My Call Revisited

Called And Asking Questions- I am answering a call to Women’s Evangelism.

It is Springtime. I was thinking about my relationship with the Lord and how I have a great sense of His presence. He showed me this week it was due to my great need for Him. It is out of those things I lack, unmet needs, hurts, estrangement and conflict. Those things that drive me to Him, drive me to my knees and account for the blessings I receive.
He has shown me my great need makes me have compassion on those whose needs are greater than mine, those who don't know Him. It reminds me it isn't by merit that He allows me to come so often into His presence, but by grace and mercy alone. It is out of a great need that the Lord supplies me with tenderness and companionship. From the emptiness of my life, He fills me up. Against weariness, doubt, and longing, He pours out His love, acceptance, and guidance. There is a hope because He is near and He is faithful. In Him I am complete.

When I asked Jesus to be My Lord and Savior I discovered my life motive was

“to encourage other people to have a closer walk with Christ, to live in the Spirit, or to live out the Word.”

Since then I have also discovered the things that motivate me, situations that I enjoy, excel in, or treasure.
I am driven to write and communicating God’s Word and what He is doing in my life. I am continually learning. I love to study and learn new things. I love to draw, paint, design, and create. I am happiest when I am teaching or training other. I consider my self a small group discipler. I treasure my friends and enjoy building relationships with others.
The opportunity to design the stained glass window and write about it has all of these elements in them so, it isn’t surprising that it was a peak experience for me. Writing about the window for me is an invitation to know Christ better and to understand His glory and what it means.
I have learned my giftedness isn't the same as my calling. It is what I am asked to bring to my call. My calling fulfills the motivation of my heart. It is the passion God has placed there. It is my purpose.

I have refined my Life Mission Statement to be:

“I want to be the best spokes person for Jesus Christ that I can be, to creatively expressing Him to others. And to encourage others to know Christ in a deeper way and to experience the presence of God in a powerful life changing way.”

I am a teacher who writes. an artist who teaches

Confirmation- Among the watercolors- Written to the WEM Team Dec 30, 2002 (corrected)

Dear Ladies,
I just spent 3 days at Women’s Evangelism Training at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth. The second day, I was walking through their beautiful new leadership education building while I was on break. I decided to rest my overflowing mind and look at all the watercolors that lined the halls. I also found the round stained glass windows that hang over the lobby areas on each side of the building. I had interviewed the artist who had created them when we were looking for an artist to do our window. It was exciting to see the windows up close. As I strolled I was asking God what He wanted me to do. I had come to the training determined to be open to whatever the Lord spoke to me about. And as you know, He had been speaking to my heart about humility and pride again. But this time, He whispered to me, “Be beautiful. Can you be beautiful for me?” That really does something to your heart when you hear that from the Lord. “Yes,” I said, “I want to be beautiful for you.” And I really believe He can do that in me. I was impressed that He ask nothing of me or gave me nothing “to do.” He just told me how He wanted me to be.

And as you would have it, the teachings I heard that day were detailed in how to be that beautiful, spirit-filled over flowing woman, a woman who leaves a fragrance wherever she goes. And these teachings were presented by the most lovely woman. Their passion for the Lord had them in tears every time they spoke. I came expecting polished speakers. They may have been. I didn’t notice, because all I could see was their transparency and openness to what God could do through them. Be comforted in knowing what kind of woman inhabits the leadership of our convention. I was blown away..

What God was showing me is how concerned I am about how I am perceived and if I am received by others or not. When what the Lord wants to do is use me to tell others about him. I was able to share that in confession in one of our breakout prayer times. I could see clearly how my self concern, which is a form of pride, keeps God from working through me.

I have been concerned about being received because of the difficult seasons in women’s ministry. I had seen things in leadership that grieved me. I was hard pressed to find anyone who was even willing to pray with me. I was untrained, unconnected, without support. But I was called, so somehow I walked through it. I called it the dark night of my soul. I was wounded. I don’t think the women I served with understood how badly wounded I was. And it has been pride that has kept me from admitting my hurt, dealing with it, confessing it, and then going on to forgiveness. My pride almost kept me from going forward. It was why I took three months off. But I am determined to keep on and my three months off was the best thing I ever did. I have really tried to get “over it.” I have tried to bless the ones who hurt me, serve the ones who didn’t actively support me. I have tired to forgive. I really don’t think being able to shake this is totally a forgiveness issue. It’s also a confidence thing. I have felt pretty inadequate and God has allowed other people to confirm that in me by things they have said. It is an arrow that Satan has effectively used to hold me back, keep me in fear, and make me plan just want to run and hide. It is hurtful to hear those things about yourself, but there was something in those things God was trying to teach me. And it is s this: the only hope I have is in what those lovely ladies taught this weekend about being a leader and living for Jesus. I will never be polished enough, or administrative enough. But I will try to learn some of that because I serve in Plano and it is something people value and respect. But I will be transparent, and I will weep with those who weep, and mourn with those who mourn. I will celebrate your victories and cheer you on. I will take risks and put myself in places where I can be wounded again. Because I am called, I cannot retreat, or retire. My only hope is to be a vessel for the Lord. Any success I have will be because I have yielded and allowed God to work through me. I know the only way I can speak is if He fills me. And I am called to speak, because He was given me things to say. I can try to argue like Moses that I am not eloquent to speak. To that He would say, I will be with you and I will give you the words.

Thursday late the leaders asked us to go off by ourselves and let God speak to us. We then got together and read the scripture passage He used to speak to us this week. My verse was from Isaiah 62

“For Zion's sake I will not keep silent , And for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet, Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, And her salvation like a torch that is burning. And the nations will see your righteousness, And all kings your glory; And you will be called by a new name, Which the mouth of the Lord will designate. You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, And a royal diadem in the hand of your God. It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," And your land, "Married"; For the Lord delights in you, And to Him your land will be married. For as a young man marries a virgin, So your sons will marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you.”

On my own, I will fall flat on my face. I realized I am stepping into something much bigger than myself and I need to leave that self concern and hurt behind. I am stepping into something beyond myself and I can only get there in faith. I can only do the tasks before me in His strength.