Struggle

I have two blogs, one for art and one for writing and faith. I started this one for art and writing and faith took over.

Here I am in this blog wanting to write about art. That is what this week has been full of, which is a good thing. I was encouraged today to continue to elevate art of all types, be it photography, graphic design or Fine art. Blur the definition.

I am glad to have these things to think about because otherwise the week would be one big struggle. It isn’t a struggle with anything but believing not that God is good, but that He is good to me. There is this heaviness and doubt that I just cannot shake. I want to say on one hand, I know what He has said to me, to others. I know what the Bible says, but I just want to say no. I am so uncomfortable with all of this… where I think God is leading me. Not because it isn’t good, but because I just think I don’t deserve it. I guess it is fear too and letting go of the past and forgiving people. There just seems to be a lot of adjustments I need to make in the way I view what God is doing in my life.

My sister wrote me and said in part

I pray that God starts opening more doors and that your trial by fire comes to an end - I don't think either of us can possibly imagine his plans for you.

She has written me this before and there is something about it that rings true. And there is something about it that scares me to death.

Sometimes I am surprised by the amount of baggage I carry, things said to me, things done to me that go against what my sister tells me. Sometimes the struggle is more intense. This week is one of those. I know it is because I need to move on and I need the courage to move on.

I need to exercise faith. But I wish it were as easy as elevating art and refining skills and pulling out the paints and facing the white paper, which takes a kind of faith. But this is something bigger and something only God can do. The question I face is… will I allow God to work.