right there and helps me, so I'm not disgraced. Therefore I set my face like flint, confident that I'll never regret this.
My champion is right here. Let's take our stand together! Who dares bring suit against me? Let him try!
Look! the Master, GOD, is right here. Who would dare call me guilty? Look! My accusers are a clothes bin of threadbare socks and shirts, fodder for moths!
But if all you're after is making trouble, playing with fire, Go ahead and see where it gets you. Set your fires, stir people up, blow on the flames, But don't expect me to just stand there and watch. I'll hold your feet to those flames.
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