Heart and Soul

That is my name for Sean, my oldest son. He is a delight and a very intense young man. In many ways he always seemed like an adult. His kindergarten teacher told me he talked like an adult. He loves to explain things and I think he should teach. But he loves computer programming and will excel in that I am sure. When he does something he really gets into it.

This photo is of Sean after he helped light Casie's birthday cake. He is wild and wonderful and thinks life should be a birthday cake with as many candles on it as you can get all lit up.


I love his sense of humor and his sweet spirit. He and Casie are a trip to watch together. I hear them laughing all the time. They cook together. They read the news out loud to each other and discuss all kinds of things. I can talk to Sean about anything and he will get it. That is why I call him Heart and Soul. He will do things like talk to a friend on the phone who is bipolar and struggling. He has dealt with depression and has suffered and because of that has compassion on people, the other reason I call him Heart and Soul.

Sunshine

Scott

This is Scott's graduation picture. We never got the ones from the studio, it was just a really bad time in our lives. But I took him on a trip to Galveston and took this photo among others. This is by far my favorite. So I guess we really did a graduation picture. I never sent it to family. So many things like this have just slid by me.

Last night Scott stayed up late and cleaned the garage. That is where I paint and he break dances. We keep stuff out there too. There is a constant bickering about "space." All good natured. Tonight since he cleaned the garage I finally put all his or really our art work away. He photographed his work in the process of applying for UNT and UT in art.

I guess if you have to have a mess, it may as well be art. It is EVERYWHERE. In the mean while he wants to throw my old mat cutter out. I want to donate it. He said "we don't have time, just pitch it mom. Is there an emotional attachment here?" I am being GREEN. I replied. Then he starts to sing. "Baby, you can't take it with you to the Promised Land, THROW IT OUT!" See why I call him Sunshine? Needless to say is it leaning up against my work bench waiting for me to take it to Goodwill.

All In

At Willow Bend we have a way of saying being totally committed to Christ and that is the term, "All In." (I think it is a Texas Hold'em term, but I wouldn't know, clueless)

Anyway, we were discussing some writings of C.S. Lewis where the topic of "all in" was the focus. In the mix of it was a discussion we started off with concerning questions one of our group members has about Genesis and creation.

As random as that seems what kept going through my mind was I would like to see this person take a class on Genesis, like a Precept class. I thought it would be amazing for her to study the topic in depth like that. She says she has so many questions she is sure that even in a life time they could not be answered, but still she will ask.

In the midst of all this I felt a spark, I remembered the love I have of teaching and the joy I have when I study scripture in depth. I "knew" that "something missing" that was keeping me from being "all in" was teaching the Bible. I want to feel that joy again. It is like a thirst the Lord pointed out to me.

I felt the joy again.

I kept thinking about Ephesians 1:17-23 and how I felt when I laid hold of the idea that we can understand God more in increasing measure and He wants us to.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Transformation

I have always thought that if people would take time to review what they heard in the sermon and think about it during the week the church would be transformed. That is why I like to write in review what I learned and make applications to the things going on in my life. What is weird I thought was, what I wrote late on Saturday night could have been an introduction to the sermon, or at least an introduction to the sermon for me. The sermon spoke that much to me.

In his sermon my pastor Dave Jobe used the spiritual growth triangle to talk about transformation. In doing so he posed the question; which way are you headed? Either you are being transformed into the image of Christ or you are being molded by the world. He was referencing Romans 12:2.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

There are three forces at work in us to produce Spiritual Growth. The first is the Holy Spirit, the second trials and temptations, our circumstances and the third the Disciplines that we intentionally do to produce Spiritual growth.

Philippians 2:12-16 says:
“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”

Transformation must take place in a hostile environment because the things of God are in opposition to the world. The world seeks to seduce us away and allure us into a mindset that we are independent of God.

I think this statement is what stuck out the most to me of all that was taught this Sunday. I came to the service after a week of struggling particularly over the process of determining where I needed to serve in the church.

The temptation when we are struggling in a hostile and difficult environment is to start faking it instead of being open about our struggle. When I blogged last week about what brought on the struggle over serving I was tempted to take it off my blog. I guess that would have been faking it. I decided not to. Then I worried about my struggle until I heard the sermon. When I heard the sermon I was glad I just got my thoughts out there because that is how spiritual growth takes place.

Since Sunday and the sermon, I have heard and read some other comments that have enabled me to be at peace about things that have occurred in my life the last few years. I understand that I have been transformed in the midst of trials and temptations. For that purpose God has allowed them. It is one thing to understand this and another to hurt, really hurt because of being accused of things I didn’t do, have things said about me that were lies, have people judge me based on gossip, to be shunned and then conclude: for the purpose of transformation God allowed these things. This is where it becomes very personal. Just this morning I had to pray and ask God to forgive people whose actions and judgments have made my life a struggle to get by financially.

Even in that, I can see God is teaching me to trust Him in ways I never have before. I know when I do move on to a better job I can say; “this is only something God could have done for me.”

Dave taught that in trusting God our goal isn’t to please God, He is already pleased with us, but the goal is to trust Him more. If we try to please God we become performance based. We need to discern His voice and obey. We need to trust His word.

When we learn to trust Him in all things we have unveiled faith, which is faith that is not faking it. In unveiled faith we find transformation.

2 Corinthians 4:16- 18
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Mode of Operation

When I sit down to write I almost always free write, good or bad. When I take pictures I almost always take them and am very grateful for the digital format so I can waste as much image as I want. I frees me up, because it cost me nothing but time. But I don’t think discipline is bad, or a strategy or finding what works. I have so much to learn.

I have so many new things in my life and the freedom to explore them, so much to learn, and never enough time. I just plod away. I take photos when I can, draw within a deadline, create, work on the web, my portfolio when that seems possible, form a poem when my attention is drawn to the awe of life. Dance.

I have been down of late and I am not sure why when there is so much richness in my life and the boys are here and there is peace. And I am learning to trust God like I have never before. How can that be bad? So many people in my life speak truth to me and encourage me. I am just beginning to notice I have a very nice life, one to be really, really thankful for.

Maybe I just need more sleep in order to see this more clearly day in and day out.

When I sit down to write I almost always free write and when I lay it down and pick it up and reread it, it makes sense, which is always weird, because when I write it I don’t usually know, I am just getting it out and putting it down.

Struggle

I have two blogs, one for art and one for writing and faith. I started this one for art and writing and faith took over.

Here I am in this blog wanting to write about art. That is what this week has been full of, which is a good thing. I was encouraged today to continue to elevate art of all types, be it photography, graphic design or Fine art. Blur the definition.

I am glad to have these things to think about because otherwise the week would be one big struggle. It isn’t a struggle with anything but believing not that God is good, but that He is good to me. There is this heaviness and doubt that I just cannot shake. I want to say on one hand, I know what He has said to me, to others. I know what the Bible says, but I just want to say no. I am so uncomfortable with all of this… where I think God is leading me. Not because it isn’t good, but because I just think I don’t deserve it. I guess it is fear too and letting go of the past and forgiving people. There just seems to be a lot of adjustments I need to make in the way I view what God is doing in my life.

My sister wrote me and said in part

I pray that God starts opening more doors and that your trial by fire comes to an end - I don't think either of us can possibly imagine his plans for you.

She has written me this before and there is something about it that rings true. And there is something about it that scares me to death.

Sometimes I am surprised by the amount of baggage I carry, things said to me, things done to me that go against what my sister tells me. Sometimes the struggle is more intense. This week is one of those. I know it is because I need to move on and I need the courage to move on.

I need to exercise faith. But I wish it were as easy as elevating art and refining skills and pulling out the paints and facing the white paper, which takes a kind of faith. But this is something bigger and something only God can do. The question I face is… will I allow God to work.

Child’s Play

I am a helper in the second to fourth grade Sunday school class at my church. Today while Gigi my co-worker was teaching I got to watch from the other side of the room. We do these games designed to teach simple truths. We are in a section on the Parables of Jesus. Today we studied the parable of the unforgiving servant from the book of Matthew. (Matthew 18:20-22)

Our game consisted of the kids getting in a small circle so they could all take ahold of a gold metal ring. I was across the room with a green foam star. Gigi explained that the gold metal ring was sin and that we were all connected to each other because we are all sinners. “All have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God.”

I wish I had my camera because the expressions on their little faces was classic. There were very disturbed by this revelation, but agreed it was true.

Then Gigi told them the green star I held up was God and they were all separated from God. They began to try to crawl over to God, crying out “We need YOU, we need YOU!”

Gigi said wait a minute you can’t get to God unless I give you something. She then gave them a wooden cut out heart. She said you need a new heart. Then she handed the hearts out saying Jesus died in our place and paid our debt, they were free to run to God.

Which they gratefully did. They all then grabbed on to the green form star and Gigi told them now we are all connected to each other because we belong to God. She asked “How does that feel?”

Much better.

The reality of this escapes some who should know better. Simple enough for a child to grasp.
We are all connected. Think on that.

Sometimes we fall short of what we imagine

My Star by: Robert Browning (1812-1889)

All that I know
Of a certain star
Is, it can throw
(Like the angled spar)
Now a dart of red,
Now a dart of blue;
Till my friends have said
They would fain see, too,
My star that dartles the red and the blue!

Then it stops like a bird; like a flower, hangs furled:
They must solace themselves with the Saturn above it.
What matter to me if their star is a world?
Mine has opened its soul to me; therefore I love it.

What if I think there is something "good" I should do?

Maybe I should just do it. I realy think too often we hold back and question our motives. Who put the desire in your heart to do good anyway?

I do not think every decision we make is weighed so heavily. There is good and best, but not everything rises to that. If we decide to do good and we are stopped like Paul was then, God is just guiding us. Only because He knows more, wants the best. He loves our desire to move towards Him. He will gently guide us. He isn't angry or waiting for us to mess up.

Don't let fear stop you from doing good, especially when it is about sharing the Gospel.