Be Salt and Light

“Be salt and light” was the third word I hear from the Lord recently. A small still voice as I thought about the post Colin put on his Facebook note concerning their Christmas adventure to minister to the homeless. The boys minus my son Scott stopped by Christmas night to borrow my old boom box before they headed downtown to see what they could do in the name of Jesus. The plan was to show up where the homeless hang out and feed a few people, maybe dance, thus the boom box. They hoped to pray for or with some of the men they might meet. I love these guys and was not disappointed when Colin posted last night. God does speak to us. He desires to do so.

And from that post of Colin’s came a question to me. Again, what will I do with it, the it being what God gives me? His imperative lest I not draw the conclusion myself… “be salt and light.”

The word to me came in context of art, art ministry and how the Lord might use that. And so know I can tell the story of the woman from Illinois with no home but a dream. I have written an encounter with this homeless woman into a poem. Truth is I am being shaped by the women I meet at the shelter too, like Colin was by the man Christmas night. Like Colin I know I can be their voice. That is something Sara Groves suggested at her concert when she asked her audience to consider the plight of the needy, to help, to give, to be the voice of the oppressed and hurting.

Recently my pastor suggested we make our families larger, extend that to the church, pull up our tent pegs and enlarge our tent. That is my prayer for my church as I enter the new year, that and the task of speaking truth to people in love.

As I looked up the reference to the image of “enlarging our tents” I find it in Isaiah 54 along with the first word spoken to me in the series of utterance that the Lord has blessed me with as I seek His face and his will for my life at this intersection.

Now He has my attention.

Matthew 5:13 - 16
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

I have had a heaviness in my heart, a burden that hasn’t been lifted, for years now. In the spirit of this verse it rages against the lies of the enemy and speaks truth, “be salt and light.” And I often fall back in dismay and look at the ruins of a life of service I once knew. “Be salt and light” breathes life into a dream, it awakens hope, it implores justice, mercy and reconciliation. It longs for wholeness. I know the source of the message and I believe what He says to me is not in vain.
Isaiah 54

The Future Glory of Zion

1 "Sing, O barren woman,
who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.
2 "Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.
7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children's peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD.

Faith Walk

Have you ever heard the voice of God? Does He speak to you? What do we mean by that, when we say God speaks? When the Spirit brings to mind a specific scripture to use in the situation we find ourselves in, God speaks. We may hear a sermon and know what is preached applies to our situation, God speaks through our pastor. We may have a friend speak truth to us, God speaks through our friend. Sometimes it is a still soft voice that isn’t audible but a voice none the less that answers a prayer, God speaks to us directly. The Bible says we will know his voice, just like a sheep knows the voice of the shepherd. John 10:14

When Chris LaRue spoke to us on Sunday he asked the question, "have you ever heard Jesus speak to you? If you have, what was the last thing He said to you and what is your response to that going to be? Are we as individuals and as a church body going to act on these things in faith based on what was said to us? What are we going to do with what Jesus tells us?”

Whoah!

I fast and pray regularly with expectation that God will speak to me. He usually does. I don’t know how it works, just that is does. I can’t explain it. He has given me two specific words in the last few weeks, speaking to my situation. He has given me an unexpected but definite change of direction. Not that I was entirely caught off guard. He has a way of preparing us in advance, we just don’t always know until the circumstances present themselves. Sometimes God speaks before I fast, preparing me for the fast. Sometimes He speaks during the fast. But most often he speaks when I break fast.

As I begin the new year I have these specific words to me in my mind. I am letting them seep through my thoughts and color my perception. I have written them in my journal. As I make decisions amd interpret situations I will remember these truths. I will share them at the right time… for now they are to ponder in my heart.

We are responsible for what we know. When we study a scripture we become responsible for its application in our life. As people speak truth into our lives we again are responsible for that message. In taking these divine messages and applying them to our lives we become obedient to God. When we act according to them even though our circumstances don’t make our way clear, we walk by faith not sight. We chose to walk by faith not what we see, what we want to see or what we hope to see.

Chris said something I thought was profound. He said that the house of faith is built on the character of God. We trust in Him, who He is, His promises. How our house looks depends on us, it depends on our obedience to what we know of God.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Christmas Bloggin’

To tell the truth I haven’t looked forward to Christmas for many reasons. But it is here and I am pleasantly surprised that I am ok. I cooked all day and Scott and Tori are coming over to eat soon. We sort of didn’t plan things. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. The fact that I cooked on Christmas borders on the miraculous and shows that God has done a healing work in my life. One of the ways I shut down during the divorce was not being able to cook. I just couldn’t do it anymore, or only with dread.

I have been drinking chocolate coffee. There is a candle burning called Christmas Eve. I have been playing Christmas music alone in the house; the boys are off at their girls friends. That is the way it should be. Bryant, Miles and Collin stopped by on their way to South Dallas to minister to the homeless. They borrowed my CD player so they can dance.

I am at peace with the world for now and grateful for some time off work. I have been taking photos of Christmas, like a diary to remember.

I called my parents and thanked them for all they do to help me and to tell them I am looking forward to seeing them in two weeks. They said it is supposed to be 50 there tomorrow. Maybe it won’t be too cold when I get there. Who knows?

I am starting to get excited about the direction God is nudging me in even though I feel awkward and maybe even foolish. But sometimes it is better to be a fool than play it safe. I would rather people say I was a fool than be known for playing it safe when all is said and done. But maybe when you are following after God and listening to His heart, then that is the best, no matter what people think. After all the crap I have been through, why should I even waste the energy to type even a thought about what people think. People talk that is a given, glad I can give them something to talk about.

But in the end, what I want is this, to know I listened to God.
The kids are on their way over, I am going to set the table.

Merry Christmas!!

Burden: Will I Dance Before Him?

There is something that God stirs up in my heart over and over again. It is a burden for single moms, particularly single moms with young children. Years ago he gave me a vision of the wounded woman as I call it. I have come to realize as I became a single mom, it was a vision of being a single mom.

I had two visions about the time I went forward in church to make my calling public. The first one was during a quiet time. I sensed women around me crying. There was deep wailing and grief, pain that went to their very core. I had the sensation of my shoulder being wet with their tears, but it really wasn’t. All I can say is it was a sense of it being that way. I didn’t really hear the crying, but felt it.

Then a few weeks later I sensed one women crying, she wasn’t a single woman, she represented many. She was crying like before and she was enveloped in darkness. Then there was a light, like a lamp that came and entered into the very core of her darkness and grief. I knew the lamp was Jesus. I feared the woman was me. (from Vision, Blessed Lady.com)

Heartache abounds in our world and I don’t think it is always expressed. We put on a brave face and do what we must to take care of our kids. My are grown and I can only imagine being alone and on my own with little ones. Where does one find the strength to keep on moving?

I decided last month to take my mentee Tara* out for the afternoon one Saturday in December. I decide to make it special as I could and make it my gift to her. I decided to ask her mom and two year old sister to come. We decided on the Nutcracker Ballet. I soon found a performance online that fit our time frame.

Cheryl* Tara’s mom greeted me Saturday in the lobby of the shelter with excitement and we began our afternoon. With just a few questions I had Cheryl sharing her difficulties and frustrations, her hopes and fear in the car ride up to the Eisemann Center in Richardson. As she talked and shared two realizations occurred to me. First she was a woman of my vision. Second the gift of time and getting out was the most precious gift I could have shared with her. I was glad Tara was anxious to have her mom and sister tag along with us, I thought for a fifteen year old that was different. I also discovered Cheryl’s struggles were not too different from my own and I often feel completely overwhelmed by the task at hand. I differ in the resources I have at hand.

I think knowing our connectedness could make me uncomfortable, but it didn’t, instead I received a burden. I have to commit to helping this woman in whatever way I can. Maybe for now it is prayer and encouragement. Maybe it is just loving her daughter… whatever God lays on my heart. After the drama on Sunday my pastor said the biggest need we have as believers is to make our families bigger. We don't think big enough.

The ballet was beautiful and we all drank its beauty in. The two year old danced in the aisle and I was delighted and never so glad to follow through on an intention as this one.

Cherly has nothing on a worldly scale. She is the poorest of the poor. She wants to preserve what there is of family and nurture it and make it flourish. She wants to provide for her kids. She needs support from a church family and she wonders what her future will bring. And I want to be a part of a dream. I want her to make it.

Cheryl said something that I always thought about when I taught Bible study at the homeless shelter. I could go there and encourage, but I got to go home at night. What Cheryl shared was what is was like to stay. Realizing I could leave made me want to be as genuine as I could in what I taught. I couldn’t throw some scripture at then like a bandaid and go home to my beautiful home and feel proud that I went. So many are afraid to go. But what I bring, what I offer better be real and tested before I ask a lady like Cheryl to listen to me and what I have to say.

Do we walk the walk or talk the talk? Is my faith real enough for the Cheryl’s of the world and will I go and share it? Will I be the beautiful hands and feet of our Lord?


*(not her real name)

ART

Oh the very name “Christian art” makes me wince. I think of imitation, playing it safe… should I label myself a Christian artist I expect the thought police would soon be at my door to fruit pick my work looking for any deviation from the sanctioned norm. I speak as a visual artist. There has always been a place for the musician in the church, however the visual artist is often suspect, I think. Maybe that is changing?

Am I being unfair?

I don’t think so. As a Christian who happens to be an aspiring artist, photographer and writer I had the privilege of listening to a room full mostly nonbelievers discuss Evangelicals, in the midst of laughter and their perception of us.

Even as their thoughts and talk displayed a misunderstanding of my faith, they nailed us on the Christian culture. We look ridiculous in their eyes for the very reason stated above; imitating the culture at large than offering a sanitized version of art and music or whatever. We were discussing what they called “offensive or creepy” Christian T-shirts, ones is particular that suggest certain types of people are going to hell. I immediately thought of Derek Webb and The T-shirts that We Wear. Webb is one of the more edgy and controversial “Christian artist” who I greatly admire and love.

I also love my writing class who had this discussion and when I heard it I immediately wanted to blog about it, but I had to wait until I was done with school.

Their refrain was, “why can’t they come up with something original; Christian rock, Christian t-shirts, Christian Guitar Hero. (roll their eyes) And I feel the same way. But I wish it were different.

As a proponent of what I call Art Ministry I am forever thinking and rethinking what it means to be a Christian artist or maybe an artist who happens to be a Christian. I am not satisfied with either description. In my evolving definition of art ministry I find myself proposing that all art references something. There is no art that is completely original. Art is revision at its worst or dialog at its best. As an artist you speak truth to me in song, paint, poetry… then I engage and respond and hopefully something will come forth that is fresh and connected to you or to the community we find ourselves a part of. True dialog doesn’t have rules or a set of expectations but a natural flow. If you are conscious of God at work in you and observant of life around you it births an authentic art that references both the world I live in and the God who dwells within me. That doesn’t happen with a formula.

Life is rough sometimes, how can we avoid being edgy? How can we speak to the culture if we ignore the injustice and the needs we see around us? If we would just open our eyes. I think sometimes as the church we don’t want to talk about it, what is happening to people, how we can impact them. We will make a t-shirt to tell them they are wrong. Wouldn’t dialog instead be refreshing?

How many times did Jesus say, “those who have ears let him hear?”

How many times was Jesus accused of eating with sinners?

If we have the Good News to speak, let us do so creatively and with excellence. Let us share it with those who need to hear it in a way that they understand. Let’s not play it safe. Let us not preach to the choir. Let us not be a subculture that speaks a language that those who need to hear the message don’t understand.

Over my winter break I have the opportunity to do art with some my son’s friends. As believer we will wrestle with the question of being an artist and speaking for God and what that means and how do we do it with excellence. How do we impact those around us and what role do we play in redeeming a culture.

One of the most profound things to happen to me in art class at UTD was a dialog I had with Greg Metz, my instructor. I was taking his silk screen class and I wanted to do silk screen of a last supper presentation at my church. I wanted to use a photo one of my art ministry students took. His comment was this. The last supper is the most reproduced art in the history of art. It is old. Do something new. Think about this, as we enter the sanctuary we bring the world with us. We do it seamlessly. We take the elements. The question is when we leave the sanctuary do we take communion out with us? Think about that.

In Light of His Word to Us

First Sunday In Advent

Luke 1:11- 16
Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord."

I watch a movie this weekend called Simon Birch. It was about a young boy with a birth defect that caused him to be small for his age. He was a small young man, but he was large in his faith. He believed God allowed him to live for a purpose. He believed he would be a hero one day and that is why he walked the earth. Simon Birch was made fun of for both this stature and his vision. He died age 12 as a hero. When I read the Christmas story I always see a challenge to personal faith. In the story of the birth of John the Baptist we have to different reaction to a very specific and detailed word from God. God had a specific purpose for John the Baptist and his parents play a role in the fulfilling of that purpose. Zechariah saw the angel deliver the message and did not believe. It was a wondrous promise and Zechariah demanded proof.
Elisabeth on the other hand did not see the angel, nor receive a specific word from the Lord. When she become pregnant she gave glory to God believing his hand was in it. She said "The Lord has done this for me," … "In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people” (Luke 1:25)

As we begin the season of Advent, as we prepare our hearts and meditate on the Word of God, His specific word to us and the evidence of His goodness in our lives let is receive the movement of the Spirit in our lives with joy. As we light the first candle let us determine to let the evidence of His work in our lives shine as He seeks to complete the purpose of our life in us. Let His light shine in us.

A thanksgiving memory

All My Grand Mother's Cat's were named Tabby.

I found this while looking for files to make my Master Piece of Thanksgiving Memories and More.

Posted on Zanga.

I am cooking dinner and making a list for a shopping trip tomorrow morning. I have my recipe book out and miscellaneous sheets of paper with recipes on them that I think I should one day put neatly into a binder. I think holidays are wonderful for the most part; hopefully they stir good memories, at least a few. I came from a family where holidays meant gathering with my aunts and uncles and cousin for big meals and a lot of laughter. It didn’t matter if it was Christmas or Memorial Day up at the lake we gathered together and ate. I love my family and my extended family they are the best people.

I was thinking way back into my childhood as I peeled potatoes tonight and recalled my aunt and uncles house in Hamilton, Ohio. My uncle was the pastor of the Hamilton Evangelical United Brethren church at that time and they lived in the parsonage. We gathered for thanksgiving there one year. I remember several things about those times. First there were probably 35 of us and the kids were encouraged to play outside while my aunts and grandma cooked, which was fine with me. This one time we climbed apple trees or maybe they were cherry trees. I had never climbed a tree before and if you are about 6 and never have climbed a tree before fruit trees are a great place to start. Except my aunt didn’t think so, I guess they were her fruit trees so we moved on. Next we got the BEST idea. We decided to take my aunt’s cat three flights of stairs up the fire escape on the side of the church and throw her over the top. The theory was cats always landed on their feet. For protection we planned to catch her with a blanket at the bottom. It was to resemble a circus act. I was chosen to hold one edge of the blanket. As the cat fell three flights and oh yes she did turn mid air and proceed feet first, I must have gotten nervous or something I let the blanket slip and the cat free fell to the ground. It was a pitiful noise she let out and everyone screamed at me. Fortunately after my grandmother inspected her, she was pronounced OK, to my great relief. My grandmother had a way a thinking everything we did was amusing and this incident proved to be no less so. She pronounced that her grandchildren were testing to see if cats really did have nine lives. She believed whole heartedly they did. So we came inside and for some reason I am not sure Anita and I made a sauce of flour and milk for the cat. I guess we were feeling bad that we threw her off a building, a church no less. Well, I guess she wasn’t hungry or milk and flour sauce is gross to cats who have experienced severe trauma and she refused it. We responded by pushing her face in it. My grandmother laughed, but at this point we were prohibited from playing with the cat anymore and told to wash up for dinner. I want to take the opportunity this Thanksgiving to apologize to all cats everywhere for the insensitive way I treated them as a six year old. Chow.

Another Zanga Post, BUT not the one I am looking for.........

Happy Thanksgiving. I tend to think about the past on this holiday, like the year in Florida when my niece ruled the TV all weekend and we were forced to watch unending episodes of the Planet of the Ape reruns on TBS' Planet of the Apes Thanksgiving Movie Marathon. She's a psychology major now, maybe there's a correlation, sweet kid, I miss her.
I got my little sister to start her own xanga site. She asks, who would want to read a middle-aged lady's posting? Well I call her the Erma Bombeck from Alabama. She's a hoot when she's on a roll, and she writes better than I do and I have tired to get her to write again for years now. She was diagnosed with leukemia several years ago and much she has to say is about learning to deal with her disease, which as of today there is little to treat her. Fortunately her type of leukemia is slow in progressing and her progression has been even slower than normal. Meanwhile researchers are looking for way to treat it . I don't think about her illness a lot, but yesterday was her birthday (24th) and sometimes I just have to acknowledge she is ill, which I hate.
Visit her and encourage her, pray for her too, it makes a difference, she can always tell.
Now an essay on the happy thanksgiving thing.
I don't think happiness and thanksgiving always relate, true thanksgiving takes place outside of happiness, the kind that God admires anyway.
I am thankful for the concept of thanksgiving; it is way to readjust our thinking and shape it into something that pleases God.
I am thankful for a God whose character causes me to look up and out and beyond myself.
I am thankful for a God who deals with me on every level with an amazing ability to engage me in meaningful ways and change me when I absolutely can or will not. We've walk a lot on that path this year and I can honestly say "thank you Father for delivering me, for healing me emotionally and physically and for giving me a greater sense of purpose and confidence that if You have called me You will enable me."
I am thankful for my little family and that it is just us plus April this year for the holiday. I am grateful for my extended family, whom many will receive the book Boundaries for Christmas from me. Just teasing, we are working on it and things are getting better.
I am thankful for all the ways I am able to express myself and the endless energy I seem to have when I do.
I am thankful for my church family and the amazing group of people I get to work with and all the things the Lord is working out through the church. I am glad to be a part of it.
I closing I am thankful for holidays where pumpkin pies and cranberries are featured.

Personal Prophesy

The first personal prophesy I received was as a new believer when I lived in Florida. It was from Isaiah 19, the prophesy concerning Egypt. Since I had just come out of the occult new age, it was clear that Egypt was a perfect symbol for my past. When I read anything concerning Egypt, my ears perk up.

Isaiah 19: 19- 25
19 In that day there will be an altar to the LORD in the heart of Egypt, and a monument to the LORD at its border. 20 It will be a sign and witness to the LORD Almighty in the land of Egypt. When they cry out to the LORD because of their oppressors, he will send them a savior and defender, and he will rescue them. 21 So the LORD will make himself known to the Egyptians, and in that day they will acknowledge the LORD. They will worship with sacrifices and grain offerings; they will make vows to the LORD and keep them. 22 The LORD will strike Egypt with a plague; he will strike them and heal them. They will turn to the LORD, and he will respond to their pleas and heal them.

23 In that day there will be a highway from Egypt to Assyria. The Assyrians will go to Egypt and the Egyptians to Assyria. The Egyptians and Assyrians will worship together. 24 In that day Israel will be the third, along with Egypt and Assyria, a blessing on the earth. 25 The LORD Almighty will bless them, saying, "Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance."

What stood out then was the striking and the healing.

“The LORD will strike Egypt with a plague; he will strike them and heal them. They will turn to the LORD, and he will respond to their pleas and heal them.”

So even in the beginning of my faith walk, the Lord made it clear to me that these things would transpire. I did not have details. Today what stands out is:

The LORD Almighty will bless them, saying, "Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance."

I am ready for the blessing.

My Mom Wrote... My Dad Too

She said... the day you were born was cold and the snow was falling. She made me cry. I love her so much.

I had a birthday today. I took off work to go to the doctor, had lunch and then a visit to my lawyer. The crazy way my bosses give personal days makes this option make the most sense. The highlight of day was of course lunch with Brenda. She is an artist friend from UTD and of course we talked art. She is also the director of worship arts at Christ’s Church in Plano. Since they are a liturgical church much of the work involves organizing 280 volunteers a month. So we talked software. She uses a program she really likes. We talked about some of her projects art wise she is involved in and a class she teaches. I plan to write about her Flag project .

She wants me to try to put a class together for the one she teaches. There are so many thing like that I want to do.

I have to have more tests next weeks, not looking forward to that. The trip to my lawyer was emotional. He asks a lot do questions… knows the implications behind events in the past. Just shakes his head as to why mediation was not pursued. The only thing I am pursuing is my landlord who still has not given me my deposit back, it is cut and dry. He broke the law. Today was a milestone and a closed chapter of my life, a little formality known as a will. It wasn’t as difficult as the divorce, but it was emotional.

Today was a beautiful day. Brenda and I ate on the patio and stayed to talk. She always blesses me. She is like gold. I have a peace about me and am resolutely looking to the future.

Isaish 43: 18 - 19

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.”

My Dad's email...
yep it has shown up on our calendar again. little ruth's birthday. i suppose you have gotten our card and note, but i just wanted to re-enforce that with this e-mail. your mother and i have finished our devotions, and as we were talking and praying you were in our midst. november 18, 1955 the big day you came into our family with some of the wrinkles which faded away and you became a squirmy little peach, and you became an instant hit in my existence we fondled and kept you close for all your formative years. then you crept away, but we never lost you. we often wondered how things were going with you but kept a good relationship with you. i have many good remembrances, and some sorrows,but today i have peace for i know that in spite of all the turmoil of the recent year you are been Hanging in there, and thats good. i trust you will continue to 'KNOW WHOM YOU HAVE BELIEVED,A ND KNOW THAT 'HE IS ABLE ' have a blessed day-----IN CHRIST--- you are LOVED! your father

Praise Offering

Reading Isaiah 12 this morning… again a reoccurring theme. That is a clue that God is speaking to me. Sean got a job yesterday. No big deal? Not really. After a long series of difficulties surround a prank he and his best friend did months after they graduated from High School and a month after Sean turned 18, it is a real praise. This event has affected his life way more than he ever could have guess when the decision was made to mess with some kids they had been in an on-going confrontation with. Finally this offense is off his record and he can move on. We celebrate.

The night the incident took place was the night before I gave my testimony for a musical presentation at church called High Praises. I was asked to talk about praising God for Deliverance. I based it on the idea of a praise offering.This is a praise offering, this post. My testimony was a praise offering. So is Isaiah 12. The evening I gave the testimony I knew it was warfare. It went like this, "do not give your testimony and Sean will go free. Speak and I will bring you and your family down." When I stepped on the stage to speak I knew I was obeying God and defying the oppression that surrounded the event and my life. The enemy does not want us to praise God.

I have said over the last few months as Sean has been trying to get work that I will praise God when he does. I will make a praise offering. This is it. Interesting. I overslept yesterday so I was delayed in reading Isaiah 12… God’s perfect timing.

Isaiah 12
Songs of Praise

1 In that day you will say:
"I will praise you, O LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.
2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation."
3 With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.
4 In that day you will say:
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.
5 Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.
6 Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

5 minute Testimony Written for High Praises, October 2003

The Thanks Offering is voluntary acts of worship expressing a gratitude to the Lord for healing from illness or deliverance from trouble or death. In my life I have been delivered three times; from Alcoholism, from New Age and from a debilitating illness. The Lord spoke to me recently saying when I had a chance I was to publicly proclaim what He has done in my life as an act of worship and praise. In the language of the Psalms it sounds like this

I will tell of Thy name to my brethren;
In the midst of the assembly I will praise Thee.
For You has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;
Neither have You hidden Your face from him;
But when he cried to You for help, You heard.

As you can see, when John asked me to speak about deliverance I was excited.
I visited my parents recently and they are a wonderful, gentle, peaceful people who love the Lord.. It is hard to understand why they would have a daughter like me. They raised me in the church and loved me and I repaid them with rebellion and sorrow. I became involved in the occult (or secret teachings as they are called) in 6th grade and I spent the next 18 years perusing it’s practices and teaching in the many forms it takes. I experienced a definite personality change. I went from a well adjusted child to an angry, defiant and depressed child, definite signs of the spiritual oppression and bondage. I spent the last ten years as a New Ager, primarily involved with Zen Buddhism and various forms of meditation. I had a spiritual mentor and spent a lot of my time reading and studying world religions. One New Age premise is there is no right or wrong. The goal of mediation is to escape dualism and live above morality as a sort of super spiritual person. A Christian apologetic author once wrote that when dealing with people in the New Age you encounter an enormous amount of spiritual pride. That is true.

Having given Satan a stronghold in my life and as a result of believing there were no moral absolutes I became involved in drugs and alcohol, because there was nothing to really stop me. The Lord used that to humble me. At age 25 I found myself at an AA meeting where I publicly confessed that, “My name is Ruth and I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.” Privately I confronted the fact that in my effort to be spiritual, the best I could do was become addicted. I was heading for divorce and I had alienated just about everyone I knew. I was an angry bitter person. But I was desperate to get my life put back together.
So I made two decisions. I made the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob my higher power. I began to pray for a true teacher someone who I could commit to and follow. I had been going from teaching to teaching in my spiritual quest and I was weary. I needed some direction. The Lord used AA to teach me to call out to Him, to pray daily, to be thankful and to admit when I was wrong and seek forgiveness of Him and others.

On Good Friday, April 5, 1985 while I was at work God chose to revealed Jesus Christ to me through a Radio program. He showed me that Jesus was the True teacher I was looking for. Most important of all He showed me the power that raised Christ from the dead was the power that was keeping me sober one day at a time. I got up from my desk knowing I no longer had to fear death that everything the Bible said about Jesus was true and that I wanted to follow Him. It was 3 o’clock in the afternoon Good Friday, I would soon learn that it was not insignificant in that it was the hour when Jesus cried out His last words, “It is finished.”

The Lord God is a God who delivers. He hears those who call out to Him. But He is bigger than that, He is a God who restores and heals. Twelve years to the day that I took my last drink I became ill and ended up in the ER. The illness left me weak and unable to function normally. It would never be fully diagnosed. The Lord used my illness to teach me that although He can deliver us from our trouble there are consequences for our sin. But He didn’t leave me there. He called me to pray and to live in His presence and He taught me to listen to His voice. He has almost fully restored my health.

It has been 18 years since I meet Jesus Christ on what I call my road to Damascus. He has more that restored my life and marriage. He has called me to serve Him with my whole heart. When I became I believer I had put aside art and my pursuit of it because I was not able to separate my gifts from my New Age beliefs. The call He has given me is to use my gifts and art to glorify Him and to teach and study the His Word. A privilege I hold dear.

I answered that call in March when I went forward in church and although I am only beginning to understand what that means I know that what ever He asks me to do I will do it as a Thanks offering to Him.

I cried out to You in my trouble;
You saved me out of my distress.
You sent Your word and healed me, And delivered me from destruction
Let us give thanks to the Lord for His loving-kindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
Let us offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
And tell of His works with joyful singing.

Saturday, Class and Isaiah

I meet with my mentee and we were both really glad to connect again after a month. I need to get permission to give her my phone number because there has been too much

miscommunication as we try to get a hold of each other through other people. There was a break through in that both times as we meet and as she left, she came to me to get a hug. Then after that I talked her ear off and she talked mine off. We are planning a outing. We talked about a trip to the Meadows. I want her mom and little sister to come. On my way home as I was driving I decide to do this in December, take them to lunch and make it very special. I am completely excited. She said her mother would love to get out and do something, so would I. But I need to make it after finals.

She told me there was an event today she wanted to go with me to, an all day art event, but she wasn’t able to contact me.

The next class was fun. I had two ladies and then a group of kids who were brother and sisters and cousins. They razzed each other and cut up and I felt like I was in the middle of their family room. Man, I was tired when I got home. Lots of fun. There was a five year old boy, an eight year old boy, a ten year old girl and boy and two thirteen year old girls.

I am fasting again because the occasion seems to call for it and I have renewed strength in doing so. (But I am really wanting to eat black eyed peas w/own beef broth, mashed tat's w/skin on, smoked pork chops, & brownies w/fresh strawberries & whipped cream... SHANNON!)
I digress and I really was going to write something important, but I think I will go to Walmart and buy a video and lunch for next week. I can’t decide

I read from Isaiah this a.m. and I wanted to comment on that. I am reading through Isaiah in my quiet time.

“Then the LORD will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over all the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.” Isaiah 4:5-6

This struck me because of the image. The cloud of smoke and the pillar of fire as reference to the Exodus and wandering. It being a shelter from the storm and a hiding place.

For me these two images, God’s presence and guidance and God’s sheltering and hiding are two very real and powerful images in my life. That is what He has been doing with me. Sometimes I get frustrated with the hiding. When you are in hiding you are isolated, but protected. I know God loves me, but sometimes it seems cruel, although I know it isn’t. I look back and know he protected me.

So I know I have written about this in the Window Text as I call it. So I look it up. I last wrote about the Element of the Cloud. The following note, not even finished text but ideas, is the last thing I wrote.

“These texts give an additional image of the Cloud of God’s presence as a shelter from the heat and the raging of the storm. What the people needed to be reminded of and what we forget in our personal wilderness journeys is that we are not only dependent on the Lord for our provision, water and the manna from heaven, but we are also in reality dependent on the Lord for our very life. Each breath we take is a gift from above. Psalm 22 reminds us that we cannot even keep ourselves alive. It is in times of duress that we see this the most clearly. It is then that the illusion that we are independent and have a sense of contentment and control is removed that we recognize that He is …. a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.”

We Can Talk About the Kids........

I think being salt and light hangs in the balance when we find ourselves in conflict. I am basically shy by temperament, as a child extremely shy. Painfully shy. I learned as an adult to use my imagination, something I have a lot of to overcome a lot of my shyness. When I get in situations where there are a lot of unknowns it comes back to me. Using my imagination helps with the unknown. Let’s say I go to a dinner at church, I am new and I don’t know anyone. I can go and sit with complete strangers and imagine I know them. It is helpful if they remind me of someone. I can pretend like I am not shy and imagine myself as a person who isn’t. It just works. It gets me through the rough stuff which for me is being taken out of the familiar and starting over. I have had four major moves where I have had to start completely over. All of the moves without the benefit of a job to help establish contacts and make friends. Each time we moved I knew no one, where as my ex had contacts, they being one reason we were there. Friends hire friends and co-workers bring coworkers along. All this to say, I am basically a shy person who does not like new situations or conflict. But like I learned to deal with new situations I am learning to deal with conflict. No easy task for me.
My usually response to conflict is to leave a situation or if I cannot to shut down emotionally. Since the divorce I have learned that when I shut down there is a reason and I have learned to address the reasons the best I can. I have come a long way. Writing this journal has been good for me in that I have been addressing issues and event from my past that in the past would cause me to shut down. The more I “get it out” the better I feel. The more I address problems the less I need to shut down. The more I deal with the uncomfortable the more confident I feel. So life goes on and I get better. In doing so I want other people to have the same liberation I have seen happen. I don’t want people to settle for status quo, especially if the status quo is toxic.
Scott and I have learned to address lots of issues together. It wasn’t easy at first, but it is more so now. We expect it, that is when there is conflict to resolve it and move on. We are really close. Sean is just more easy going and I have always been able to talk to him. We have something called fitness. Our relationship fits, Scott and I have to work on it… but then we are more alike in some ways, artistically. Scott doesn’t have a shy bone in his body. Man, I just love my kids and we just keep going on and slowly life gets better. I am grateful for this time together. Priceless.

****
Sisters

Mary,
I am sorry that you had the problem with your friend and she decided in a cruel way to end the friendship. I know it is painful and I will not say what people said to me when I lost so many friends at church, “she just wasn’t a real friend.” Well if she wasn’t why do you feel grief and pain? Something real has been lost.

You always affirm me. I can’t tell you what it meant to me when my world fell apart to not have to explain much to you because you know me so well. You probably explained some things to me. That is what happens when you know someone, you can see what we can’t. You never hesitate to tell me. I trust you in that. In fact today after I got your email about the assignment you are doing with your life coach and I thought about us I realized I trust you more than anyone in the world. I trust you with myself. Like I wrote in the blog a few days ago, I trust you with the difficult things. I mean the DIFFICULT things. And you have never disappointed me in that. We have been through a lot haven’t we?

I trust you to say what you think. I love how you always defend me and believe in me. I love that I have always been important to you, that you are always there. When I lost all my friends, you stood by my side. When I was in so much pain, you knew my pain… it didn’t cause you to run.

Then I love your sense of humor and your way with words. I love your playfulness and your imagination. Of all the things I want for you besides complete healing is for you to write. I want to see you find your voice and then your wings and I want to see you take off and do more with the written word than you ever saw coming. You are so much better at it than me.

In the past I have seen you dragged down and defeated, almost. But I don’t see that anymore. I would like to see you write about why that is. What happened? I want to know how you look at death and life. I want to know about your walk with the Lord. See, I want you to write because I want to know more about you. Maybe you don’t even know this, the change; maybe I see it like you see things in me. I tell you it is there, this change of mind and spirit. It is full of life and it needs to be out there, or I think it does.

BTW, I posted this because I want people to know how we are. And thanks for all……… too much to say.

Ruth

Living with Cancer

Every once in awhile my sister will write about her cancer. I always feel I need to respond. She usually corrects my thinking, which is OK. I am not the one who has been asked to carry this burden, but I do like to remind her I carry it with her, in prayer and just plain old love. You have to understand how close we were, how close we are. She is so much a part of me.

When I knew I was an alcoholic and I needed help, I didn't want to tell my parents. Mary went to them and did what I could not do.

When my marriage went south and my ex called my parents and used the "d" word before I was even close to that decision and my mom became upset with me for a year, Mary, kept talking to mom until she understood what was going on. I could not have done it myself.

Here is her recent post.

Happy Dance
I'm celebrating. It's November 1st and I made it thru the entire month of October without getting sick! First time in 4 years (yes, count 'em, 4), that I have not had a virus in October. This is a big deal for me. 3 years ago I when I caught a virus I was sick for about 3 days. 2 years ago when I caught one I was sick for 3 weeks. Last year when I caught one I was sick for 6 weeks (honestly, 3 weeks in October, 3 weeks in November). This year: zero days, zero weeks! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!
October's been a rough month all around for more than the last 4 years. 7 years ago this October I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). Talk about a kick in the pants. Sept. 11, 2001, well, we all know what happened on that day, the next day was my first (and unfortunately not my last) visit to an oncologist. Three weeks later, I got my diagnosis.
Since CLL is a chronic cancer, they don't treat it until it becomes totally necessary to. Chronic cancers grow much slower than acute cancers which makes it harder to kill those nasty cancer cells. So, it was kind of weird to be told you have cancer, but they're not going to do anything about it. I'm on what's called watch and wait (or as some people refer to it: wait and worry). It takes some getting used to.
One of the downsides of having CLL is that my blood counts are flip flopped. My white cell count it high and my red blood count, while it's normal, it's on the low end of normal. And since my white count is up, I'm more at risk to catching things, like viruses. In the last couple of years I feel like I've been one big virus magnet, I seem to catch them at the drop of a hat. That's why it's such a big deal for me that I made it thru this past month without catching one.
So, happy dance, happy dance and in the words of Ren and Stimpy - Happy, happy, joy, joy!

*********

I have a friend who I love, him and his wife who is suffering at the moment with cancer. TJ has helped me so often deal with Mary's cancer as we haved talked and he shared about himself. I could talk to him and Janet about it because they walk the same path.

Of all the things I missed, that I regret is not getting to serve with TJ and Janet more. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, UNFAIR. I have protested this the most of everthing that has happened. I loved being on a team with them. This is the reason, the post above me and then if you know them, you'll know why I write these words I write. Because I know you understand how I feel and feel it with me.

The Way of the Cross

I have been reading through the book of Mark in my quiet time for the last few weeks. The last few days concerned the betrayal, trial, crucifixion, death and finally today the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I guess since I often read the story during the season of lent, it seemed slightly out of place, not that it is ever inappropriate to remember Christ’s suffering. It probably doesn’t occur in the liturgical calendar in November. I do not go to a liturgical church, although I have. Today we had a taste of the liturgical reinvented in a very beautiful mix of candle light and quiet, music, scripture and prayer as we “walked” through the stations of the cross before communion. Powerful? yes. Beautiful? deeply. Memorable? I hope to remember it.

We were asked to bring some burden to the cross which was in the center of the stage area draped in purple cloth, illuminated by dozens of candles. The stage is where the pastor usually preaches and the band plays. Those elements were removes as distractions to worship and were placed in the back of the church. We faced the front of the church and followed along in song and prayer. With the assistance of PowerPoint images and the text we were able to join in corporate prayer. The scripture was read and interpreted in Jesus’ voice. Jesus spoke. The thoughts of Christ were read by our worship leader and written by him too, I believe. Through the mind of Christ he asked the congregation very powerful questions and we were given a time of response as we came forward for communion, a practice we are familiar with. We also placed our written burdens in a basket before we took the elements.

We experienced the scriptures today as we celebrated our union as the body of Christ. We were asked to become one with our Lord and position ourselves to be used by Him. We were given a chance to worship without distractions.

As we participated I remembered a friend and fellow Bible study teacher whom at one time co-taught classes with. We particularly concentrated on making the scriptures real through the use of symbolism, hopefully giving richer meaning to contact with the scriptures. She assisted me the first time I lead a mini prayer retreat and as I sat there today I remembered a story of reconciliation that took place at that first retreat. My friend had us all (about 14) drape ourselves in black cloth symbolizing our sin. We went forward and knelt before the cross which was draped in red and prayed a prayer of confession. Then we place our black cloth are the foot of the cross and left it there. One of the ladies attending came to my friend and confessed bitterness towards her from a situation years before. These ladies were leadership and they then prayed and cried together. It was a powerful thing for leadership to be releases from unforgiveness and find unity. No small thing.

I am waiting for other stories to be told about today. This is mine.

Need More Sleep

I am too tired to write a poem, too tired to write. I am had an exhausting week, the test in Child Development is hard, so much memory work, like 20 pages, I wrote for 2 and a half hours, then I couldn’t sleep, then I woke up early and could only lay there.
I don’t understand anything; I just keep doing what I think I should do. I cleaned house tonight that means I am stressed.
I walked at lunch today. I danced tonight.
I have pansies to plant in the front flower garden this weekend. I need to replace the soil, black clay with some top soil.
Scott is in Seattle, Sean and I will clean while he is gone, so it stays cleaned for awhile. I want to work on the wall and finish up two papers on mentoring.
I have a short story critiques to do and I have to write a reaction to a short story, saunders who I don’t really like but I waited and that is the choice.
Good Night.

Album: Tell Me What You Know (2007) Sara Groves

You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it's demands
You hold on as well as your able
You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself It's been a while since i felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
It's been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It's been a while since Ifelt this
But it feels like it might be hope


Saw her on Saturday….. one of my favorites. It has been the first time in a long time I have had a song in my heart, but it is there.

My Multiple Personalities

I Always Wanted to be Martha Stewart

Beat Poet

Pirate FUN!

Bad



Black Listed


Mum the anti-Drug

College Student

Hollywood

Drama Queen

Photographer

Ole and OK

Miss Congeniality

Author, Author

Mum

Art History Major (and Drama Queen)

There is a debate, should Christians celebrate Halloween? I am going to, by posting my multiple personalities I have come up with over the years. It is too much fun. So if Halloween means dressing in costumes, having a party and eating food and candy. Go for it. But if you plan to become an occultist I highly suggest you don’t. I pray you have the discernment to know the difference and why one is a non-issues and why one is dangerous. If you can’t tell the difference refrain from it all. This is a former new ager speaking. Please go to a Fall Festival they are all over town.

I Shall Be Released

It’s past one and I am trying to settle down to sleep. I need to write first. I have fasted almost every weekend since January. This weekend I tried, but just couldn’t I am at the end of myself and I just need to eat. But I am telling you the Lord spoke to me more this weekend than in the last ten months. I may not sleep tonight at all. I think I need to try to write it down. That is how it is when He speaks, at least to me. I know I am supposed to try.

I went to the shelter and my mentee wasn’t there. Miscommunication. I dunno. I decided to teach an open class. I wasn’t going to because I have a lot to do (which I have not done) The Chaplain in charge rounds up a group of people. Two ladies, a 12 year old boy and three young women, two babies, a two year old and two on the way. We had the best class. So much so I stayed two hours instead of one. I lost track on time COMPLETELY. Very weird.

I figured out a whole lot about what I need to do with the class. The open class needs to be limited to 6 plus the babies and little ones. I can handle that. I have dreaded the open classes, even though I wanted to do them. Today was very cool. So now I know. We did collage and I will have to post them. Later.

I meet a lady I will call Princess. She just moved from Indiana, really Chicago. She gave me the same message the lady I talked to about a month ago. The same message I got from my small group discussion, about listening to God’s voice and obeying. God told her to move to Texas. What was neat about her is she came and she expects things to fall in place, get a job and a place to stay and watch God use her. She said she knows she is positioning herself to be used. She just needs to listen to his voice. In group on Thursday we talked about Abraham waiting for the promise, how he knew he heard God’s voice, but then there was a 25 year wait. So long that Abraham doubted and messed up. But God was consistent and kept sending the message.

I know God’s voice.

When I meet these young with little ones and then pregnant too, my heart just goes out to them. And I want to do something to help them to be able to survive. I struggle being a single mom and my kids are older and I have a job, an education on the way and I have people who support me, I have a church family and I know God is leading me. So I ask myself what can I do. I know that is the first step.

I know God never wastes a hurt. Because of what has happened to me the last 4 years, I know some of their pain, their struggles.

Princess left a home in Indiana, now lives in a shelter, listening to God. She does a collage of Sudan. She tells me, “There is so much suffering and not enough people trying to help.” I am not sure I can explain what that does to me. Being there, loving these people God has placed in my path.

I go to the concert tonight Art, Music and Justice with Sara Groves, Brandon Heath, Derek Webb, Sandra McCracken and Charlie Peacock. They talked about world Hunger and Social Justice and promoted two organizations that deal with them. It was the same thing. I have to ask, what do You want me to do? I think about my vision that God gave me about the hurting woman and I know these emotions I am feeling are from him, this stirring in my heart and I think He is positioning me. There was a song about a prayer to ask God to open our eyes to see what He sees. And I see mothers of young children, who need a hand and a hug and encouraging words.

Sara Groves said something else that really hit me and it was to become the voice of the voiceless. And I thought wow, I could do that. It was in the context of giving the gospel legs and impacting the oppressed for God. The verse they used in context for me.........

Isaiah 58.
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

Just a brief debriefing as I wind down after class. I used to refer to this as therapy, when school messed with my mind and I needed to reorient my thoughts and emotions. School can mess with your mind so it is best to take care. I guess I am just getting used to UTD and college talk. You, know. I really like the kids. Anyway, tonight was child development class, how emotions develop, how children learn to regulate them, temperment and attachment. It was all fascinating… like when babies learn to smile and how they learn emotions from parents. Makes me think of when my kids were little. My sister told me you can’t spoil a baby. That is what my teacher says too. Love them to death. I had hip babies, if they wanted held, they got held. I learned to do everything with one hand. Last time we learned the best way to increase a child’s intelligence is while they are young and their synapses are connecting to hold them and talk with them. Babies love people especially their moms. There is so much a mom can do to nurture a child. It’s been too cool to study this.

On a different note. Sometimes you hear something and it just helps you a lot. So I have been thinking about what was said and asking those questions… where do those thoughts come from? I usually know, that’s a no brainer. So I do have a choice. Who am I going to listen to? My Father. I got a lot of comfort from that.



My favorite picture. I will have to scan a few of my baby ones.

(hint, hint.... hiking)

Plausiblity and Dialogue

“We learned about dialogue today in class.” Samantha told her new friend Lindsey.
“Duh, I know I was there, silly lady. You sit next to me and we melded our stories together. Remember we sat next to each other at DFW and you asked me the annoying ‘mom’ questions. But, you know me I like attention and you are a good listener. So we talked about school.”
“Yea, that’s right.” Samantha admitted. “You got HIV, but we all decide it wasn’t plausible. REWRITE.”
“I don’t mind.” Lindsey said “Because I am a writer and that is what I do. And may I remind you, you didn’t know the name of the gallery your first show was in or WHAT YOU TOOK PHOTOS of.” Lindsey smiled. “Gotya!”

Counting

If I pour out my complaint
there are more stars than I can count
and yet
there is more of your love
than measure
while the shadows dance
outside my window.
Prayer changes me
Music lifts
so I turn and tune in
listen for the faint Breathe
that opens the universe
bends the shape of things
unsaid
there is a plan
He lets me in

Lost In the Neighborhood

He didn’t give the address
I am lost in the neighborhood
With just a mapquest
Which doesn’t always tell the truth about
The whereabouts of anyone else
You leave your info uploaded on your iphone
I reoriented again, I remember when
There wasn’t any distance
And I phone beneath the tree lined streets
Everybody’s out
My front door is unlocked so
Another son can dry his clothes at the house
He meets me on the front step instead
wants a hug
while a new blond friend tells her mom we’ve bonded
I watch her carefully through the lens
While all the pretty girls faces hurt from smiling
I slip into my place and still am out of place
But trying
Still this pain inside
While all the pretty girl’s faces hurt from smiling
Still this pain inside

Fasting Today

I am doing shorter fasts because I have been at this awhile, since January and my body I think needs me to pull back. So I have shortened the time. I think also the time for fasting may be at an end. When you seek guidance and God speaks, then you know what to do, you just do it, not seek for more guidance.

Knowing what to do doesn’t necessarily mean having answers. Daily we chose between living for God or for our own comfort. When I was relieved of my ministry and asked to step down the temptation to live for self increased. When I was not allowed to serve, I prayed instead. When I was asked to leave I stopped praying for my church. My focus became to love those around me the best I could. I accepted that serving in a church was not appropriate for a time.

My flesh would love to just concern myself with myself, to find a job where I could be comfortable, to get through school and use my spare time on my interests. As an artist there is always the temptation to self promote, really if one chooses to live by your art, self promotion is essential. As long as doors remain closed for me I have no choice but to live a life of minimal involvement, little service. I have been seen as unusable by God for whatever reason, and that assessment of me is the one I have rebelled against. It is the one thing I long for God to change.
It would be so easy, so easy to seek comfort and success artistically. In doing so it doesn’t even matter if I succeed, there is satisfaction in the seeking. But if I choose to seek to serve then there are certain things I need to let go of in order to do so. The first thing is the assessment of me as unusable by God. Also I need to let go of the mindset that I should hold back because I am a liability to people. I need to ask, am I a liability to God and to his kingdom work? And if I am, what can I do to change that. I need to ask Him, what can I do for you?

Reflections on Mentoring and Being Mentored

I have been thinking about mentoring a lot this week. There are several reasons for this. First I am writing two papers; overviews of articles about research done on the effectiveness of mentoring. Secondly, I am in a mentoring relationship and I would like to be more deliberate in what I do.

There was some good news for me; I am intuitively doing what the researchers suggest. One of the big factors in successful mentoring is enjoying the relationship. Another is having things in common. So my love of art and my mentee's desire to have an art teacher makes us a mentor/ mentee relationship positioned for success. The fact that we have continued for over 3 months and have committed to continue is another mark of success. We have done some goal setting, portfolio work to help my mentee apply to the Arts Magnet school. Having the deadline pass and having to wait until next year, we have drifted into another focus. It is one that Tara identified for me. Since art class is so structured she wants to explore and experiment with different processes and medium. That leads to another measure of success, the mentor enabling the mentee to be exposed to experiences that they would not have available to them expect through the mentor. Another objective which I have not acted on but have considered is helping Tara connect to the arts community in Dallas. That would mean going to shows and exhibits. I would like to plan an outing outside the center sometime next month and plan to seek permission to do that. It may not be allowed. I don’t know. So reading this week has been very encouraging to me, but also challenging to me. It helps me see that what I am doing has the potential to shape Tara’s view of her world to one where she sees there are people who care for her and want to see her succeed. She tends to pull away because the people she comes into contact are so transient. She fears attachment. That makes me want to take care to be faithful to the relationship by being consistent and communicating her worth as a person. I want to continue to take an interest in her art and its development because it is important to her. Really examining this relationship this week makes me kind of amazed at how God brought us together and hopeful in what He can accomplish thought it. I know that I am equally blessed by the relationship.

Another relationship that has come to the forefront this week is my relationship to Suzy, my Spiritual mentor from California. She contacted me about her daughter. Christy had surgery this week to have a tumor remove from her female organs. We still do not know the lab results but the doctors do not think it is cancerous. Also she did not have to have a hysterectomy. That is a praise, because Christy is only 30.

Suzy and I have walked through so many crisises together. I love that she is still very much in my life after all these years. My boys were young when she was my neighbor. She really took me under her wing and helped me with parenting skills. She loves Sean and Scott and it was very apparent in her interaction with them. (Lots of pop cycles, there is a story with that.) When I was reading this week about mentoring I also thought of Suzy. I want to address this because of what my ex said about her. He told his counselor and others that I never allowed him to be the spiritual leader. He cited Suzy among other as people whom I depended on instead of him. Like my doing so robbed him of something. The truth is my consistent prayer was for him to lead. My relationship with Suzy enhanced my ability to communicate and love him in practical ways. That was the nature of her response when I got up the courage to share just a little of my struggles with her when we spent time together as friends and neighbors. She used to encourage me to talk to my ex about the problems we were having. She was a Titus 2 woman for sure. It bothers me that my ex would twist that relationship when in truth he benefited from it. I wanted to write this publically because she has been spoken about publically and it is a shame.

What transpired in our relationship was this. I was strong in Bible study, she was strong in prayer. I learned to really pray. She was encouraged to use God’s word to discern truth. She had numerous family member involved in Christian cults and things they taught she rejected but they were very confusing to her. I was able to help her. She was the first person besides my parents to really love me unconditionally. It made a huge impact on me. It still does.

What I did today

I took a day off today because I was feeling bad and was exhausted and there was no work for me to do at work and I had a lot of reading to do for school. It worked well for me; we call them personal days, not sick days anyway. The reading I did was for psychology. When you take a psychology class at UTD, in the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences, as it is called you have to either participate in 2 studies or read articles from a scientific journal on two studies and write a description on the study or a combination of participation and writing an article in order to pass the class. The work is handed into the school, not your teacher. It doesn’t matter what you get in class, if you don’t do it you don’t pass.

Because I do not have a lot of spare time and I like the idea of choosing what I read and write about I opted for the articles. I decided to look at studies on mentoring since I am in a mentoring relationship. I found about 10 studies and narrowed them down to four. I ended up reading all four because the first two were so general and just a good introduction to the topic. I got the articles approved by my professor a few weeks ago. She was very excited when she found out what I was doing at the shelter. That felt really good because she is a person who really loves kids and is excited about the work she does which is working with kids affected by a significant caregiver who has an alcohol problem. She does assessment and intervention.

What I found out from the articles which was of interest to me was there isn’t enough good research on mentoring. There are two kinds of mentoring, tradition or informal and formal or structured mentoring.

Traditional mentoring just kind of happens. The persons in the relationship don’t always have a name for it, they just know over time a significant relationship formed that is mutually beneficial based on likenesses. The name mentor/protégé may come later upon reflection of the benefits of the relationship. Researchers conducted interviews with people asking them who played pivotal roles in their development in becoming who they are.

Formal mentor/mentee relationship have a third party involved who pairs people together. There are set goals and agreements are made that define what the relationship entails.
The articles I read where on mentoring at risk youth, how to assess the benefits and mentoring in a community setting. One thing that was brought up was how little research has been done on faith based communities and mentoring. However their conclusion was mentoring in community was the best situation and mentors that came from faith based communities tended to stick with their commitment to the mentoring arrangement compared to people recruited from other situations. They also concluded that formal mentoring relationships have a 50 % chance of failing in the 1st 3 months and that traditional mentoring where one individual approaches another was more likely to last and bare results which include increased self confidence in the mentee, a greater exposures to resources that benefited the individual, and improved relationships outside of the mentee/mentor relationship. The authors felt that encouraging communities to make mentoring part of their culture and allowing it to happen naturally is more desirable that formal programs. They suggested that educating the communities about the mentoring process and they were enthusiastic to see more communities adopt this practice.

It always helps me to write you first, if I can explain it to you than.........

The Chair

My grandmother owned a set of wicker chairs that we used to play with, my cousins and I. We filled the chairs with hydrangea from an enormous group of plants that grew year to year. The huge flowers from the plant transformed the chairs into thrones and we took turns being royalty. The bushed themselves were a place to hide between, but the bugs and spider that hid there too quickly made us abandon any idea of occupation. We then dared each other to run through the bushes as tests of courage and skill before we bored and went on to other explorations and challenges. Indian Lakes was an enchanted place I discovered as a child. So when Scott brought me a wicker chair last week for my patio I was more than pleased with his treasure, I was transformed.

Copier art

My College. Next time I will start again.

Tara and I did copier art on Sat. She loved it so we will be exploring this process for the next few months. The first set is a college that a lady did last time. She did not return, so Tara took it over. She worked on it along with her own college. Tara will be doing a realistic rendering from a photo she will be bringing to the next session. I will scan it when it is done and PhotoShop it into her backgrounds and then it will be copied again. Both in color and black and white. We are using oil pastels. We found they work well in the process. We will be doing watercolor pencil, prisma color and chalk too.

This is Tara's college and copies.